I'm rubbish at titles

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by maleficum, Aug 4, 2007.

  1. maleficum

    maleficum Member

    I have decided to write 'my story' here cos I'm feeling fairly absolutely awful and I think it might help, maybe.

    ¬¬ I don't know where to begin. In order to keep this as honest and natural as possible, I am going to limit what I edit of this (i.e. keeping all the waffley bullshit in), though. I. . . okay. I have not been diagnosed as depressed, but considering the fact that there is loads that I have not told the necessary people, I think this carries little weight. I have a counsellor/therapist who I'm just starting to do CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) with. But tbh, I am rubbish at saying things. Secrets and lies. . . I cling to them desperately. I find myself disgustingly human that it's untrue. I hate myself a LOT. I am reeeally bad at conversation, I am constantly too lethargic to do most things, I find myself horribly cringeworthy and weak. Though, I have people who love me, plenty of them, I have a boyfriend who I am madly in love with, two best friends from school who I think are amazing, a handful of very good friends online and a loving family. I find it hard to appreciate family though. I think about family a lot, and how messed up families are a lot. It makes me feel horrible, because the love is so. . . messy. I feel like an ungrateful brat. The thing is, the large majority of families are fucked and generally everyone has one, even if not biological there's people they have grown up with at least, and so everyone has little fucked up bits of life due to family, but then here's where my thought process goes fuzzy because then I think, well it's not so much families, but people in general and everything in general and I just end up thinking, oh well, all's fucked and that's that. Ugh. This is so badly written. ¬¬ I hate how horribly inefficient I am at expressing things and how incomparable things are/seem.
    I self-harm, started when I was 12 (2 and a half years ago), various methods. I have a really addictive personality. I drink heavily. It's going to kick me up the backside and kill me someday when I don't want to die.
    Though I don't entirely want to die now. Like most people, I'm terrified. I have the inclination but not the strength to carry anything out. I have attempted suicide twice, but it was verily verily lamely done and I whole-heartedly cringe at my patheticness.
    Constant lethargy and an unwillingness to do as people tell me to do have put me in a lot of trouble at school and now that's a horrible, horrible mess and I am SUPPOSED to be working now, but look at me, not doing work, as ever. I have to/am supposed to work throughout the summer to catch up on all the work I have not been doing, and will get in even more trouble if I don't do it. My lack of communication skills and fondness for lying and running away from problems means I am on my a billionth chance with all my teachers, though they know I have problems with myself and I feel bad for letting them down though I cannot make myself work, because at the end of the day, I don't want to. I bluffed my way through Year 8 and 9, doing as little work as possible but in Year 10 I was worse in myself and teachers notice the lack of work because it is for GCSEs and will shape my future entirely. I have been recommended so many study methods, but as far as I'm concerned, I'll only do it when I want to, and I don't know what'll make me want to. It doesn't make sense but it does. I want to get it over with, not let people down, get good grades etc. but just don't want to do it. I feel like it's my private war against The System and authorities, but that's all just ridiculous and some stupid fantastical idea in my head to try and justify when I just cannot be assed to do anything. I hate lethargy so fiercely; I am always late because I am so slow at doing everything; it pisses people off so much; I have had so many detentions at school for being late; nothing seems to jog me into action.
    And anyway, I'm in a load of trouble with my parents (mainly my dad) cos a load of my lies have been exposed. I cried like I have not been able to sob so thoroughly painfully in so long earlier today. In short I'd been going different places than what I'd told them and it's horribly messy and awkward and my dad is really angry and and now I'm crying again. My dad is home and god bless him trying to help me work but I can't. I just can't. It's like how much I want to die, I want to work, but I can't, I'm petrified and I don't know why, it's like I'm just scared of things going right, I'm so in love with my boyfriend but I still let myself get hung up about the past, things that weren't even his fault but I think about it and it hurts me still and I make up excuses and my dad is all 'just get yourself out of this mopey sulky mood, perk yourself up and attack your problems, you've got to do something to get anything done' and he's so right that it hurts but I can't make effort if my heart's not in it but why is my heart not in it? I want to be. I want to be so much, so so much. I want my heart to be into making everything right and clean and honest and better, but it isn't. I think I'm horribly twisted but then again I could just be mentally ill and it not be my fault but then again I haven't been diagnosed so I could just be making excuses for my crappy behaviour and allowing myself to feel worse and worse but then again I can never open up and tell the truth to anyone who has a chance of fixing me so how will I ever know?
    I have to go now, but I am not finished.

    I'll really appreciate any replies.