My boyfriend and I are long distance, and only get to see each other every 2-3 weeks. This time together should be precious and filled with love, but I've been feeling so down and out the last couple of months. When he met me, I was in a good place and always happy and filled with positivity. We became a couple the day before my birthday and I was overjoyed. The next day, on my actual birthday, my father didn't wish me happy birthday. I called him out and he (my dad) told me that I didn't deserve a happy birthday because I'm lazy and do nothing around the house. I tried to explain to him that I was working 55+ hours a week, so as soon as I came home, all I wanted to do was go to bed before working up early the next morning for work. My birthday is the day thing started to deteriorate. My boyfriend has watched me spiral deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and self-destruction. Last night, we got into a huge fight. When my boyfriend gets angry/frustrated, he SCREAMS. He knows how I feel about men screaming at me. Ever since my previous relationship, the abusive one, I cannot tolerate a man screaming in my face. I just shut down and cry. Me crying only provoked my boyfriend and made him scream longer and more angrily. He told me that I'm such a negative person and it's bringing him down. He asked me what happened to the happy woman he asked to be his girlfriend. He told me that he's 3/4 of the way over this relationship and that the only reason he hasn't ended it is because he doesn't want to hurt me. I don't know how to just GET positive, nor do I know how to climb my way out of this dark place. I want to, believe me.. I want to. I tried explaining to him that I don't like being sad. I *hate* being sad. He says, "You are 28 years old and need to get your emotions under control". Okay, yes I do, but it's not like I can just "get over it". He also told me that I need to stop having anxiety. Oh, as if I could just snap my fingers and be cured. What he is somehow unable to wrap his head around is that him SCREAMING at me only causes more anxiety. What do I do, guys? Today is my last full day with him and I want to be able to enjoy it and be loving and have fun together. I just want to be held and kissed and loved and told that I'm going to be okay. He says that I just need to "get over it" and "be a normal human being" and "grow up". I'm very far behind for my age, mentally. Life smarts, I have.. as far as being kind to people and respectful and intuitive and knowing how to treat each others. My mental maturity, I'll admit, is not where it should be. I'm not financially responsible and still live with my father. Keep in mind, I'm 28 years old. I do have a goal, though.. and that is to save up enough money by March so that I can move out. What my boyfriend doesn't understand is that sometimes, simply getting out of bed to shower or brush my teeth is an accomplish. I have crippling anxiety, paranoia and I have bipolar disorder and in my case, my depressive states have been significantly overbearing and much more frequent than my manic episodes. I love my manic side.. I'm upbeat, happy and energetic and social. How do I get him to be patient and kind? He's so wonderful when I'm happy, but he tells me I'm always looking for something to be upset about and that I go searching to find problems. I don't LIKE to be upset.. that's what he doesn't understand. How do I get him to understand where I'm coming from? I really love this man. Despite him being explosive sometimes, I trust him.. and that's important to me because I've ever actually trusted a significant other before. And you guys, when things are good, they're great. He CAN be so loving and warm and wonderful.. but when he's mean, he's fucking mean. And when he's mean, it's always because of something I've done wrong. And he's never laid his hand on me or anything, he just gets in my face and yells. I'm a tiny person, 5'1", and he's a rather big guy, so it's scary and intimidating. I don't know what to do. I want today to be a good day, but he's not really talking.. just playing video games. I told him I loved him, and he said it back, but I can't shake from the back of my mind some of the things he's said to me like, "you're difficult to love sometimes". I've shown him nothing but kindness and respect, even on his worst of days. Am I not deserving of the same treatment? All I want in this world, ALL I'VE EVER WANTED IN THIS WORLD, is love. Pure, raw, unconditional and unwavering love. Sorry for the long entry, and I'm sorry for anyone here that I've annoyed or bothered.