I'm really torn right now...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Feenrai, May 22, 2010.

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  1. Feenrai

    Feenrai Member

    I haven't cut since before my last suicide attempt, on December 8th 2009...and I am SO proud of myself for that fact, because it's been such a hard addiction to resist. But, lately, it's become even harder.

    I live in Arizona now, and even though it's only May, the temperature daily reaches above 100 degrees...even just a pair of arm warmers are unbearably hot, but I can't stand for anyone to see my scars. At work people are starting to ask questions, about why I always wear a long-sleeved white thermal under my work-uniform shirt. I keep telling them that I'm "always cold" becuase I'm so small, but they're going to start noticing when I start sweating more that I'm obviously lying.

    But the worst part,is that as part of my job I have to use a boxcutter all day long...I'd give anything to have another job right now, but in this economy I'm just glad I found a job. But using a boxcutter...it's...it's really getting to me...

    Last week, I slipped and accidentally cut myself. It wasn't anything too serious, but....well, it brought the addiction right back to the surface with the pain and the appearance of blood. I freaked out and spent my lunch break in my car in the parkinglot rocking and sobbing hysterically trying to resist the urge to start cutting.

    And then, to add insult to injury, yesterday I had to put my beloved cat whom I've had for 16 years down. I know this may sound weird or pathetic, but she was my best friend...from the time when I was six years old and the traumas that led me to where I am now in fighting depression and ptsd and SI occurred...she has been my constant support. For years my severe social anxiety made making friends impossible. Even though I have some friends now, she was always my favorite most uncomplicated source of comfort...now, not onl is she not here to comfort me, but her loss is itself a great cause for needing comfort...and my mind jut keeps telling me where I can find another source of "comfort" but I know, know KNOW I shouldn't do it.

    I'm SO sorry this got so long...I just don't know where else to go to get it off my chest...I'm so afraid that if I start SI again it's going to be a snowball effect until I end back up in a mental hospital again...
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