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I'm scared of my friend's "joke" about finding and killing me

Scytaic

SF Supporter
#1
Backstory: I met an online friend about 2 months ago and he tells me every day that he likes me even though I've made it clear every single time that I don't feel that way about him. He then acts dumb and pretends to be confused and then continues flirting etc which he knows I don't like.

Anyway, last night I was camming with a few friends and drinks. I know some of them in person and met a few others from online, including him. We were quite drunk when suddenly he started "joking" about how he's going to find where I live to come and kill me. He talked about this for way over 10 minutes while my friends were just shocked and trying to protect me by saying things like "oh she doesn't live in that town anymore and she lives in a very protected gated community etc". But then he got more serious saying things like "I'll blackmail & threaten your (my) friends to give me your address and if I can't get it I'll go to your town and ask about for people who know you." No one was laughing at all, he seemed very serious and thinking hard about it and just kept talking on and on about how he's going to blackmail, threaten and find me and kill me etc. I even got pretty pissed off at this point and said seriously (to try and scare him off) "If you threaten my friends then you'll live to regret it, you underestimate me." In which he replied just as seriously, "you're underestimating me." Eventually the conversation moved on but I just mostly kept quiet after that.

My problem: I PM'd some of the friends and they agreed it was very worrying. But - he is already quite close to one of my other friends and I'm worried that if I talk to her about it, she might have just seen it as a joke and then it'll just cause drama and she won't want to be friends anymore (and she's close friends with one of my closest friends). Obviously all I want to do is block him but 1, I'm actually scared now as stupid as that might sound (I have very bad anxiety disorders so idk), 2, I don't want to breakup/divide my friendship group because besides him, they're very awesome and nice people and I'm so happy I finally have such a nice group of friends, I don't want to lose that. So I don't know what to do. :/

Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance!
 
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Sunspots

Pffffeckn amazin
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
That's a tricky one. I'd be really freaked out if someone said all that to my friends and I, no way would I see it as funny. But of course the likelihood is that he did mean it as a joke although it was in really poor taste.

If the rest of your friendship group were as shocked as you I'd speak to the ones you're comfortable with and tell them how scared it's made you and your fears around blocking him. My guess is they'll come down on your side.

If you're really worried I'd also consider contacting the police. I very much doubt at this stage they'd actually do anything but it would be good to log it in case he does anything similar again.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#3
Hey,
I've been in too many situations like this to not take it seriously. I don't think he meant it as a joke. I think you should trust your instincts as well as your friends instincts who started protecting you as this guy went on and on about killing you. It's likely he wont do anything but I dont think that matters. Even if he didnt mean it as a joke and has no real intention to act, the fact that he seriously thinks these things is horrible. Not friendship.

Telling he likes you everyday in spite of you telling him you dont like him that way shows he doesnt care about your boundaries. And is a bit obsessive.

I personally would block him and explain to your mutual friend why you have done so. If she doesnt understand and cuts contact with you because of it, that shows what kind of friend she is. If blocking him gives you peace of mind then its worth it. You can also explain that to your friend.

And yes, getting the police involved if his behavior escalates is a good idea.
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
I would cut all ties immediately and block the person. If he is close to a friend of yours, I would make it clear to them not to give out any information. I would rather lose a friendship, than be in danger. You may seriously consider making a police report out. Things like this have a tendency to possibly escalate beyond the internet.
 

Scytaic

SF Supporter
#5
Just a tiny update, we were all talking about last night on group chat and someone said (light-heartedly) that he was saying a lot of weird things last night, so I used that opportunity to talk about what he said (also light-heartedly) which he then got slightly defensive and didn't even apologise after I said it scared me especially given my past traumas. Everyone else on the group didn't say anything and the conversation moved on when someone else joined. I haven't slept in 2 days and my mind hasn't been in a very good place lately so I'm overthinking like crazy. I hope my friends aren't silently thinking "wow she's over reacting".

Also, thank you all so much for your replies, I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel like it was too far. Whether he was joking or not, it's still scary and I just recently came out of an abusive relationship (which he knows about) so I wasn't sure if I was just being dramatic. I'll update if anything new happens but for now I desperately need sleep haha!
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#6
Although I'm late joining in on this, I do agree with the others that he did go too far. For him to even think that what he was doing was just in jest was in poor taste. Drunk or not, it was piss poor judgement on his part.
From the sounds of it, it seems that the majority of your were made to feel uneasy about his behaviour, but I believe it would've been better if they had exhibited more support towards you instead of trying to look away until the moment had passed.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#8
I would not take such as a joke, but as a very real threat. It was also incredibly stupid of him to make such a comment since anything, and I mean just about anything bad happens to you he is prime suspect unless he has an ironclad alibi since multiple people heard the comments. I know that where I live we have castle doctrine and stand your ground here so anything that goes into the toilet in that type of situation I would have many people that would be called to testify I acted in self defense is the person tried to carry out.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#9
Bounce. Screw this person if he has kept on pushing boundaries.... find different people. That really got your back If they were your real friends they would have told him to get lost. Whats the update @Scytaic
 
#10
This guy sounds at least like a stalker, quite possibly worse.

You might want to try visiting www.hotpeachpages.net and try talking to domestic violence/abuse resources (I know you're not living with him, but I think this is something that they would still cover). Talking to the police might be a good idea too.
 

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