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I'm really in a deep hole

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NIN, May 3, 2009.

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  1. NIN

    NIN Member

    I thought things were getting better, but they're not. I'm sitting alone here in my room at 1 AM. I don't think I'll let myself go to sleep. I'm trying to play the piano but I don't have any focus right now. These feelings are clouding me.

    What's my problem? A number of things, as anyone, but if the biggest thing is I'm tired of being lonely. I've been lonely my whole life. I thought that would finally end when I went to college, but 2 years have past and I don't feel any better. When I say loneliness, I mean I'd like friends I can trust, but also affection from girls. It seems like every person I've ever opened up and started to trust stabbed me hard in the back. I want so bad to reach out to someone, but no one gives a shit.

    On the outside, you would not expect me to feel this way. I get good grades in a hard major, I'm an athlete for my school and am thus very built and fit, I'm good at speaking, I'm a musician that plays shows around campus now and then, I'm friendly. But on the inside, the really deep inside, I'm really down. It feels like I'm in an all out sprint just to keep up with life - I'm not worrying about the next day, just today. I just try to get through every day without snapping. I don't want this. It feels horrible.

    What do I want now? I guess I want to be able to get close to someone. Other things bother me, but I think those things wouldn't matter if I had some friends and maybe a girlfriend who were close to me, but I don't.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Maybe opening up on here would help? There are a lot of people here, and I'm sure you could make some friends.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I can relate to your issues as I had the same at that age. Joining a college fraternity changed my life for the better. Maybe you could look into that or some clubs which share your mutual interests. You have a lot going for you already and I think you would be welcomed by members of a club or fraternity. Feel free to send me a private message if you want as your post may drop down before anybody else has a chance to respond. Things move quickly here.

    I found that making a few close contacts here has saved me, since most of my old fraternity friends have drifted away over the last 20 years or so. So, you could also try chat here and make some new friends and then you'll be able to send pm's back and forth. I've found that quite helpful. Welcome to SF.
  4. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Blegh, that almost made me cry >.< I can relate to it, except the good at speaking athletic musician with good grades part. It might sound silly to you, because youre new here. But this is a good place to find friends, people you can actually trust. Its a good start, step, to get out of that deep hole. Sorry thats all i can say, if i found out how to fix it all, i will let you know
    Welcome to SF :smile:
  5. NIN

    NIN Member

    I'm not joining a frat, nor do I think it would help. I don't like the idea of frats, especially the ones here. Some are the elegant type of frat while most are the typical meathead frats. Both types, however, are very cliquey and exclusive. I don't want to get involved in the whole greek community.

    I'm a member of the crew team, and in a way we're like a frat, except instead of just being an exclusive club that makes its members do retarded things, we do something productive. Out on the river every day at 6:30 am, and on most days doing some kind of workout in the afternoon.

    Being part of crew at my school automatically makes me an underdog, in a way. A few years ago, our very very old program was cut by the misguided administration. Our funds aren't a problem, as we have many supportive and wealthy alumni, but most of the people at the school don't like us or respect us because we're outspoken against this school's administration and its over-sized football program.

    I'm not here to talk about this issue, but I think it's significant to bring it up. I definitely feel under-appreciated. All of the men on my team don't do crew for any reason except their love for the sport. We don't get scholarships, recognition from the school, or any of the perks varsity athletes get. Working out conflicts between academics and athletics is always a pain in the ass. This alone isn't my main problem. As I said, I overlook all these things and do it anyway because I love the sport, but all the little sources of stress add up in the end. Sometimes I feel like I put in all this work and it won't get me anything.

    I'll let out a bit more about myself and my past. This will probably be long, but hell, that's what these forums are for I suppose - just letting it out.

    I was fat and very shy growing up. Because of this I got bullied all the way until 10th grade, when I finally had enough and got in shape. A lot of damage was done, though. My freshmen year of high school was a nightmare. I had 4 different periods with aggressive bullies. The worst was a mechanical drafting class. There were 4 guys in that class alone that would constantly pick on me, and everyone else in the class would either ignore it or laugh with them. It got worse as the year went on. At first they picked on my clothes and my family's financial status. Then they started to get into my weight. Eventually, they focused on my man-boobs. It started with loud and embarrassing comments and soon escalated to more physical bullying, like grabbing at them or putting feminine things like tampons in my backpack.

    Then one day, a horrible thing happened. It was the end of class and I went into the bathroom. The 4 guys followed me in. 3 of them held me down, started kicking me, grabbing my chest, dunking me in the toilet. They the ripped my shirt off, strapped a bra on, and took pictures with their cellphones. I went into a frenzy. I was using all my strength to do whatever damage I could to all of them, but I wasn't very strong or coordinated and couldn't overpower 3 of them. Eventually they left. I spent the rest of the day in the stall that everything happened in.

    I was far too embarrassed to tell anyone what happened. I was embarrassed before to tell people about the man-boob comments, but this was a whole different level. I remember trying to fake being sick a lot. My mom eventually caught on and didn't buy it anymore. I didn't talk to anyone the rest of that year. I would go to school, remain silent, then come home and go straight to my computer and play games into the night. I became a recluse. It was at this time that my mental illness started to kick in. From this point on I started to show symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. I'll describe this more later.

    Sophomore year I was faced with another group of especially vicious bullies at lunch, though fortunately they did not pick on my man-boobs, which became an extremely sensitive area to ANY kind of stimulation. Starting in march of that year, I got some kind of motivation and started to workout and also learn music. By the beginning of my junior year I was fit. No one messed with me after that. My junior year of high school was better, but I was still the fat bra kid to most of the school. That image would stick with me for a while. I was very lonely my junior year, especially because it was at this time I got my first crush.

    By the end of my junior year, I made some friends and joined a band. That summer was a great time for me. I was in amazing shape and was having fun almost every night with my friends. I joined cross country at this time and loved that too. Then I was faced with a depression after I finally got the balls to ask my crush out and was rejected pretty harshly. My senior year got worse as it went on. I had a bad injury and had to undergo surgery, which stopped my exercise for a good month. I gained a lot of weight during this time. The guys I thought were my friends - my bandmates - slowly started to drift away from me and eventually kicked me out of the band without even telling me. A teacher I had in my sophomore year who would give me advice and was a friend to me kind of abandoned me also. I created a guy in my own mind to push me through everything in the fall of my senior year. He was a tough motivator. I'd see him when I was in races running along side of me and motivating me. At first I knew he was made up, but as I started to get more depressed my perception of reality became very bad. Eventually I didn't know what to think, and was treating this guy like a normal person. Hallucinations are weird. It's like, I didn't actually see or hear him...like my eyes or ears wouldn't register his presence, but it's like my mind stepped in and told my eyes and ears that he was there.

    By february and march I was missing at least one out of every 2-3 days of school. I played world of warcraft non-stop. I had one hope - that I would get into a good school. MIT was my top choice. I was obsessed with physics and nuclear engineering, and MIT was the only school in the east with an undergrad nuclear engineering program. I was a unique student. My grades were far from immaculate like other students, but I did some special things with my time. A physics teacher at my high school was very impressed with my knowledge of physics and math and took me under his wing and taught me a lot. I did some projects with him and went to labs with him as well.

    Unfortunately I didn't get into MIT, nor did I get into any other school except my state's public university. I could understand MIT as it's very very competitive, but other schools I was very qualified for. I had a perfect math SAT and did a lot with math and physics, as I said. People who were much less qualified than I was got into technical universities that I got denied from. This is why I'm convinced my mental illness had something to do with my rejections. One of my essays was about overcoming paranoid schizophrenia while trying to live a normal life as best as I could. I thought it would benefit me, but in the end I think that essay hurt me.

    So my depression worsened. I skipped a lot of school after that. While everyone else in my class was partying and celebrating, I was alone and isolated. I didn't go to any events, including graduation. I burned every single bridge with my high school.

    The next fall I went to college. It's been pretty constant for the last two years. I've been rowing and playing music since the start, but I've also been very isolated since the start. I tried some changes, like changing where I lived between my years, but I haven't seen much progress. Many people here are very superficial. I've attracted many girls' attention because of my looks, but they are typical girls who think I'm a typical frat guy. That isn't me. Once they realize that I'm a bit different, they shun me. I've met a lot of bitchy girls in my time here, some that have gone out of their way to bring me down.

    I developed the first steps of a relationship with two girls - one in the beginning of this year in the fall and one at the beginning of this semester in the winter. I began to trust both of them and liked both of them a lot. With both of them, though, they dumped me not long after they asked to be exclusive (and I accepted). Both of them dumped me for douchebag frat boys. The second one actually did it right in front of my face - we were at a crew party and while I was off in another part of the party she was making out with another guy.

    These girls don't bother me that much as individuals. They showed their true colors and made me not desire them any more. It's just that their actions, along with dozens of other girls, have been cutting away at my faith in girls as a whole.

    While things are clearly better than they were in high school, I still am very sad. While I don't have aggressors going out to harm me every day, I still don't have anyone in my life besides my parents that cares an ounce for me. I love my parents, but you all understand that they solely can't provide the love and companionship I desire.

    I can go on about other negative things, but as I said before, I feel like that all can be overlooked if I had some friends who I can trust and maybe a girl I could trust too.
  6. Victori@

    Victori@ Well-Known Member


    Im here if you ever want to talk...

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