Do you ever feel like you have an animal inside you just waiting to be let out? I'm going to try and keep this not too graphic, hopefully it won't be beyond site rules. So yes, I'm scared of myself. Not the sense that I'm scared of cutting or scared of killing myself, I'm used to that. I'm just waiting for some courage to follow through with that. No, I'm scared of myself because of what I think I might become if I didn't work as hard as I do at self control. Now Iive accumulated a lot of anger over the years, fair enough as far as things go, but starting about a year, year and a half ago, this anger has started to spill over into rage. Now everything gets me angry, big things, small things, good things and trivial things. And it's not just normal old anger anymore, that smolders away inside of me. It's morphed into a white hot spill of rage that threatens to drown me and immolate everyone and everything around me. I'm not saying that to be overdramatic either, because the way in which my anger boils over is uncontrollable hatred of whatever happens to be on my mind at the time, and the graphic and enticing fantasies of killing everyone. Not just people who annoy me, everyone, everyone I love, everone I hate, people I don't even know, I just see them and my mind shows me several violent and bloody ways in which I could end them. I can't control it, I can barely hide it or contain it, I just see someone, anyone, and my brain just tells me to make them suffer, to make them feel my pain. This is fucking terrifying. I start to believe that people don't matter anymore, that they're just things. I've caught myself referring to people as "it" and "that", as if they were objects. I've also found myself unconsciously reaching to hurt people as I talk to them, twisting my arms as if to break their necks as I hug them. This scares and disgusts me. It's like I've got this creature inside me and all it wants is to make to world bleed. I've had to start strictly following a set of rules, just to stay in control. I have to stop myself from doing stuff that most people wouldn't even consider doing. I don't allow myself to be alone in a room with any animal, because I know that the constraints that make me fight my compulsion to hurt people are no where near as strong with animals. I have to get up and physically leave a room if I become too angry, no matter where I am, I force myself to compliment someone who is pissing me off so I have to think of something positive about them instead of how good it would feel to end their life. I'm just terrified that one day the rules won't be enough, the self control I have built up over the years will break and I will do something horrible. I can't afford to break, because I know that if I do then I'll end up doing something that won't just be local news, it'll be world wide front page. And not in a good way. My dreams are filled with other people's screams and I can't go to some professional because guess what? Either they'll dismiss me which will cause me to snap or they'll drug me up and lock me away like some animal. Sometimes I wonder if I'm suicidal because of the shit that's happened to me and how I feel, or just because something in me knows it'll be much better for me to die that for me to hurt someone that I love. I try so hard to be a good person, to the point where I will put myself through emotional torture to try and help someone, where I will ignore my problems no matter how bad I feel to try and help someone else, and I feel so guilty when someone tries to help me because on the one hand I want to feel better. But on the other hand I know that I don't deserve help, that deep down I'm not a good person. I'm a sick monster who should be put down.