I think I'm going to kill myself. Really soon. I've been way too sad for way too long and nothing ever changes no matter how hard I try to fix it. I can't even remember what actually being happy feels like. I used to have patches of happiness that would last a few months but I haven't had any in about a year, and nothing helps. I'm stuck at home away from college and it's manageable when I'm at school because my friends are there but here it's only my parents and they make me want to kill myself more than anything. They keep threatening that I won't be able to go back and if that's true then I'll definitely end it as soon as I possibly can because I've been going through so much shit just to get out of here and away from them. If everything I've been through wasn't worth anything and there's nothing to look forward to then I don't really feel like I have a choice. There are just so many problems in my life and none of them ever get solved and maybe some people would miss me a little but I don't know how much longer I can stand this constant pain. I just want everything to be over. The truth is I kind of want help but there's no one to talk to. I can't call a hotline, all the chats are busy, and my friends wouldn't understand. I told the one person who I thought understood me that I was feeling really upset and he just kind of brushed it off. I've been trying to go see a psychologist or something but I don't know how and my mom's being really unhelpful. I don't know what to do anymore except die. I just hate being alive.