im scared >_<

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by An Angel in Black, Jan 12, 2008.

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  1. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    Hi, Im kinda new here I guess, never done anything like this before anyhow. I guess to start off, im very sick. i mean really sick. i have severe deppression episodes, suicide thoughts, and not really sure what to call this one..its weird, i want to stay away from and avoid people, lately, when the phone rings, even at work, i get scared; almost like panic attacks. i only feel safe locked in my room alone in the dark, and i turn my phone off because even it ringing scares me. i dont have a lot of friends, and the ones i do have i feel uncomfterble around. and these are friends ive known for years too. like, 5+ years. i have a problem getting close to and letting people in though. i have never had a girlfriend after 23 years, some i put off on how ugly i am. i am also the romantic type, i cry at happy and sad endings, hate arguing, and lone for romance. but lately me and my father have done nothing but fight and argue, my mother asks me whats wrong, but like i said, i have a problem letting poeple in. and the only words exchanged between me and my father today, yesterday, day before..etc.. were hateful words. problem is i dont trust poeple, and i think i stopped trusting them years ago when ,my father and i were arguing and he threatend to hit me. ever since then, i havent trusted anyone, nor have i wanted to talk to them, nor have i been close to my family. problem is, i see myself truly alone, because my family is supposed to be the one group of people i can turn to when i need a place to go. ive thought about suicide daily, but the only thing thats kept my from trying it is my religion. but my father noone can argue with, and i HATE HIM!!!!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!! I WISH I HAD NO FAMILY!!!!!!!!! He makes you feel 10x worse for anything wrong youve ever done, and hes perfect. lately ive ad thoughts that he has been trying to kill me, but i dont want to hurt anybody. i want to go away, and suicide is that answer. i told you, im sick. and if my parents knew what i was really like, or what i was writing theyd have me stamped crazy and throw me in a ward or something. i talk to and answer myself, and tell myself its gonna be ok, but it just gets worse. im tired and have headaches all the time, and get nervous at work. if im at a job for longer than a month or so, i start to think everyone is trying to hurt me, and then i look for if they have some kind of weapon. sometimes during a panic attack i also have trouble breathing, in which case just makes it worse, which has happened at work before. i also punish myself because i think i deserve it, which is almost all the time. not with cuts, but other things less obvious, sometimes i starve myself because i think i dont deserve anything. then the next 2 days or so ill be fine, my dad will yell at me and ill go back to punishing myself. he had my older sister seeing a phsychitrist. she actually had to have therapy and be treated. i sleep as much as possible, because getting up is scary, and ill only be yelled at for something else. im scared and alone, but want help. please
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2008
  2. ryan

    ryan Member

    i can relate to this post more than any other on this site
  3. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    im sorry youre having to go through what i am, id take it away for you if i could, but i cant even help myself.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Your parents are the problem, especially ur dad. I mean how can u feel safe inside if ur not even feeling safe at home?
    U should be working on this with a counsellor and escape from ur home. you sometimes have to "kill" ( by kill i mean not physically) what eats you inside to start a new life. why not going to live to a friends so as to sort u out? I know uve been developping social phobia but if u cant afford to live on ur own, which would be the best in ur situation but not easy when we are that young, maybe you should consider it.

    i know as well that talking to others and forcing u to go to friends is very hard. i can feel for u because im in the same case

    You do need counselling to let the anger and suffering away, thats for sure.
    as for anxiety and social phobia, there are meds that work really well on that.
    feel free to PM anytime.

    and welcome here, you will find understanding here, no matter what time it is. feel free to vant, talk and share.

    all my love.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2008
  5. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    thank you for your support, but i cant afford counceling. i did something to get back at my parents(with credit cards) and owe about 7500. i have been offered a job at 30000+ a year sort of, still working for that but if all works out i was planning on moving out and finishing my degree. my dad even tells me unless i pay rent, food etc.. hes gonna treat me like a kid, not an adult. but then he argues at my still living at home. we do nothing but fight and argue, while i dont mean to come off as an asshole, i do. i found out the other day both my mother and father think im an asshole. problem is i get so nervous and scared around my dad i start yelling and we start arguing and i go up to my room the rest of the night. at tonights dinner not a single word was exchanged between us. i got home late in hopes i could eat alone but he was in the next room and i know he noticed me. and him and my mom are always arguing, they even argued tonight. i put on my headphones and closed my eyes playing my ipod at max.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2008
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear that things are difficult for you at home Angel. My dad likes to argue a lot too, but hey, some people just like arguing. I think he prefers being angry than being happy. I just deal with it and not let it bother. I guess I just have a high threashold or something. Hope things get better.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Best thing to do is to seperate yourself from your father. What are you doing in your life currently. Are you studying? Working?
  8. austinhp78

    austinhp78 Well-Known Member

    my situation is almost identical to yours just without the panic attacks. im sorry your going through this :sad:
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Angel...This is one of those moments where I wish I could reach out and hold your hand...
  10. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member touched. really..ive always wondered what it would be like to hold a girls to be in love...oh how my heart lones for

    for all my new friends, i have written a poem thats kinda uplifting, although i dont feel too much so. i managed to hold my tears back long enough for

    (Life’s Smallest Keepsakes)
    (Dreams, Love, and Mistakes)

    Everyone has a time;
    When a smile is something hard to come by
    And find it to be unclear,
    Why home seems so far away, and nowhere near
    It is then they clench their fist;
    Close their eyes and never let go
    Of the one wish they desire the most

    Tomorrow’s ship may never sail;
    And you might just succeed with today,
    what yesterday you failed
    So take your empty hand;
    And place your dream among the stars, you can

    Sometimes a troubled heart;
    No matter the time, day, or how far
    Will find its way to you;
    And something will begin anew
    It is then that she will reach out her arm
    So close your eyes and never let go
    And what started as one heart will beat as two

    Like the autumn trees bleed to start over;
    Leaving only its leaves behind to care an eternity for one another
    Now that she has your hand;
    Try and let go of hers, you can’t

    Believing is hardest when you fall;
    Even if the strength you gave it was your all
    But don’t worry if at first you don’t shine;
    Getting back up is done with the passing of time
    It is then you will find the treasure within
    Something you have had all along
    That even now has never left your side

    What is this wonderful treasure, you ask;
    It cannot be bought or sold, but found in the past
    They are life’s smallest keepsakes;
    Dreams, Love, and Mistakes

    i know its not a first place poem or anything but..maybe with everyones continued support ill somehow manage to get through this...thank you
  11. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    thats what i think too, but i need im working towards my degree and working at a dead end job trying to get a better im kind of in a pinch.
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