I'm really sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~Heather~, Nov 1, 2010.

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  1. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    I come on here every day and look through threads and go into chat but I never say anything except for a few people. There really are things I want to say but I can't get any thoughts straight to say anything coherent or relevant.

    I feel stuck, suffocated, and trapped. I can't stand it anymore! He makes me do things to make him happy and I wind up in a situation where to everyone else I don't exist, get depressed and leave the room. I'll literally be in mid sentence with my bf or anyone else and someone will cut me off and that person take priority for some reason and I'm forgotten. Several occasions they completely forget I was saying anything to them including my boyfriend!

    I know so far this sounds like a rant but really all of this frustrates me so much I just want to take all of this pain and confusion and let it dissipate with my death. I know that they say you can't feel relief if you're dead, but just knowing I don't have to deal with this crap anymore will give me relief as I die.

    I feel like I no longer have any freedom. He hovers over what I type here, what I look at or read and gets offended when I tell him to back off. I don't do it to him. When I get pissed off to the point I want to hurt him or myself or something he refuses to leave building it up. Why wont he understand that I need him there as much as I need space?

    I know this must be my fault since I begged for his help. But still it doesn't excuse the times he just flat out humiliates me in front of people. I try to let things slide but I'm sensitive to what people think of me because I hate myself. If others don't like me then why the fuck am I here.

    I'm trying not to do it right now. After 30min of arguing I got him out of the room which I can lock. I can/will do it now if I don't cool down soon. If nothing gets better by the 12th then it's over. I give up.

    I'm truly sorry to anyone I haven't been there for this weekend or any time prior, but I've been busy and frantic. It's not that I don't care, but that I can't think straight when I come on here or my boyfriend wants his laptop back or my 'friends' are near by peering over my shoulder.

    So I'm sorry :hug: for those who need it.
    And sorry for the wall of text...:dry:
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's really disrespectful if people are interrupting or ignoring you. I think you can speak up about it if you have the presence of mind to do so, like "Hey! I was just talking!" or "hey, did you just hear what I said?!".

    Dumping your boyfriend seems like a better option than killing yourself. Sounds like on some level he is abusive.
  3. wasoncewas

    wasoncewas Active Member

    W/E bish' why the 17th hm? I'd really like to know, wouldn't anyone else.
  4. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    may71 - usually the response I get when I say that is "yeah, I heard you!" in an angry tone. This is from really anyone I know now so I don't want this to seem just like my boyfriend. I understand your suggestion, I don't take back any of it but this is only one perspective of him so i hope you don't base an opinion of him off this. Every one has a bad side (in retrospect I do similar things but like I said I want here to be relatively off limits)

    wasoncewas - to be honest, I'm not sure whether you're trying to come off as casual or disrespectful. It's the 12th for no real reason, just the date I set for myself some time ago. You know so I wasn't doing it impulsively.
  5. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having such a tough time with him and friends. I know life can be really hard to live with, but please don't give up.

    I'm a lot like this too. Here's something I always try to remind myself of...

    "Don't feel guilty for not being able to help others as much as you'd like to. If you can't do it, for whatever reason, then you can't do it. Just try the best you can."

    Sometimes it's hard not to feel really guilty, but sometimes you need to get better before you can help others get better.
  6. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Well I mean I wasn't asking for an apology, it was more I didn't understand what you were trying to say.
  7. XsweetpoetX

    XsweetpoetX Well-Known Member

    You know youre important to me.
    And if your boyfriend doesnt treat you right then find another,oh well. You deserve the best. Youre an amazing person. You know im always here for you.

  8. thebaronspell

    thebaronspell Well-Known Member

    I don't think we've been online at the same time before but your thread resembles something I'd post. Inbox me if you want to chat because I also feel out of the circle. x
  9. dontwannabeme

    dontwannabeme Well-Known Member

    no need for foul language.

    and heather your always there for people ;)
    In there minds and hearts so dont worry you cant always be online ;)
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    he may have some good qualities, but you could probably find someone who would treat you better.

    would you be ok with dumping him? have you thought about seeing someone else, or would you be ok with not being with anyone for a while?
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