Broke a glass last night and I'm letting it lie b/c I’m scared of what I’d do with the pieces if I pick them up. I'm going into work today, my flat is not OK if I’m sober. There are too many temptations to kill myself here. However, I’m also scared of what will happen if I go in and someone asks me to sign a contract or asks about leaving or something - I might start raving and crying (when I get really upset, especially if someone threatens me, every thought and feeling will spill out) and then the cat will be out of the bag. I wrote more on the crisis section, but anyway, I just made the wrong choice, like I always do. My resume and chances of landing a job were the strongest I’ve had in years - I just threw that chance away. If I couldn’t make the try to get back to my country now, how can I make it in 6 months when I’ll be in an infinitely worse position?I ruin everything I touch. My mother was right, all those years ago - my life was over, at 17. I've felt like a dead person for years, why not stop taking up other, better people's resources?