I'm Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Malz, Dec 31, 2014.

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  1. Malz

    Malz New Member

    Hi, I'm new here, and I hate to start things off this way, but I'm scared...really scared.

    My name is Patrick, I'm 18, and I want to end my life. Plain and simple, but I want to end it because I feel like my back is against the wall and there's nothing else I really can do. It started with losing the girl -- roughly 9 months ago? I'd say that for around 6 months in that time frame, I was completely numb. Not happy, not sad, just existing from day to day wondering why I'm still here. And I'm recovering, to an extent. By that, I mean that things aren't exactly going to plan during my recovery...if I were to compare it to anything, you know how in season 1 of the Walking Dead, Rick wakes up in the hospital and has to figure out for himself just exactly the kind of world he's in? No guidance, no one to help. I feel like that, and I know it's stupid to compare the two but they make sense in my mind. A person is "out" for a number of time and has to try and come back and find meaning in a world that seems completely different from how they left it..with multiple odds against them.

    I'm a college student, and the "fruits of my labour" aren't showing in the slightest. I'm 80% positive I've failed two VERY integral classes. And this is because, during the last month or so of that 6-month "numb" period, I wouldn't go to class...like I'd skip weeks at a time. And during one of those weeks, I missed a quiz and a test. After the final exam, I earned myself a 59.2% in that class. The other, I think I auto-failed for not showing up so many times. The reason I was out so much was because I couldn't find the energy to get up in the morning. I was depressed about losing the girl, and it's affected so much to the point where I feel like being 6 feet under is my best bet right now.

    On top of that, I've just recently lost my job, maybe 2-3 days ago. It wasn't much, but it paid for my car payment. I was depressed, so my work ethic went down -- and if we're being completely honest here, they weren't helping in the slightest. I was treated like shit while I worked there. But they wanted no part of it, and they didn't listen to the voice of reason either. I tried to explain my situation, and all my manager did was tell me where I kept "fucking up". He had already told me I had been fired at this point, and after about an hour of trying to get my job back, all we had to say to each other was negative. I told my manager he was a fat prick, told him to fuck off and slammed the door on my way out. After coming home and telling my parents, it was practically a bloodbath of wordage, and it came down to "find a job in two weeks or you're out of the house". I've thrown my application in everywhere and nothing's come through.

    I know I need to change myself, and I have goals in life..to live in Canada, to be able to live on my own and support myself with a decent living. But right now, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change and I'm afraid it's too late. My parents won't understand, my ma was yelling at me for what seemed like at least an hour over a C -- and rightly so, I mean, she offered to pay for my school...but I can't imagine the fury of bringing two F's home. I've never done that before. I tried explaining where I was before, and my parents just yelled at me and gave an elaborated "I told you so" -- when I told them I wanted help, they filled me with questions like "Why are you trying to get help now -- why didn't you do it 'x' months ago?" or "Tell me the reason why you want to see a therapist and we'll set you up." Even though I gave them reasons, I still haven't gone. It's been days and I'm thinking of setting myself up for the appointment but I don't know any of the insurance information or anything. Honestly I think it's just time for me to go. I've failed this world and there isn't much for recovering from two F's....I'm jobless, friendless, my house is borderline abusive but I have nowhere else to go, no lover or anything so I doubt anyone would give two shits if I died; I have no way out at this point. I want to make things different for myself, but I don't know the steps. So I'll remain scared until I probably end up just declaring that I'm done and hang myself in my closet.
  2. KaRue

    KaRue Member

    First off, you will NOT kill yourself. Don't you even dare, otherwise I will bring you back from the dead, kill you, bring you back and ask why you were so stupid. You're a smart kid with a life full of promise, you've just hit a rough patch in life.

    I know where you're at, I'm also in a situation that seems hopeless and that I can't get out of. I understand what your parents are doing, because mine do it too.

    My first bit of advice would be to take a day or two break from everything. Drive to another part of town, or to a nearby city. Clear your head, and prepare yourself to work hard. Go home and tell your parents about the grades, and explain to them that you really do need help. After that, vow to work as hard as you can.

    From there, go to therapy and make the most of it.

    I know this is weak, and it is. I'm sorry I can't be of any more help. I'm still going through my struggle and haven't reached a solution, so therefore, I can not give you the best advice in this given time.

    Please keep fighting, you deserve it. I love you Patrick.
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