i'm researching methods but can't go through with it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arun, Jan 7, 2014.

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  1. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    i have just spent the last 4 hours researching methods on how to kill myself, trying to find some new information. I really really just want to be gone. I feel hopeless, but the thing is i feel so numb and disconnected as well. So numb that i doubt i'd go through with it. It's a contradiction. I'm a contradiction. If i could disappear somewhere alone and be happy, i'd be fine with that. But i have difficulty believing that i'd find any peace from my mind.

    My dream at the moment is to be able to go without impacting anyone. Like my life never existed, so my death would be of no importance either.

    I feel like therapy last year was just me wasting T's time. I feel like this is just a waste of time. I'm sorry your eyes have to read this.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Reading your post wasn't a waste of time. What's brought you to this point? Here and listening if you feel like talking.
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Arun,

    I understand your wish to leave without impacting anyone... it's one I have quite often. Unfortunately, I don't think that wish will ever come true for either of us. I hear you saying that your T would be wasting his/her time to listen to you and that you feel we are wasting our time by reading your posts....so I have a question: What has caused you to feel so unimportant?
  4. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    what brought me to this point? I have written and re-written my answer to that but i just don't know.

    i've not been sleeping for a while, instead i've been consumed with so many negative thoughts. In the past i have had depression and if you'd asked me a few weeks ago i would've denied being depressed. I am pretty avoidant when it comes to emotions, but the last few days with no sleep have forced me to see just what a horrible person i am. my dad died last year. i can't imagine putting my family through that grief again - more proof that i am a horrible person for even considering my own death.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Arun, :arms: I'm sorry to hear you feel so low. You are not a waste and reading your post was not a waste of my time! That sense of "contradiction" suggests to me that you'd like to live, but not hurt so much. Depression is nasty because it makes it so hard for us to believe that things could get better. Depression can swamp us and weigh us down until we think that everyone must feel weighed down by us. The truth is that people DO care about us and it's our perspective that is skewed by depression.

    What's been happening in your life that has you feeling this way? Sometimes just talking about things lifts a huge weight off our shoulders.

    I'm glad you're here and I'm hoping to see more of you around the forums. In the meantime, stay safe.
  6. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your hardships Arun. Don't let yourself believe you're wasting anyone's time by being here or saying how you feel. Being depressed does that to you, and it's a hard voice to shut out. But you'll be listened to with arms wide open by people here.
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Not wasting anyone's time, including the T's. Therapists are there for you as its their job, time is not wasted ever. We all are not a waste of space and time.

    I've spent countless times in the office saying nothing all of my life ever since I was a kid. it wasn't a waste of time but a time out from overwhelming stuff outside for me. I cannot express myself in person most of the times I just build a wall around me but not once have thought I was wasting my time or theirs. People just don't need to talk their heads off and feel so good afterwards every single time. If you are lying to the therapist maybe it is time for yourself to ask why lie, and try to take steps to being honest as its your life not theirs. They got a job and that is to help you help yourself.

    Please do not think you are a waste of anyone's time. People are here to help one another on their own accord. No one is forcing people to be on here, in matter of fact some peoples posts including yours have made me feel more human again that I am not alone in my thinking processes. I was numb and unable to feel anything for a while even spent over 100s hours researching methods. Thank you all, including you Arun.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2014
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