Hi, Im kinda new here I guess, never done anything like this before anyhow. I guess to start off, im very sick. i mean really sick. i have severe deppression episodes, suicide thoughts, and not really sure what to call this one..its weird, i want to stay away from and avoid people, lately, when the phone rings, even at work, i get scared; almost like panic attacks. i only feel safe locked in my room alone in the dark, and i turn my phone off because even it ringing scares me. i dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have i feel uncomfterble around. and these are friends ive known for years too. like, 5+ years. i have a problem getting close to and letting people in though. i have never had a girlfriend after 23 years, some i put off on how ugly i am. i am also the romantic type, i cry at happy and sad endings, hate arguing, and lone for romance. but lately me and my father have done nothing but fight and argue, my mother asks me whats wrong, but like i said, i have a problem letting poeple in. and the only words exchanged between me and my father today, yesterday, day before..etc.. were hateful words. problem is i dont trust poeple, and i think i stopped trusting them years ago when ,my father and i were arguing and he threatend to hit me. ever since then, i havent trusted anyone, nor have i wanted to talk to them, nor have i been close to my family. problem is, i see myself truly alone, because my family is supposed to be the one group of people i can turn to when i need a place to go. ive thought about suicide daily, but the only thing thats kept my from trying it is my religion. but my father noone can argue with, and i HATE HIM!!!!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!! I WISH I HAD NO FAMILY!!!!!!!!! He makes you feel 10x worse for anything wrong youve ever done, and hes perfect. lately ive ad thoughts that he has been trying to kill me, but i dont want to hurt anybody. i want to go away, and suicide is that answer. i told you, im sick. and if my parents knew what i was really like, or what i was writing theyd have me stamped crazy and throw me in a ward or something. i talk to and answer myself, and tell myself its gonna be ok, but it just gets worse. im tired and have headaches all the time, and get nervous at work. if im at a job for longer than a month or so, i start to think everyone is trying to hurt me, and then i look for if they have some kind of weapon. sometimes during a panic attack i also have trouble breathing, in which case just makes it worse, which has happened at work before. i also punish myself because i think i deserve it, which is almost all the time. not with cuts, but other things less obvious, sometimes i starve myself because i think i dont deserve anything. then the next 2 days or so ill be fine, my dad will yell at me and ill go back to punishing myself. he had my older sister seeing a phsychitrist. she actually had to have therapy and be treated. i sleep as much as possible, because getting up is scary, and ill only be yelled at for something else. im scared and alone, but want help. please
Last edited by a moderator: