I don't really post here much .. I don't know why .. i have a million thoughts rushing through my head constantly .. they don't stop .. mostly the same tapes, telling you how worthless you really are. I find myself now really tired .. emotionally bankrupt and exhausted. I feel disconnected, empty .. lost, empty .. just empty .. I cry most of the time .. most days are a chore, most nights are a nightmare. I figure this is the last christmas I will spend alone .. becuase I just don't want to do this anymore. i've had 3 serious relationships in my life .. all failed. I can't really figure out what I did wrong. I wasn't the nagging type or one to cling to someone. I was loyal, devoted, faithful, honest. I have never cheated on anyone, but they certainly cheated on me. And thet last one I saw .. well , he tried to move the relationships to the next level and then poof .. with no warning, he was gone to .. to some other woman .. just like the rest. I"m 44 .. alone, .. I"m not an unattractive woman although I've gained a few pounds in the last year, nothing tragic. I can't really figure out why i"m not worth it. All of them, and I mean all of them had affairs .. they treated these other women like queens and I got the scraps a dog wouldn't eat. And I accepted them like gold, thinking that is all they could do. NOne of them were rich but they weren't dirt poor either. I didn't lavish them with gifts every day.. I was the consumate good girl. The one next door who cooks, cleans and makes sure you have a nice evening. I don't asks questions and I was generally unassuming. But bit by bit things eroded .. changed, for what seems like no reason. I'm tired now .. wasted .. emtpy and alone. I sit and watch f/ing disney movies only to find they make me cry .. happy endings. I gave up on fairy tales along ago .. the prince charming type I know doesn't really exist but my fairy tale was just to be loved. You could be a ditch digger, just love me. I feel abandoned and thrown away. I dont' trust anyone anymore .. they leave for no reason. And becuase of all this i had the stupidest of addctions.. Spent thousands of dollars on it in the last half decade searching for hope. Believing only to be let down again and again by this addiction. Something so stupid, I cannot even admit it or mention it. Suffice it to say, it was not drugs or alcohol, but lately alcohol has become my friend, sad part is I can't afford to be a real alcoholic. or binge for that matter. I sit with bottles and bottles of old prescriptions that I don't know what they do and over the counter crap .. trying to ge the guts to just DO IT!! My fear .. is that if I try I'll still be alive. My fear is that if i do it right .. I'll be alive in some alternate space in time .. doomed to suffer even more!!!!!!! To repeat this shit over and over again for bringing some bad karma on me. I don't really care if I hurt the ones I love my family because they just don't understand or get it. They think you can flip a switch and it will be all over .. just be happy. Easy for you to say .. you have family .. and someone. I have none of that. I can't have kids. I can't even adopt, tried that too .. i'm not married or financially well placed and I"m over 40. so each year tics by, night after night , day after freaking day .. gettting older and more isolated. Not much left really .. I can't evern share any good that happens to me with anyone. They never have time. what's the point. SO.. at christmas I figure I'll just DO IT and see what happens. I read about failed attemps of others, but I really want to do this right and be done. I"ve been cryin behind closed doors for nearly a decade. Every day .. and I mean every day. i walk the streets at night sometimes, cold, hot raining ... no matter the weather .. looking into the windows as I walk the sidewalks .. looking at .. couples, families. wondering what I have done so wrong that I don't deserve that. i call my mom, thinking she will listen .. she just talks about her divorce that happened over 20 yrs ago like it was just last week and tells me .. Well, dear, some people are just not meant to have anyone .. you're one of them'. Thanks BITCH. I don't talk to her much anymore. THings change, I stay the same. as much as I want to change . .. I stay the same. So what's the point. Even if they did miss you .. would they really care in 3 months. NOPE. I don't care what you say . they wouldn't. they don't care now.