I'm really thinking about doing this..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ofvanityandwax, Jul 14, 2010.

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  1. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    Throughout this I'm going to sound like an idiot the entire time. Alright? Alright.

    I date on the internet because no one in real life will touch me because I'm disgusting.
    I cheated on Aaron (my boyfriend) twice.. well, a bunch with a guy on a site that i go on that I met last year after i fell head over heels in love. People say "yeah you can't fall in love on the internet" but I say different because you fall in love with someone's personality. They finally told me that they've been lying to me.
    Another one of those girls being guys.
    At least this one is sorry.
    Really, really sorry.
    And I'm hurt.
    Crushed. I cried from midnight until around nine in the morning. I haven't eaten in two days.
    Don't get me wrong, this isn't only over this. I've been a depressed wreck over the past four weeks, but this has pushed me over the edge. I feel like a goddamned zombie. I haven't eaten in two days.
    And then I find out that my boyfriend tried to commit suicide last night. Everything is just crashing in on me really, really hard.
    If I don't KILL myself, I at least want to just put myself in the hospital or at least self harm REALLY bad.
    :|
    And I'm scared to call a suicide hot line.
    I don't know what to do.
     
  2. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for what you're going through. Relationships can be hard and damaging. People can be pretty cruel too. Why are you afraid to call a hotline? Whatever it takes to keep you alive and safe, please do it.
     
  3. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    I'm really, really awkward on the phone and whenever I'm emotional, I cry if I talk and I hate when people hear me cry, and I'm shy. I'm even scared to call my friend's houses.
     
  4. Teryan

    Teryan Active Member

    Why are you scared? help is just a phone call away, or even close.. help is right here. Please don't do anything. Suicide or Self harm is never the answer dear. Yes i know how it feels to be in love then suddenly out of nowhere they just hurt you. and as for the depression, talk to someone, you joined this forum to seek someone to talk to, did you not? i know i did, and i also want to help people. so please caitlin, hold on. youre not alone in this.

    PM me if you need to talk okay?
     
  5. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    that's why i came on here.
    because i can't get the courage to pick up the phone. thank you. :/
     
  6. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm extremely sorry for the way you are feeling. I don't know what'd be like going through that but it'd be emotionally crippling and possibly life threatening for me :(. I'm sure most of the hotlines are free. I don't really know but give it a try? It'd be interesting talking to someone on there. I can't imagine doing it myself. What the hell would I talk about? :dunno:

    Those people are trained/used to people getting emotional over the phone :). We are ALWAYS here :)

    keep safe and I hope you feel better soon :(
     
  7. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    It sounds weird to be even more scared to talk to people over the phone than face to face, but I am. :/
     
  8. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I understand, but consider these points. They have some training to deal with people and be compassionate. Seeing how it's a suicide hotline, they surely talk to people that are crying quite a bit. So, please use it should you choose to. Or, there's some caring people here like Teryan said. Of course, we can't hear you.
     
  9. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm scared either way, LOL. I don't talk to alot of people other then kids that go to school. But the person on the other end of the hotline I have never met...it'd be strange actually reaching out to someone in real life about my problems. Just talking to someone about them would be completely surreal :unsure:.
     
  10. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    That's my problem. :/
    Words on a screen are easiest for me to deal with.
     
  11. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I'm a slow typer. That last post was directed at Ofvanityandwax
     
  12. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I understand the scared part more now. It's definitely weird talking to strangers about your problems especially matters like this. It's just as hard for me to be on here. Sometimes I have to force myself to post.
     
  13. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    ..
    I think I'm done.
    Seriously.
    I think I'm done.
     
  14. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I'm not trying to discount how you're feeling at all. I say that to myself almost everyday but still wake up the next day, still here. I know you can't see it right now but you can get through this. You encountered the wrong people. There are better people out there.
     
  15. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    I don't know about that anymore.
     
  16. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    You can. For now you can have this forum as a safety zone. You can know that people will care, accept you, and try to help you except for trolls. I haven't seen any trolls here yet though.
     
  17. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    i'm just so sick of this.
    :|
     
  18. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    So am I, my life that is. I haven't been "fixed" yet. I'm here for basically the same reason you are.
     
  19. ofvanityandwax

    ofvanityandwax Active Member

    i want to know..

    does it make sense to freak out about the boy that you were thinking of breaking up with when you think you're going to lose him
    after you've gotten your heart broken because
    you know you still love him?
    and because he's all you have left to love and love you back? :/
     
  20. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    Yes it does. Love is a funny thing and it can make you do funny things. Besides, we who suffer have a tendency to push people away for various reasons. I'm a little confused with what you're saying but it sounds like an attempt at self preservation.
     
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