I'm running out of reasons not to

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by brokenheart, May 27, 2009.

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  1. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    I don't know how it happened. One day I was sitting on top of the world with money, house cars and family then it all got taken away.

    My wife and step daughter took my 6 year old to the mall. they didn't buckle her in. they asked me to go but I said I was busy. My little girl went throught the windshield at over 60 km/hr.

    Of course I blamed them and said things I probably should not have said and so the marriage ended with her taking her kid and leaving the country after she emptied the bank accounts. I couldn't hold my job and lost it. I lost everything but I don't care about the stuff, I just want my little girl back. Every day I cry until it hurts. If I had gone with them, she would still be here.

    The guilt is killing me slowly and I just want it to end. I made a bag and I bought helium. Part of me wants to end it and go be with her and the other part of me wants to heal.

    As the days pass, the part that wants it to be over and the pain to stop is winning and I just can't take it any more. I have never been so lonely. No friends. No family. I haven't had a conversation with anyone in months. I just sit here and look at her pictures and think of all the things I'll never get to do.

    God I miss her so much. I just want the pain to end and it won't. We are not supposed to bury our children!!!

    I don't know what to do. I have paid counselors and they don't help. My "friends" have abandoned me - I guess I'm not real fun to be around.

    I just miss her so much. I think I am already dead but my heart won't stop beating.
  2. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    This is terrible. I 'm so sorry. Most of us have had tragedy in our lives but a child is something else. Dunno what to say. I relate to the "I think I am already dead but my heart won't stop beating" thing.
    I also am running out of reasons. But there still are one or two that stop me for the moment and that's ok for today. I dunno how my life ended up so bad also btw.
    I suppose you've been counselled about guilt and all that. How could you be responsible? Did you want the accident to happen? Of course not. But I'm sure it's hard to believe and feel it. Have you one reason to hold on?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you go through on a daily basis.

    This is probably little consolation, but it wasn't your fault. Your wife was the adult who was with her, and she should have made sure your daughter was buckled up. To be honest, if I was in your position, I would blame her too. You probably had a right to say the things you said.
  4. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    I made it through yesterday and only woke up twice from the nightmares last night. I hope today is a better day. Thank you for the kind words. it helps.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just take it day by day ... hour by hour if you have to. Whatever gets you through. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need help.
  6. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    Bad day today. I spent a few hours on the hotlines trying not to do it. I think I'll make through the night. I hope I do. It would be so nice to not wake up tomorrow. I just don't know how much I can take.

    I rented a small apartment and spend a lot of time on the balcony crying. My neighbors thought I was doing drugs or selling them and called the police on me. I can't believe I almost got arrested because I stay home all day. Rather than finding out what is wrong these small minded people like to make up their own reasons for someone's circumstance and act irrationally. The anger was actually a welcome relief from the grief. Its gone now and the grief is back.

    She would just be graduating from kindergarten right now. I should be taking pictures of her smiling in her little cap and gown but that was taken away from me. I just wish I could make some kind of sense out of it.

    I miss her so very much.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's sad that the neighbors (and the cops) overreacted that way, without even taking a second to ask you what was going on.

    I hope you make it through the night too. I know it's not easy to hold on, but you're making it, day by day. I can't say that the hurt will go away, but it won't always be this intense. But it's okay to let yourself grieve.
  8. here2help

    here2help New Member

    Hi there, look i am feeling really sorry about your child, but life has to move on.
    I was involved in a car crash a few years ago and lost my Girlfriend and Best friend and i was dying inside too. Time is the greatest healer and take it from me grieving doesn't help, i had to think of the good times and try and move on, its been over 2 years now and i still miss them SOOOOOO much it kills inside...everyday i see them in the car and still get the sweats but my friend the amazing thing about the internet is there are people who can help.
    Please feel free to chat to myself or not its up to you.
    And one last thing to say.
    You are not to blame and never will be....
    Be strong my friend....
  9. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Losing a child is a terrible, terrible thing to come to terms with.It's something you will never get over but, you will at some point come to terms with your loss. I know at the moment it doesnt seem possible that will ever happen...... it will and you will be able to look back at your daughter's life and smile at the memories. I would say at the moment you probably dont want to come to terms with it because in some way that would mean you dont care. It doesnt mean that at all and it's ok to accept it and also its ok to grieve.
    Don't look for reasons and dont blame anyone either because that just makes things worse for you. Try to concentrate more on her life and less on her death. Dont waste time torturing yourself about what might have been, praise yourself for what was. Mostly, remember she is your daughter, always will be and, although it was only for a short time, at least you had her for those years she was here :)
    Talk about her, laugh at the things she did, be proud of her achievements, celebrate her. You won't believe me yet but, all of these things do help.
    Did you have bereavement counselling? It does help but it takes time.
    If you need/want to talk about this, PM me amd i will try to help if I can.
    Wishing you well, I understand, I too lost a daughter.
    Take care :hug:
  10. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    .....hmmm. i have two children. i know for certain, i would never get over, losing either of them.

    no matter how it happened.

    what happened to your little girl, is horrific. and what you are going through, has to be the worst kind of pain, period.

    you do not have to 'get over it'. and in fact, you likely won't.
    you can, however, reach a point where you do have a life. not just survival, but life. love, hopes and dreams.
    but as a parent, i say that i am sure you can't move past this. it is not a husband or wife or friend or aunt or grandma. it was your baby.
    big big big difference.

    i am so so sorry for your loss. am so sorry for this senseless loss - for things your little girl missed out on, and for what the world misses - because we are now less, her contribution taken from us all, as a whole.

    there is nothing i can say to ease your pain - but i do want to say i am sorry, i am here if you want to talk (pm me ) and, i love how you talk about her, i love how you love her, and i hope you never stop talking about her.

    xxxxx all my best to you hun
  11. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    Thank you all for the replies. they really help a lot. I have been mired in my self pity for so long I don't know how to think any other way.

