I'm scared that it won't get better and I'm sinking again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by just_me_again, Aug 20, 2015.

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  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. I don't want to call anyone because I don't want them to hear me like this and I don't want a stranger to hear it either. I got dumped off at a dorm of a second rate college and I have no idea what to do now. Everyone keeps talking about the future but all I see is a dark black hole. I'm supposed to call and make an appointment with a psychiatrist and a psychologist but I'm scared of doing that. I don't know why. Today, I felt like I was going to die. The last thing I wanted to think about was writing a paper about my passion. I feel no passion. I have to spin some bullshit to get some bullshit grade for a bullshit class for my own bullshit life. I just want something to feel real that doesn't hurt.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. You are very young and please keep the appointments. Do not be scared at all. In life we do get down at some point but it's about living. Are you taking medication at the moment? Another point is, if you do not like the course can you change the course or perhaps take a gap year until you are ready to restart your higher education. There are many options available and no doubt your parents will miss you. You got to be strong but dealing with one situation at a time is better. Be honest in your meeting and you will get a lot of sympathy from the professionals. Remember you are not alone but among friends here. Please be safe and do not worry, please.
     
  3. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    Thank you for replying. I'm still taking my medication. My parents were abusive so I actually was living with my aunt and uncle up until now. I wanted to take a gap year but they insisted that I go to college and are even paying for part of it. I feel ungrateful because this is not what I want, but I don't know what else I want to do except curl up in a ball and die. Thinking about the future and thinking about the money my uncle's giving me and thinking about the money I'll potentially have in debt is crippling. Yet somehow, I still do everything with a big smile on my face because I don't want anyone to worry. As far as anyone else knows, I'm loving college. It's one big party in my dorm room when I'm alone and feeling so dead.
     
  4. nightfallagain

    nightfallagain Well-Known Member

    you are putting too much pressure on yourself and this is hindering your performance in life. Be gentle with yourself and your feelings, the more stubborn you are with how you feel, the less progress you will make. It is about you, and no one else// How do you think you can improve on how you feel about yourself? It is nothing to do with anyone else's feelings but your own. Grasp your feelings, coddle them, that is ultimately your goal. As far as your psychologist and psychiatrist...trust me, be honest with them..they can help you and so can the meds in time.
     
  5. dccolt

    dccolt New Member

    Hello just_me_again,

    I remember when I was in college (20 years ago), it was the hardest time of my life. I was depressed, lonely, and spent a lot of time delving in suicidal thoughts. I also had so much anxiety back then I suppose I could have been on anxiety/depression medication, but after trying it a couple times I just didn't want to take it. I don't know why, but I just didn't take it.

    But fast forward to now, I am married with beautiful children AND I am happy 90% of the time. Hang in there. The college years are tough, but life does get easier. Take it a day at a time. And remember, it takes time (a least 6 months or so) to make friends and to make some good memories at a new place, whether it is a new place, home or job. If you are young, which it sounds like you are, hang in there because you have lots of time to find love, friendships and good memories in your life. Don't miss out.
     
  6. just_me_again

    just_me_again Active Member

    I'm better today. I'm doing all my homework, taking all my medication, and I am going to start working on Tuesday. I have people to eat with at lunch now and I even went to a party. I've always been kind of good at making friends and sort of good at school (I have a scholarship that I have to maintain, which is another frightening thing that's always looming over my head). I just don't see a point in all of it. I feel like I'm just barely scraping by and I don't know what for. I can't see myself in a career. I can't see myself getting married or having kids. I'm trying to take it a day at a time but it's hard. Everything just seems endless.
     
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