Hi, I'm new here, and I hate to start things off this way, but I'm scared...really scared. My name is Patrick, I'm 18, and I want to end my life. Plain and simple, but I want to end it because I feel like my back is against the wall and there's nothing else I really can do. It started with losing the girl -- roughly 9 months ago? I'd say that for around 6 months in that time frame, I was completely numb. Not happy, not sad, just existing from day to day wondering why I'm still here. And I'm recovering, to an extent. By that, I mean that things aren't exactly going to plan during my recovery...if I were to compare it to anything, you know how in season 1 of the Walking Dead, Rick wakes up in the hospital and has to figure out for himself just exactly the kind of world he's in? No guidance, no one to help. I feel like that, and I know it's stupid to compare the two but they make sense in my mind. A person is "out" for a number of time and has to try and come back and find meaning in a world that seems completely different from how they left it..with multiple odds against them. I'm a college student, and the "fruits of my labour" aren't showing in the slightest. I'm 80% positive I've failed two VERY integral classes. And this is because, during the last month or so of that 6-month "numb" period, I wouldn't go to class...like I'd skip weeks at a time. And during one of those weeks, I missed a quiz and a test. After the final exam, I earned myself a 59.2% in that class. The other, I think I auto-failed for not showing up so many times. The reason I was out so much was because I couldn't find the energy to get up in the morning. I was depressed about losing the girl, and it's affected so much to the point where I feel like being 6 feet under is my best bet right now. On top of that, I've just recently lost my job, maybe 2-3 days ago. It wasn't much, but it paid for my car payment. I was depressed, so my work ethic went down -- and if we're being completely honest here, they weren't helping in the slightest. I was treated like shit while I worked there. But they wanted no part of it, and they didn't listen to the voice of reason either. I tried to explain my situation, and all my manager did was tell me where I kept "fucking up". He had already told me I had been fired at this point, and after about an hour of trying to get my job back, all we had to say to each other was negative. I told my manager he was a fat prick, told him to fuck off and slammed the door on my way out. After coming home and telling my parents, it was practically a bloodbath of wordage, and it came down to "find a job in two weeks or you're out of the house". I've thrown my application in everywhere and nothing's come through. I know I need to change myself, and I have goals in life..to live in Canada, to be able to live on my own and support myself with a decent living. But right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change and I'm afraid it's too late. My parents won't understand, my ma was yelling at me for what seemed like at least an hour over a C -- and rightly so, I mean, she offered to pay for my school...but I can't imagine the fury of bringing two F's home. I've never done that before. I tried explaining where I was before, and my parents just yelled at me and gave an elaborated "I told you so" -- when I told them I wanted help, they filled me with questions like "Why are you trying to get help now -- why didn't you do it 'x' months ago?" or "Tell me the reason why you want to see a therapist and we'll set you up." Even though I gave them reasons, I still haven't gone. It's been days and I'm thinking of setting myself up for the appointment but I don't know any of the insurance information or anything. Honestly I think it's just time for me to go. I've failed this world and there isn't much for recovering from two F's....I'm jobless, friendless, my house is borderline abusive but I have nowhere else to go, no lover or anything so I doubt anyone would give two shits if I died; I have no way out at this point. I want to make things different for myself, but I don't know the steps. So I'll remain scared until I probably end up just declaring that I'm done and hang myself in my closet.