I'm scared to live but, I'm scared to die!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ***LEA***, Feb 9, 2007.

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  1. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    I have taken an overdose twice in the last 3 months but, each tim I managed to convince th Hospital it was an accident. I didn't want to alert them to my suicidal intentions because I felt so ashamed. This time I have planned it better, so there will be no comeback on my family.
    I may as well be dead because I cant seem to do anything. I spend most of my time in bed or watching TV. I have been dressed once in the last 2 weeks and have left the house once in th last 3 weeks. I never answer the door or telephone unless it's one of my kids. I can't remmber the lasttime I cooked a proper meal. I can't concentrate and I forget words in the middle of a sentence. I don't care about anything and all I do is snap at all the people I care about, Then I feel guilty but I can't apologise to them. I tried many, many times to call the samaritans but each time they answer the phone, I hang up like a big wuss!
    I went to my doctor and clammed up. I keep thinking of going to the hospital but, what do I do? walk in there and just say I want to kill myself? I dont think so and anyway, I'd be so ashamed to be put in the psychiatric unit. Its all just a vicious circle. I really want to die but I also really want to live but, I can't bear it any longer!
    I'm scared to live and i'm scared to die. I'm just a big old coward, I canteven ge this right. What if I don't really want to die but I can't stop myself commiting suicide? I have taken too many paracetamol tablets for 2 days on the run now. I know that if I don't get help soon then it will be too late anyway but still I know I will do the same tomorrow, I can't help myself. I'm as good as dead already
     
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Don't ever let shame stop you from seeking the help you really need. Imagine that there is actually someone/something that can help you, and instead of swallowing your pride and asking for it, you commit suicide. If you need to, then you should ABSOLUTELY walk into a hospital and commit yourself. You can't control your depression, so you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your children would rather have a mother in the hospital than no mother at all. Do it for them, and be PROUD of yourself for doing the right thing.
     
  3. ***LEA***

    ***LEA*** Guest

    Oh peanut, I just can do it!
     
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Can you talk to your children about your feelings? If you could, you know that they would want the best for you and they would want you to get help. It might be embarassing, but to let embarrassment keep you from living would be a huge mistake. You must know this deep down. Nobody ever died of embarassment or shame. You would get over it and be stronger for it. Asking for help can be difficult, but your children will thank you for being honest enough to save yourself.
     
  5. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    I have good news for you. One day you WILL die. It doesn't matter if you're scared or not because theres nothing you can do about it. The question you want to ask is, do you want to live as long as you can, or be dead sooner than you need to be. I can promise you that you will be dead longer than you will be alive, so I recommend you stay alive for the time being and seriously think about that.
     
  6. stealth

    stealth Member

    I feel the same way...............its lose lose no matter what you do at this point....................I have so many good memories but right now all I can do is watch tv and sit on the couch and look up brain disorders and suicidal things on the internet. That pretty much sums up what Ive fallen down to the past couple of weeks. Im too scared to see or speak to anyone except my immediate family.................and even when i tell them how im feeling all i can feel is that they dont get it, and its making them feel worse for not being able to do anything to help me...........anyway i feel your pain...........so much that I cant put it into words I just relate to yours in every way ............Ill keep posting..............................
     
  7. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Awe. You sound as if you are in need of a break. Some fresh air and breathing room...
     
  8. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I feel exactly the same way. Just as scared as life as I am of death.
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Lea, you are describing depression, and so i want you to know that depression *can* be treated, you can start to feel better from this awfulness and lack of energy you are feeling right now. doctors nowadays know alot more about mental illness than they did in the past and can help set you up with some great supports. i was in exactly your shoes 5 months ago, but i am much better these days. also, you won't necessarily be admitted - i get help through a day hospital - these days i just pop in every few weeks to make sure i'm still okay but at first i went several times a week, with the nurse popping by my house to see how i was in between. if you are scared for what to say to your doc, just write it down and refer to your notes. all they really need to know is what you told us: you don't want to die but you are so tired of living.
     
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