I'm Ready

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cc1990, Feb 6, 2012.

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  1. cc1990

    cc1990 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for this being so long but I think it's going to be my last thread. I tend to repeat stuff you've already heard but it's true.

    I finished writing my suicide note. All that's left is to make my final preparations. I don't see why I should prepare, I don't have an attachment to what little possessions I have, I don't want to say my goodbyes, if I do my family will just talk me out of it. Everyday it's the same stupid fucking thing over and over again, I don't want to go through another year of boredom, isolation, severe depression, anger and loneliness. To be honest, I don't think I can last the rest of this month. :( I'm just a loser, a drain on society who will never amount to anything. I'll never have independence and true happiness, I'll never be normal. If I don't kill myself, I'll just end up a severely depressed bigger loser in 20 years with a low paying job in a low income apartment thinking, "I should have offed myself in my 20s." I have no future, I'm dumb, college isn't an option for me. Life isn't going to get better, I'm tired of living in pain, anger and self hatred and I'm not good enough to be alive. I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! I just need to think about how I'm going to do it, I think of suicide every single day. :( I thought about getting drunk and slitting my throat but I figured my fucking mom would most likely find my body, so I thought of mixing alcohol with pills or maybe poisoning myself. I'm not sure of a good working pill combination with alcohol though, don't give me any tips though because I don't want any of you to get into trouble. I'm gay so I guess my suicide MIGHT get on CNN or Fox for at least 3 minutes, the media kinda milks that shit sometimes, I don't know. I'll figure it out, I just don't care anymore. The faster I do this and end my life the better off the world will be, one less piece of shit to not care about. I'm a prisoner in my own body, I'm stuck in this shitty life with no options or future. I'm done, It's for the best. I would give anything to be normal, another person that obsesses about useless electronics, has a car, independence, a job, friends, a life and goals. I don't fit in with society, other people my age and I don't belong here. :(

    "Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early." - Doug Stanhope.
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi Cory, sorry you seem rooted to this course of action now.. that also puts you in a lot of despair adn no hope to change any of thsi for yourself.. that would require a good chunk of work and self efforts.. it is possible and some good help from professionals helps many.. i did that route and everyday i am very glad that i made the efforts..

    your note was done well and succinctly on purpose.. only problem is it leads to dead adn no future.. just lifelessness.. i would much rather have you post on here 6 months down teh road that things are going some better now and just maybe there is some hope for me.. good luck adn best wishes for life.. tc, Jim
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    The fact you say your suicide might get on CNN or Fox, makes me think you're reaching out for help and attention ( in a good way). Is there anything you enjoy in life? It can't be all bad.
  4. cc1990

    cc1990 Well-Known Member

    Not really, well.... not anymore. :( The thing I said about the suicide being on CNN or Fox was just something I made up that might happen. We'll have to wait and see... I mean, you'll have to wait and see.
  5. I'm in my early 20's probably the same age as you. You're young and there is much ahead of you. Happiness requires continuing to live. Life can be hard and no one is free from depression and despair but there is also the ability to find immense happiness. Death has nothing to offer (unless of course you believe in unverified myths of grandeur and eternal bliss). It is just as likely that an afterlife in which you consciously continue existing in some other realm does not exist and that this is all we have. It should be properly respected and appreciated. A physically healthy person should not be seeking to end their (only) life on account of a few hardships and struggles but should seek to improve their circumstances and their outlook.

    The first step is self-respect. What are your strength, what can you offer to the world? If you truly think about it and let go of all your guilt and shame (for whatever reason you have it) for a second and look at your life objectively and at the value you can have to others if you choose to make a difference I think you will find that there is value in continuing to live and in working towards a goal, whatever that may be. Remember that you are the ultimate source of your own happiness, everything starts with you having the right mindset and depends on you choosing that life is more precious than death.
  6. slam

    slam Member

    if i could, I'd trade you in a heartbeat, younger and in iowa
  7. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I went throgh the same sort of emotions in my early twenties actually my negativity started about 15/16.Ive had a pretty rough life and i found getting the right help and finding the goodness with in yourself and self respect you will get through it all.Death is it darkness it will come when its ready.Are you seeking any help at the moment to try and get you through this dark time in your life.Trust me we all can get through the doom and gloom and to be honest it can take a while with alot of ups and downs.Hang in there and try and fight your way through this.first thing you need to do is find your own goodness within yourself so you can get your own self respect back.Take care and if need keep posting here that helps too.
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    How could you even consider doing this to your friends and family. You will destroy their lives forever - believe me, I can prove it.

    Consider instead some alternatives that will help you work toward improving and wellness.
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