I'm scared, i don't know what to do, suggestions?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SparkyDawg58, Jan 20, 2011.

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  1. SparkyDawg58

    SparkyDawg58 Member

    I'm scared, for the second time in my life I actually have seriously considered ending it all. I'm having some serious relationship issues right now and really don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I'm 52 years olod and the last time i had these thoughts i was 16 and XXXXXXXto do it for me. the thoughts are right there in the back of my brain like i'm still thinking about it. I can't seem to get rid of them. I'don't want to seek professional help because of the legal issues. I don't want to end up in a mental institution again. what do I do? Any suggestions will be seriously considered. Please I need some ideas!

    Not sure what forum to put this in, please put it in whichever one is appropiate. Thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...there does seem to be some distance between talking to someone and being institutionalized...if you fear that will be the case, it sounds like you are really feeling awful, so maybe professional intervention, even speaking to your MD/GP would be a good idea...please continue to share with us what is going on and welcome again...J
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Hello, and welcome to the forums. Well, all I can say is that most times here they don't even put you in the Psych Ward if you voluntarily go to the Hospital. Usually only keep you maybe 24hrs or until you feel safe. They don't institutionalize you I don't think unless you attempt. And even then Ive attempted many times and only been institutionalized 2 times. Maybe the hospital might be helpful. At least if you go there you are safe for a day and still alive.

    :hug: I hope you can feel better. :(
  4. SparkyDawg58

    SparkyDawg58 Member

    When I actually attempted when I was 16 I ended up in a State run mental institution for 9mos, maybe things have changed since then but i'm still scared to hell that that will happen again! Ireally don't know what would happen if I just told someone i was feeling this way, would i end uplocked up somewher for weeks or even months? My career wouldn't survive that. I'm at the point where I'm carrying around a bottle of pain pills in my pocket as my "Escape Route". I know I need someone I can talk to but I really don't feel comfortable talking to any of my friends about this. to be honest i'm a little ashamed of myself for feeling this way, ok, more than a little! My relationship issues are complicated to say the least, I'm in a polyamorous relationship with my wife whom I've been with for 17yrs and our Girlfriend who has been with us for 2yrs now. My wife is 20yrs younger than me and the girlfriend is 29yrs younger than me. I'm not sure too many people would actually understand the problems, let alone some counsler who would think it's all wrong to start with! I relly need to find somewher o9r some one I can turn to who will understand some of the problemms. what i really need is some feedback on resources i can turn to. Any suggestions would be appreciated!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2011
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    Welcome to SF, I may not have alot of experience with your situation but Im here if you need an ear.

    You know deep down what needs to be done, the answers are there just listen to them even if its something you dont want to hear.

    If I asked you what would make you happy, what would your answer be?
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You have a wife and a girlfriend? One 29 years younger the other 20?

    So, if your 52 yrs old, your wife is 23 and the girlfriend 32.

    I can see problems there for ANY man - the disparity of age is not so bad - but there is pressure there no doubt.

    Unconventional as your relationship is I'm not judging it. That said can you provide for them? And if there are babies, how will that work out?

    F*** the pills though. That is not reassurance of yourself as a man - its a reminder of the insecurities - the doubts that ALL men share regardless of our position in life. Every man has his own way of dealing with that sh** but there are universal truisms that can guide us to what we are feeling and why.

    So what's the real problem here bro?

    Feel free to lay it on the line for the rest of the screwed up audience eagerly awaiting to see if someone is more or less screwed than they might be.

    On the surface your doing well. The love of a good women is a panacea for many ills we have as men. The love of two women, I'm not sure what the dynamics of that would be.

    you seem like a man who has a lot to live for - but obviously how this 'seems' to me is not how it looks to you.

    I'm intrigued though.

    I mean, two women? You must be doing something right. Seriously, you should hang on if at least to give losers like me an insight in even how to get one!

    Hope you reply. Good luck and forget the pills.

    There is an easier way out and its staying in the game.
  7. SparkyDawg58

    SparkyDawg58 Member

    Fuck this shit! I just spent over an hour typing the whole god damn story so that i might get some help only to have it deleted because it says i'm not loggeg in??? How the hell could i be typing a fucking reply if i wasn't logged in! Tjis is bull shit!
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I think there is an option in the settings on your account that makes you auto log out every 20 minutes or something. Can't remember exactly but I saw it mentioned somewhere.
  9. Kendle

    Kendle Well-Known Member

    Bah I hate that...it did it to me too til I checked the 'remember me' box. And if you hit the back button then usually it will have what you wrote in the window, in the page you go back to.

    You might also do CTRL-A (select all) and CTRL-C (copy selected) just as a backup measure, before you hit the Submit Reply button. Then if it does that, you can go reply to post again and just do CTRL-V (paste copy) in the body text and you're good.

