I'm really hurting right now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LoveEveryoneButMe, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. My boyfriend and I are long distance, and only get to see each other every 2-3 weeks. This time together should be precious and filled with love, but I've been feeling so down and out the last couple of months. When he met me, I was in a good place and always happy and filled with positivity. We became a couple the day before my birthday and I was overjoyed. The next day, on my actual birthday, my father didn't wish me happy birthday. I called him out and he (my dad) told me that I didn't deserve a happy birthday because I'm lazy and do nothing around the house. I tried to explain to him that I was working 55+ hours a week, so as soon as I came home, all I wanted to do was go to bed before working up early the next morning for work. My birthday is the day thing started to deteriorate.

    My boyfriend has watched me spiral deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and self-destruction. Last night, we got into a huge fight. When my boyfriend gets angry/frustrated, he SCREAMS. He knows how I feel about men screaming at me. Ever since my previous relationship, the abusive one, I cannot tolerate a man screaming in my face. I just shut down and cry. Me crying only provoked my boyfriend and made him scream longer and more angrily. He told me that I'm such a negative person and it's bringing him down. He asked me what happened to the happy woman he asked to be his girlfriend. He told me that he's 3/4 of the way over this relationship and that the only reason he hasn't ended it is because he doesn't want to hurt me.

    I don't know how to just GET positive, nor do I know how to climb my way out of this dark place. I want to, believe me.. I want to. I tried explaining to him that I don't like being sad. I *hate* being sad. He says, "You are 28 years old and need to get your emotions under control". Okay, yes I do, but it's not like I can just "get over it". He also told me that I need to stop having anxiety. Oh, as if I could just snap my fingers and be cured. What he is somehow unable to wrap his head around is that him SCREAMING at me only causes more anxiety.

    What do I do, guys? Today is my last full day with him and I want to be able to enjoy it and be loving and have fun together. I just want to be held and kissed and loved and told that I'm going to be okay. He says that I just need to "get over it" and "be a normal human being" and "grow up". I'm very far behind for my age, mentally. Life smarts, I have.. as far as being kind to people and respectful and intuitive and knowing how to treat each others. My mental maturity, I'll admit, is not where it should be. I'm not financially responsible and still live with my father. Keep in mind, I'm 28 years old. I do have a goal, though.. and that is to save up enough money by March so that I can move out. What my boyfriend doesn't understand is that sometimes, simply getting out of bed to shower or brush my teeth is an accomplish. I have crippling anxiety, paranoia and I have bipolar disorder and in my case, my depressive states have been significantly overbearing and much more frequent than my manic episodes. I love my manic side.. I'm upbeat, happy and energetic and social.

    How do I get him to be patient and kind? He's so wonderful when I'm happy, but he tells me I'm always looking for something to be upset about and that I go searching to find problems. I don't LIKE to be upset.. that's what he doesn't understand. How do I get him to understand where I'm coming from? I really love this man. Despite him being explosive sometimes, I trust him.. and that's important to me because I've ever actually trusted a significant other before. And you guys, when things are good, they're great. He CAN be so loving and warm and wonderful.. but when he's mean, he's fucking mean. And when he's mean, it's always because of something I've done wrong. And he's never laid his hand on me or anything, he just gets in my face and yells. I'm a tiny person, 5'1", and he's a rather big guy, so it's scary and intimidating.

    I don't know what to do. I want today to be a good day, but he's not really talking.. just playing video games. I told him I loved him, and he said it back, but I can't shake from the back of my mind some of the things he's said to me like, "you're difficult to love sometimes". I've shown him nothing but kindness and respect, even on his worst of days. Am I not deserving of the same treatment? All I want in this world, ALL I'VE EVER WANTED IN THIS WORLD, is love. Pure, raw, unconditional and unwavering love.

    Sorry for the long entry, and I'm sorry for anyone here that I've annoyed or bothered.
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you're going to like my advice but (for what it's worth), it comes from wisdom. I'm twice your age-I've had massive amounts of experience with situations like the one you're in now. Here's the thing-I don't care about what your father or boyfriend thinks about you because I believe that they're wrong. They don't really see you for who you really are-they've given up on you so they just see the negative, not everything good you have to offer. That is why my prayer is that you just focus on yourself-be kind to yourself, give to yourself the compassion and love that these other people cannot seem to give you. I think that you need to go your own way and be alone with yourself for awhile-leave these other people alone and focus on yourself. Unfortunately, when our self-esteem is very low, we surround ourselves with people who treat us badly, take advantage of us, verbally abuse us.

    You are diamond that is buried under mountains of dirt-the only person who can dig you out from under that dirt (unfortunately) is you. I'm sure that your boyfriend is a good and decent person, but he's not good for you now. I question the sincerity of a person who repeatedly does the one thing that he knows triggers your anxiety. It's almost like he's wanting you to flip out so that he can be rid of you. I would cut him loose if I were you-I think he's making you worse and you need to focus on yourself now. It's hard to believe that there will be other boyfriends-other people will care about you further down the path. It's difficult (when we feel bad about ourselves) to remember that until we have love and respect for ourselves, we can't feel loved and respected by others but it's still true. You deserve to take time for yourself and let the negative people in your life go. I knw that it's hard-but don't take their opinions of you to heart-only your opinion of yourself matters in the end. Good luck-LT
    Greying and LoveEveryoneButMe like this.
  3. I've just had my heart broken so many times. He and I discussed marriage and kids and he told me he'd never take me for granted. He told me he knew what he was getting into (I was very open and upfront with him from the beginning about my disorders). I'm hurting so much right now. I'm 3.5 hours from home and he told me he wants me to "get the fuck out and go home" and that he's done with me. I'm in no condition to drive home right now. I'm absolutely devastated. I love this person beyond words and I can't stop crying, which only pisses him off more. He went off for a drive just now, so I'm sitting in his room trying to compose myself, but I can't. I've been abandoned by so many people. All I want in this world, truly, is love. I don't want things, I don't care about things. I just want to be loved because no one has ever shown me real and unconditional love and I crave it so badly.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I'm so sorry about your relationship. Lots of people just don't understand what we go through, and that puts added pressure on us to be "up to" THEIR standards. When I first started dating, I was very honest to everyone about what I go through. One guy who was LD said he understood and he'd be there for me. I suspect it was part of his attempt to "land" me or something because he really couldn't get it at all and he ended up disappearing on me. People say lots of supportive things at the dating stage, not realizing that we take them seriously. Luckily though, he and I never met and in hindsight I realized that if he showed so much anger and impatience and immaturity at the beginning, that it would never have worked out anyway.

    I think that men who scream at women are assholes. I live with an asshole who is (lately) reformed and improving. But I went through a lot in the 3 1/2 years together because I do love him with all of my heart, knowing that he also can be a very good man to me when he can control his negativity. I don't know what to tell you except that you need to work on yourself first and worry about everyone else second. What works for me is that when I know my depression and anxiety are affecting me, I tell him right away and tell him I need some time alone to figure things out and feel better. I don't lean on him at all because then he feels the need to "fix" me and if I don't get "fixed" immediately it turns into a blow out argument, resulting in me feeling unloved, misunderstood and helplessly UNconfident. I've noticed that when I approach him that way and take any pressure off him to comfort me, that he offers to comfort me. Even when he does though, I still tell him very little. I take the hug and kisses very seriously, but I still take time alone to help myself.

    Also I notice that my bf can't handle my sad emotions, and it shows as anger, but deep down it's because he's uncomfortable because it makes him just as sad and brings out his own depression. Your bf's anger could be masking a fear. You can detach a little from him, you don't have to tell him every thought right? Tell US every thought or tell your therapist?

    I know that feeling of abandonment, but I also know that we can't change people ever. We can only change ourselves, and that leads to a lot of loneliness sometimes. If you work on you and your own reactions, maybe things will get better? Sending a big hug xxxx
  5. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Listen to me E., you are with friends. You are safe. If you need to write 10,000 words to make you feel better, then please start typing. You will never annoy us, you are one of us now. You are not a burden, you are part of a team. We care for you. We want you to be happy. We care about you.

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime.

    Take Care My New Friend
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Let me know you are ok. I know you have had a rough time of things. I really like you. I think you are a very sweet person. *hug
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I am terribly sorry for the way you are feeling. Honestly, I think he is just uneducated and ignorant on mental illness. ''grow up'' ''snap out of it'' were lines my ex boyfriend used to throw at me too while not understanding the anxiety, stress, paranoia I was in. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did in my life. No one deserves to be treated like he is treating you, NO ONE. Please remember this...you do not have to have a bruise to be abused, my honest opinion? I would leave him, you can do so much better or you could go down the route of taking him to appointments with you so he can get a glimpse of what you are going through, either way I hope you stay safe and please keep talking to us here.
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    What is your cat's name? I know you have three cats. I know they help you a lot , when you are having a bad day. Everyone has good days, AWESOME!!!!, everyone has bad days not so awesome. We are strong, we will help you, lean on us. Show us your pain, we will show you compassion and kindness. We will give you emotional support and lots of *hug. You are not alone anymore, E. You have us =) You will never be a burden to us, we have already accepted you onto our team. We accept you just the way you are, we are not giving you back. =) We like you, you are a good person.

    Unfortunately some really terrible things have happened to you. We can not change your past, what has been done we can not undo. But what we can help you with is the present, and your future. I know you are hurting. Show us your pain. We will help you. I personally feel like you are one hell of a person. I genuinely like you.

    Take Care My New Friend =)