    I have been taking OTC medications to help me sleep and I have spent the last day or so in bed. At least I did not think about ending it. I did not think about much and had a lot of nightmares but I guess it is an improvement.

    I guess the real test will be staying awake but I am going to try and take it day by day. I still cry every day but today it was less paralyzing.

    Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    It's okay to cry, and it's okay to grieve. You've got the right idea ... take things one day at a time. The important thing is that you're still here, and you're still trying. It's not easy, and you'll still have bad days. But there can be good days too.
  13. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    Last night I talked with my landlord. He is a nice guy. I paid him the rent and we just sat and talked over a pitcher of iced tea. He was a good listener and was not judgmental. It was the first time in almost half a year that I had a real conversation. I enjoyed it.

    After I went to sleep I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. I woke over and over again in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face. The contrast between having a reasonably nice few hours and then the terror of my dreams only makes things worse. This morning I am trying not to do it so I am writing here.

    I hope I can make it through it. I think that I have concluded that I don't want to but the despair is overtaking me again. I don't think I can run faster than my demons can fly.

    Please help me.

    I think I am going to call the hotline now. I really just want it to stop.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    Please keep fighting. I know it's not easy. The nightmares have got to be awful. But you can make it through this.

    Keep talking, keep writing, keep doing whatever you have to do in order to hold on. You don't have to go through this alone.

    If you ever need anything, I'm just a PM away.
  15. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    Today I went shopping and the usual happened. I broke down thinking about all the things my little girl loved. I saw her favourite candy and cereal and it all just broke my heart. A woman stopped and asked if I was all right. I couldn't answer her. she asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her and I did. She was kind and compassionate and just listened. She didn't judge and after a while the conversation shifted and we just chatted about everything and nothing. It was the first time I smiled in I can't remember when.

    I walked her to her car and she kissed me on the cheek and we made a date for tomorrow to have coffee again. For the first time in a long time I started to feel something. I don't know what. But I felt.

    I sat in my car for a while and then drove out. Someone had run a red light and slammed into her car. I saw them put her in the Ambulance with a sheet over her face.

    I don't understand. Is everyone that gets close to me destined to die. This just doesn't happen in real life. I keep hoping that it was just another nightmare and that I will wake up but I know it is not.

    Why death following me!!!!!

    This has got to be a sign.

    Why did this happen!!!

    I just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!

    I don't know what to say. I need to keep typing but I just don't know what to type

    I really don't think I am going to make it through the night.

    Why is it that bad things happen to everyone that is nice to me?

    I really believe that the only way to stop it is for me to die. There really can't be another explanation Can there?

    I just got back from the hospital they wouldn't let me see her. I don't even know who she really is. I only know her first name.

    She was beautiful, kind, intelligent, and I was looking forward to talking with her again. Look what happens to people who associate with me.

    I am cursed. I deserve to die.

    The world needs me to die.

    I don't want to die but I really think that I have to.

    This is just one more death on my conscience and I can't take it any more.

    I just don't understand this. Why did she have to die too? Why couldn't this happen to me. I would trade places with her and my daughter if I could. I just don't know.

    I feel like just dropping everything and starting to walk and walk until I drop and just lay there until I die. I really want to die right now but I also don't want to die. I want them back. I JUST WANT THEM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I can't go through this again. I just can't. I can't

    I can't handle this

    I can't handle this

    I can't handle this

    I don't know what to say but if I stop I know I'm going to do it.

    I feel my breath coming in gasps and i can tell that I am getting close. I have to calm down calm down calm down.

    I have to take deep breaths. slow deep breaths.

    OK I think I might not do it tonight. I am not sure but I might be able to control it. I think I just need to breathe.

    I don't know. my mind is whirling a mile a minute. I just can't believe that this has happened. I don't understand it.

    Why did this happen to her. is it because she was kind to me?

    I just don't get it. I really just don't get it.

    If I make it through the night, I'll post again tomorrow.
  16. brokenheart

    brokenheart Member

    I made it. I didn't sleep much. now there are two people in my nightmares
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so glad you made it through the night. But I'm really sorry about the nightmares.

    Is there anything at all that helps you to relax? I know sometimes, with nightmares, if you're able to fall asleep more relaxed, they tend to lessen.

    I know things are so hard. But you're making it. It's not easy, but at least you're still fighting!
  18. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    You've experienced pain that no one should ever, ever feel...

    You should take action to get back in her life. Your wife and child need you, too.
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Brokenheart,

    Welcome to the forums.
    I am so sorry for your loss :(

    Perhaps counselling might be able to help you? Please don't try and cope with this alone, don't be afraid to reach out for help.
    You're not alone xx
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry! What you're going through is awful, and it isn't fair.

    But it also isn't your fault. You don't deserve or need to die. It's not a curse ... not everyone who is nice to you is going to die.

    I hope you made it through the night.
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