    I'm waiting; interested, curious, and hoping you're okay. I'd love to hear your insights.
  10. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    If I am typing a really long post, I will type it up in Word first, and then copy and paste it into the forum. It helps to stop this from happening - you don't lose your post if you get auto logged out.

    Look, polyamorous relationships can be hard enough to cope with if you are feeling well. If you are feeling messed up it can be even worse. I have a friend in a lesbian polyamrous relationship and she and her partners have beenthrough some hell. But they have worked through it. Things are not perfect, but they have sought help and are getting there. There is hope.

    As I don't live in the same country as you, I can't give you advice on the medico-legal aspects of seekling help, but there must be a way. Even if you just keep talking through things on here, it will help.
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Oh it took me a while to learn you have to click the remember me when logging in.

    Hope you give it another chance.
  12. SparkyDawg58

    SparkyDawg58 Member

    First off I want to let everybody know that things have been getting better for me in the last day, one day at a time right?

    So ya wanna know some of the sordid details, I was thinking that maybe this will help me to write all this down. I figure this might help me to kind of put it all in perspective, kind of organize it in head. I’ll try to stick to the basics and not get too carried away with useless details.

    Ok, I figure I’ll start with letting you know who we are in a sense. I’m 52 yrs old and have been in the same trade for over 25yrs.

    My wife is 32yrs old and we have been married for 14yrs and together for 16yrs. (Please don’t do the math, you can’t always help who you fall in love with. at least in this state 16 is the legal age of consent.) Those first 15yrs were great, the last year has been hell.

    Our girlfriend is 23yrs old and has lived with us for a year as a roommate, and the last year as our girlfriend.

    My wife and the GF knew each other before she moved in for about a year as well and as it turns out they both secretly had a crush on each other that whole time! It didn’t come out in the open till last year. That’s when a lot of things changed, not all good but not all bad either.

    My wife and her totally in love with each other and still are. In fact they are engaged/promised to each other. When I finally go into the dirt they are going to get married. I do love to see them happy together because I am in love with both of them.

    They were together just them for a month or so and my wife kept trying to talk her into getting me involved with them. Eventually she gave in and things progressed from there. The GF loved me but she wasn’t “in love” with me if you know what I mean. in a way she was with me just so that she could be with the wife, that ended up causing some serious tension at first.

    For the first month every thing was great, then I started having jealousy issues because of the time they were spending together with each other and not me. They would go out on dates and come home semi-bragging about their sexcapades while they were out. I mean they had sex in some fashion everywhere from the side of the road to the bathrooms at Wal-Mart!

    Well, suddenly the sex with me suddenly dropped off dramatically. I started getting jealous of both of them. I was scared that I was being replaced. Let’s put it this way, the first 5mos of last year I had sex twice. Lets just say they had a bit more than that, not a whole lot, but definitely more than that.

    Well eventually the jealousy started turning to anger and I did something I am certainly not proud of and am definitely ashamed of. One night last July we had a real bad argument. I ended up putting a few holes in the walls. I also ended up striking both of them several times each. I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE IN MY WHOLE MISERABLE FUCKIN LIFE BEFORE! Believe me, I ain’t real pleased with myself over that and will never forgive myself for what I did.

    Thank god there were no serious injury’s, a few bruises and scratches maybe but thank god nothing serious. I ended up pleading guilty to two count of domestic battery. I admitted my guilt at my arraignment so that I could move on with my life and try to make things right again with the girls again. I refused a lawyer because I figured that I needed to just “man up” and accept responsibility for my actions. As far as I was concerned I had fucked up BIG TIME and had better try and make thing right again. I also need to mention that, well, I’m still pretty fuckin pissed off at myself for what I did. I’ve always had anger issues but had never done anything that extreme before.

    When I came home from jail I spent the first week sleeping on the front porch, the girls were still a little uncomfortable with me in the house. We did slowly start up a dialog between us though. I ended up moving into the GF’s old room. They took the master bedroom at my insistence. I was happy just to be back in the house with them again.

    Since then we have tried to start a whole new relationship with the 3 of us and do it right this time. For the last 6mos we have been sleeping separately, working on the relationship this whole time. It was starting to all come together again, the GF and was starting to fall in love with me for real and my wife and I were starting to fall in love all over again. They even invited me in to start sleeping with them again, with clothes on and no sex. I figured “COOL” at least we’re making progress! I knew we were all getting close to finally consummating this new relationship.

