Im running out of words..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DeroGeist, Dec 20, 2011.

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  1. DeroGeist

    DeroGeist New Member

    My first post. Hopefully it will be approved because I'm not sure how many messages in a bottle i can send anymore.

    You can call me Dero. The word seems appropriate...

    I am twenty years of age and i've been fighting depression since i was twelve. I guess you can say i was a sheltered child and it was the harsh reality of life all at once that broke me. Growing up i was a hyper kid and i always loved to make people laugh and to this day i guess i still do that. I didn't grow into a 'wealthy' family but we got by and i didn't care much for possessions, only the love of my family. We were all happy when we got our first home. A place to call our own. It was my home. Things were great! I can recall every happy memory like it was just yesterday! I used to play out in the backyard and explore the woods with my sister, haha the games we used to play it was always something different.

    But i guess as i got older, everything just started to change. My fathers attitude started to shift from loving father to...a stranger that i didn't know who he was at times. I guess i ignored the crying..the hitting...and the yelling in the house and it wasn't until my mother sat me down and told me that they were getting a divorce. I guess marriages these days end in the same trend. As if it was on cue that was when my behavior started to change. I became lazy and started to gain weight....then my friends in school became the bullies. This was only the beginning...for on my 13th birthday my father (Which we didn't know until 5 years later ) set flame to our house. A place that ment so much to me as a child. I was inside of the house sleeping when i heard the alarms sound. I was scared but i tried so hard to put out the flames that engulfed my home. I even had to pull my own mother out of the flames. My home was gone my family was broken and it seemed fate wasn't finished with me yet.

    This is only but a fragment of unwanted memories i recalled for you. To many it doesn't seem much of a bother at all and i understand that far many have it worse. But eight years of depression which i've tried my hardest to fight, i feel as if im slowly losing. I am hollow and detached from everyone now even my family. My heart in pieces by the ones i've shared my love with, an emotion and feeling i hold and cherish now only a memory of what it felt like. Durring these times i learned to let my mind wonder off in my own world which i've created in story for years. I don't know where im going with this now it seems im just writing....

    I attempted suicide two days ago hoping i could just go to sleep and wake up in my 'dream world' only to wake up with a rapid heart rate and dizziness. I remained in bed durring this time and just looked out my window as every memory of my life thus far rushed in my head. And here it is. No where i expected it to be...and how it would end but im alive for now....

    Only time will tell how long that would be.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Dero...I am so sorry you have felt so awful that you attempted to end your sounds like you had gone through so many traumatic experiences that it is no wonder you feel as you do...have you sought the advise of anyone who can help? PTSD is such an insipid condition, like a gas filling up inside that is not detected until the coping strategies go completely off the grid...I have been fighting the effects of childhood abuse and neglect, myself and know just how difficult the recovery is...but you deserve to feel better...please continue to post and tell us how you are doing...I am sure many people can relate to what you are saying
  3. DeroGeist

    DeroGeist New Member

    I've shared some of this but not all to friends/family..the talking somewhat helps but only for a little while. Its not much help but sedates the thought.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Dero)) the bad stuff from childhood unless it is faced maybe with the help of a trained professional, keeps coming back and disrupting a lot of what you try to do. my childhood was also had the script written by the devil.. took some time with my therapist to realize that was then and it is now and i am safe and the worst is done and over.. trying to say and ask have you tried the therapy route yet??? it really can help..takes time but well worth your efforts..

    hope you are able to keep from suicide.. keep talking here if you can .. lot of the population understands all too well some of what you are going thru.. take care, Jim
  5. DeroGeist

    DeroGeist New Member

    Yes i have tried therapy. I stopped going at 18 when i went off to college.
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Dero)) you are still with us and i am very glad of that.. do you have the possiblity of restarting some time with a mental health professional again. at least with a doc to maybe see about some antidepresants to help the depression some.. depression is a monster adn meds and someone good to talk to about stuff can be very helpful.. the alone hurts so very much.. hope you can stay safe now.. tc, later, Jim
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