So, i've cutt before.. and i've overdosed and i've jamp out of a window or even just annoyed the wrong people. That was before, i was way to nieve to actually see what that meant, i didn't relise i was actually living an okay life compared to others. And things got worse.. i held fast, eversice my last time at new years.. i've noticed i will wake from some kind of day dream in my own thoughts blade in my hands and shaking.. i actually long for the feeling of my own blood and the dizzy thrill. I wish i was so weak, that i really let my feelings take over, but now.. i have no fear of death.. if i died.. i have a feeling that it will be blissful.. i don't fear physical pain anymore.. and i long for it to release my inner pain. i was happy. or i thought i was i was cleaning and bouncing about the house then i just suddenly thought, i have a razor upstairs why not go try it? i wasn't sure why i thought that... i don't hear voices and i don't hulicinate and i'm not insane, but all this.. pain and fear for other people as well as love and not wanting to hurt those again. it really does get to me... everything is crushing down on my shoulders leaving me on the floor with such a feeling that i am forcing myself to draw blood. i'm not saying this for help... somone once told me that just saying what troubles you.. is a good enough step in it's self.. and i believe it. i've posted much more since that person said this to me. Thanks for reading.