I'm scared.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Daukatt, Sep 25, 2013.

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  1. Daukatt

    Daukatt Member

    Hi.

    I'm new. [Presentation in the presentation forum]

    I don't really know what to say, because I have no idea how I feel. No, really, I don't.
    And when I don't know HOW I'm feeling, then that means I have no idea how to get rid of this.
    The only two options I come up with are to end it, or to run away.
    I feel like I am to scared to go through with either..

    I believe I have a personality disorder, or at least a problem with finding myself. Who the fuck am I?
    If anyone have some good replies to that, PLEASE tell me. Because mainly that is the shit that is driving me crazy. I feel like a paranoid schizophreniac freak that no-one wants to really befriend. All though, I do have one or two people in my life that I love and trust, well, at least I think I do. But then again, who the hell knows?
    When you cant even trust your own head, how can you trust anyone standing on the outside?
    I refuse to let people in, so I put on this fucking mask and hide behind a wall of fake smiles and laughter.
    When I feel inside, that I would like to end it. I want to throw up all my guts and remove myself from anything good or bad. I just dont want to be here. And the feeling of that, drives me crazy. I'm not sure if I have any more tears left, so I cant heal myself by crying either.

    I know that I'm a good person, but It's like I have this evil-ass twin inside my head that makes me do the wrong things all the time. Something really bad has just happened in my life that has caused me to wrap my head around the thought about changing for the better, but my fear is that It's too late for that now. Everyone knows me for being a loser, an asshole, a shit stain on the ground. < This is my life currently, and this is my past.

    I am so damn tired.
    I just want to go.
    I really need to go.

    I know most parts of what I'm writing now probably wont even make sense to you.
    I just really hope someone on here understands what I mean, I need help, but I can't afford to get ''professional'' help. And I'm not even sure that it would be doing me any good. I have tried before, and I always seem to end up here.
    I just cant change my bad ways of living, and it breaks the crap out of me.

    Also, I feel like hell for not be good lookin', and I treat people like shit.
    I mess with people's heads, I've been called a psycho, and in a way, I kinda agree. Because I'm just that.
    I'm not a person. I'm neither good or evil, I'm just me. And even I don't fucking know what I am. So maybe they are right? Maybe I should end it. Maybe that would be the solution.

    I am scared. Who am I?

    Fuck it.
    I hope you enjoyed my shitty writing.

    - Chris.
     
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    "who the fuck am i?" I ask myself this question a lot. I've been going to this support group and it's taught me how to look at myself in parts rather than as whole. I'm not depressed, a PART of me is depressed. That part is depressed to protect me from another part. I know it sounds crazy but if you try to pick apart the different parts of yourself you'll find it easier to realize what it is you're feeling and how to go about healing those parts and feelings. If you want me to explain further, PM me. I'm always here for you. You're not alone okay?
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just replying to let you know you're being heard. If you're able to find a way to get professional help, and you're honest with them, I do think it could benefit you. You could find out if you DO have a personality disorder, which may then help to answer some of your other questions.
     
  4. Daukatt

    Daukatt Member

    Thanks for your replies..
    I've been down this road before, but I'm just so far down right now :(

    I dont know what to say.. Thanks
     
  5. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    It's okay. There is always an up to the down. Just remember that, okay? :hug:
     
  6. PsychBuzz

    PsychBuzz Member

    Everybody wonders about their existence and some people drive themselves insane thinking about it. And everything you've written here, about how you behave towards people and how you feel about yourself. Its all you. Its your personality. And thats what makes you unique. So don't allow self doubt and your insecurities to trouble you because we all have them. Even the most perfect seeming person harbors them beneath the surface so my best advice is to just go along with the flow and not let them distract you from whatever dreams you have or whatever you intend to do in life.
     
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