I'm sailaway

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sailaway, Dec 7, 2011.

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  1. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    I'm new to the site. Didn't know it existed. I'm ancient - somehow survived many years. Feeling very tired. Can't get it right. Just keep doing or saying things that get me into trouble. I don't mean to hurt other people. I have to leave my (crummy) job now because I can't face my colleagues after what i said to one of them. lost my rag. he was complaining about a sore shoulder. Wouldn't accept help (I'm a masseuse and healer - not joking! - I'm really good) said he wouldn't see a doctor. I'm diagnosed with terminal condition. It killed my sister and my mother. Stepfather won't contact me since I told him about my diagnosis. Partner got in touch with me after 14 years apart - blissfully happy for 4+ half months, then he died of heart failure. Lost my sister and my job and our home in the same year. Everyone sees it as so long ago - 2011, but it feels like yesterday. Not earning enough to live on - live with an elderly man who is starting to show signs of dementia. If anything happens to him I don't know what to do, I'll be homeless. Don't think I can face getting that far. Don't see any hope for my future. Don't see any way out. Want to join my man and my mother and sis. Feeling so alone. Cannot sleep - have tinnitus too. So tired. Had enough . Is anyone there please?
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Sailaway and welcome...Lord, you are going through a lot...I don't know where to start to say I am sorry for what you are going through...I hope you find the support and caring you are seeking here and stay with us...that way we will be able to get to know you...welcome again
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi sailaway.. welcome.. can identify with ancient way too often myself.. you have been thru a lot of loss in your life. that is very difficult in trying just to keep going.. you say you have a problem some with other people reacting badly to some of what you say.. try not to radically censor yourself on here now.. won't judge, put down or go quits with you.. you got guts to keep going and i like that and respect it.. Jim
     
  4. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    Warm welcome sailaway. do you know that you are such a strong person :hug:
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun glad to see you here reaching out for support hugs
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi sailaway.. I'm a dinasaur(spelling) Do you have any family you could move in with?? Or take the time you have left and look for another job..Check out shelters in your area also.. We wish the best for you..
     
  7. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    Thank you for making contact Sadeyes. I'm so glad I found SF. Are you buddhist?
     
  8. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    I repeat the same mistakes over and over. I've faced homelessness four times, thankfully never actually ended up living on the street. Someone has always helped me out. I don't like this feeling of powerlessness to help myself out of this downward spiral I get trapped in. Particularly hate how self-absorbed I become when I'm feeling like this. At least I am still motivated enough to log in!
    Thank you for your welcome.
    Hope you are ok.

    (I was in Seattle a couple of years ago.)
     
  9. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    Hi pppqp, Thank you for the warm welcome and the affection. Hope you are feeling ok?
    I'm strong until I'm overwhelmed, and then I lose it and do something stupid. I've lost very close friends and it looks as if I'm about to lose my job.
    Hey Ho.
    Not many jobs about. I certainly won't get anything if I'm honest about my health problem.
    Self-employment not proving so successful right now. Am still working hard to get it going.
     
  10. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    Thanks total eclipse.
    I'm welcoming all the support and hugs that are offered.
    Hugs from me too!
     
  11. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    No family left. Only had my partner, Mum, my sister and my stepfather. I guess my stepfather couldn't cope with any more after Mum and my sister (his daughter) died. He hasn't been in contact since I told him about my diagnosis, September 2010.

    Lost my stepkids and grandchildren after my second marriage went West. I thought I'd got over losing them, but it still causes me heartache.

    I am working really hard on getting my self-employment business going, but making about £50 per month so have a long way to go!
    Difficult to get motivated when depression has got you, although I'm ok when I'm doing my self-employed 'thing', because I love it. Is it usual to function on two completely different levels - being virtually unable to do anything until a client is scheduled to arrive and then turning into an effective professional?
    Or am I just deluding myself? Or disassociative? or something else I shouldn't be?
     
  12. sailaway

    sailaway Member

    Not sure how I am going to cope now. One of my kidneys has started bleeding. I've to go for more tests, maybe a scan or an internal 'oscopy'. I've had enough. I get so angry and tearful. I know I'm quite depressed but don't know what to do. I don't want any more tablets. Don't want to have to go back to work at the moment as I've already done something stupid and for the first time in my life I'm facing disciplinary action. I lost my rag with a colleague who didn't deserve it and now I can't face anyone. I can't stop crying. I drove nearly 300 miles today to see a psychic surgeon but it doesn't seem to have done any good. I've got to try to get to sleep with this loud high pitched whine in my ears and I know I can't. I'm eating and eating until I feel really ill, but don't seem to be able to stop.
    I keep trying to be positive. I really do. I can't get things to go right. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't stand this misery much longer. I don't know how to keep going. I drag myself back up again and every time my life gets so much worse. What can I do? Please help. What can I do to help myself? Please tell me.
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you are so worn out out i think the best thing to do hun is to get helpfrom your doctor you go to hospital and ask them for some therapy to help you cope hun with all this stress you are under even if you sign yourself in for a few days hun it will give your mind a rest from everything hugs
     
  14. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find what you are looking for. If you need anything, feel free to send me a PM. :)
     
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