    Hell, I even learned that I had no real reason to be jealous, a little envious from time to time, but not jealous. I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be replaced, even though I knew they were still having sex together with out me. I was happy that they were happy. I knew we were close to finally ending this ongoing nightmare of mine. I hated being away from them, but I knew that to make things right I had to be patient. Whatever it took to get past that horrible night, I would do it. I mean literally every waking moment when I wasn’t involved in something, I would spend thinking about them and our relationship together. I may even have obsessed over it a little.

    Now I know that sex ain’t all there is to a relationship but to me it is an important part of it and needless to say I have been a little frustrated. What the hell, to be blunt about it I have only had sex twice in last 12mos now. All the while I have known that they were still having sex together, without me.

    Then about 4 nights ago they come home from a date out together and start telling me about how they were having a very passionate, loving kiss. A kiss that was so loving and passionate that a complete stranger had to come up to them and them just how beautiful it was to watch. It kinda got to me at that point.

    Then I fucked up again. I didn’t do anything me stupid like hit them again or anything but I did kinda lose it and got all pissed off telling them that this is bullshit. There was a lot of yelling and screaming from all parties and tears from the girls. I hate to see them cry, especially if I’m the one causing it, I felt like shit and it just made me angrier and caused even more yelling and screaming. It ended up that they took off and left the house, turned off their cell phones and ignored me for a day and a half.

    About that time my brain and heart started going into fuckin overdrive and all I can think of is that I just set us back a couple of months more when we had been so close to getting back together. I have put so much of myself into trying to make things right with them, we where all falling in love again and I had fucking blown it. Again. I have done everything I possibly could to bring us back together again and we were so close and I felt that I totally fucking blown it. I have put so much of myself into this that I felt completely drained of all emotional energy. My heart was so fucking broke it was beating with a god damn limp.

    That’s when I started having those feeling and thoughts that there just wasn’t any fucking reason to live anymore. I felt worthless and useless. I actually scared myself because I actually grabbed a bottle of pain pills and took off for a walk, not planning on coming back. I haven’t actually had thoughts that serious about suicide since I was 16. It was scaring the hell out of me. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do it. I called a friend and went to his house and just kinda hung out, not telling him what I was thinking, still carrying the pills with me. Wanting to take them and too fucking scared to at the same time. I decided I had better do something, I knew in my heart that I had better reach out in some way to someone. That’s when I got online and found this site. I decided to stick it out for at least a little while and see what happened. I’m glad I did. I think that just knowing that there was somebody out there that wanted to listen to me helped, a lot. Maybe it was knowing that I could do this anonymously. Actually I know that was a big part of it.

    The girls eventually came home and we eventually started talking again. I found out that I hadn’t blown it quite as bad as I had thought. It turns out I really didn’t set us back nearly as bad as I had made it out to be in my own head. I found out that we are still very close to ending my nightmare of the last 6mos. I found out that they are both still in love with me. I will never tell the girls just how bad I felt or what I was thinking of doing. I will however seek out some kind of counseling, because I know in my heart just how close I was to totally losing it and ending my life. But I will never tell them how bad it was, or how close it was.

    So, I just realized how long this was. I hope it ain’t too long. I hope I didn’t bore anybody with all of this crap.

    But I do want to thank you all for being here. I want to thank whomever came up with this site. It helps just knowing it’s here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2011
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I think for you and everyone involved it would be better if you ALL took a step back and looked at what life your trying to live. If any of you dont think or has any hesitiation of it working out, I would def rethink the situation.

    As for marrying young, I did to, Ive been married since I was 17 and in my life I was able to do alot of the partying and do life in general. So it made growing up and living like an adult so much easier for me. Has your wife been able to do that? If that makes any sense.

    Its hard enough in these days to be with just one person but you guys are trying the have 3 people in a relationship and Im sure you all have differant point of views on life and how you want it to work out. So it must be hard coming together on alot of things.

    As for the violence, I might be a little predijuce about that, growning up in a abusive family has really done some lasting damage to me and my mind. Please be careful on how you take this forward, because it seems once you hit its easy to do it again. Please think of some therapy for yourself regarding this.

    I havent been on much lately but anytime you want to chat you can PM.
  14. Nima

    Nima Well-Known Member

    Hello SparkyDawg

    Welcome to the Forum i really hope you don't think about ending your life we all have realationship problems you're still young 52 years old and you probably have kids who love and adore you.

    Please come to this Forum whenever you want to vent
  15. SparkyDawg58

    SparkyDawg58 Member

    We have no children at this point. though we are trying. I'm thinking about going over to the local mental health clinic and try and get some counseling. we are also thinking of trying for some relationship counseling if we can find someone who won't be judgemental about our relationship. All 3 of us really do want this to work long term.
  16. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Relationship counselling will probably help, especially if you all want it to work. And I believe that complex relationships can work. Good luck.
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