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I'm scared.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Apr 6, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    omg I'm so scared. I'm so fucking scared. Only thinking of the POSSIBILITY that it MIGHT happen, makes me burst into tears....

    My mate Chrissy had a boyfriend, he broke up with her after 7 months and she was a wreck. I walked into her room, finding her ready to end her life. Took her to the crisis centre of the mental health care. I got so scared that day. I have lost my best mate to suicide back in 2004. Chrissy had grown to be my best mate ever since we ended up living in the same house and I couldn't bare losing her. I just couldn't. I loved her, still do, to death.
    Anyway for months she was a total wreck. She'd lost the love of her life...
    2 months ago he called her, wanting her back. she fell for it.
    I'm happy for her that she's happy, don't get me wrong. I just am a bit cynical about it all :sad: He's hurt her SO much back then, and I just find it hard to believe that he won't hurt her again. I honestly am so scared that she'll end up being suicidal again if he ever breaks up with her again.

    Now, after they've been back together for 2 months, he's expressed to her that he'd want to live with her (perhaps it's a smaller step for him now, cos he and Chrissy got together when he moved into the house as well, that's how they met, so they practically lived together -in a studenthome- during those 7 months they were together. When he broke up with her he moved back to his folks). So they are thinking about moving into an apartment together...

    What if something happens? Over here there's always someone around. Over there, there's just them two. What if he breaks up with her again and she gets suicidal again? Then who is gonna be there to stop her? :sad:
    And beside that I'm scared to death over something else.

    Chrissy and I have a cat together, Madeleine. We got her from the animal shelter a bit over a year ago. she's 4 years old and we both love her to death. Madeleine is my EVERYTHING. she's my absolute number one. Maybe that's sick, but I'd choose her over EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Words can't even describe how much Mads means to me...
    What if Chrissy wants to take the cat along with her?
    I know myself, if she pushes me that she really wants the cat to move along with her, I will end up giving in. Besides I dont wanna fight my best mate over a cat. But Madeleine is my everything. she is what keeps me sane, she is the one I can cuddle anytime.
    I honestly wouldn't know what to do without Mads. And if Chrissy would indeed decide to move out, and also take Madeleine with her, I'd lose two best friends at the same time.
    I know I wouldn't really "lose" them, but still.. I don't see Chrissy much lately anyway and you could say we're growing apart, but when she'd move in with her boyfriend we (other housemates and I) wouldn't see her anymore at all. she's all wrapped up in her lovey-dovey pink cloud with her boyfriend on a pedestal. If she's happy like that, I'm happy for her, I really am because she deserves the happiness, but...
    I've been here before. we were very close, she met her boyfriend, and I didn't see her anymore at all, and IF then WITH her boyfriend.. He dumped her, and I was there to catch her falling. We got close again, now she's back together with her boyfriend and I don't see her much anymore either. I hate myself for this, cos I know she doesn't see me that way, I KNOW that, but sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm only good to catch people falling, to be a shoulder to cry on...

    I couldn't handle it if Madeleine would also go away. When I get home from therapy I cuddle her, when I can't sleep at night I go downstairs and cuddle her, when I'm at the verge of a breakdown I go cuddle her. she calms me down, she makes me smile. Words can't even describe what she means to me...

    I'm so scared :cry:
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I can understand why your scared and i would be too :sad: but all you can do is try to be there for her, try and get her the help she needs. If she needs someone to talk to thats doesn't really know her (sometimes that can help) then i'm offering. :hug:
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks Vikki, I'm sure she can appreciate that :hug:

    As for the Madeleine-thingy. That is resolved. Today we talked again, and it's looking more and more like she is indeed gonna move in together with her boyfriend.. so I brought the cat thing up, saying that that was something that was really bothering me, and she immediately was like "no worries, the cat will stay here, this is her home, and it's not like I won't visit here anymore. Besides if ****** and I get really serious and all we will most likely get dogs, so that ain't a good combination then".
    so pfeeeewww! :biggrin:


    Oh and apparently according to house mate S., Chrissy, I and another house mate are ****s. We're ****s for talking to him about his behaviour regarding his chores. (He never does them and when we all decided that if someone doesn't do their chores for 3 times, we'll tell the landlord, and he apparently thinks we're ****s for coming with that 'solution' as well :dry: )

    I almost yelled at him something along the lines of "thank god we're ****s, if women wouldn't have a **** you'd be even more of a fucking arse, out of frustration" . I didn't though. I just let it all slide. Couldn't be arsed to get involved, but I guess that's to do with the Ritalin.

    Anyway my mate and him had a conversation.. or more like a yell-at-each-other-conversation, which was something along these lines:
    (mind you this was after they'd already started yelling at each other and my mate was really really angry..

    he: "yeah go ahead and cry"
    she: "excuse me!!?? What did you say? You go and do your chores!"
    he: "go and cry"
    she: "go and do your fucking chores!"
    he: "****"
    she: "get off your lazy ass for once and just do your chores instead of fucking girls!"
    he: "****, stupid ****s"

    yeah it was a very nice conversation. Thank god I'm a bit drugged up on medication. I'm angry about it yes, but not as angry as I would've been if I hadn't been on my medication. God knows what would've happened then :dry:
  4. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Estface, MSN me if you need tooooo. :hug:
  5. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Glad mads stays with you, I know how it is, my dog always makes me smile when Im done, dont know what to do without him either. You can always talk to me :hug:
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Jess and Blubs :smile: thank you both :arms:
  7. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Est - I may be over the other side of the world but I'm always here if you need anything!
  8. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: You've got my MSN hun - have a rant at me if ya need to :)
  9. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you get to keep your kitty, Est! :hug: I love my baby, I don't know what i would do without him.

    I'm sorry about your friend, sweety...I knew a girl like that once, you guys are tight but when a guy enters the picture you maybe hangout alone (ie. without him) once a month. I would hate to think of you suffering in silence, so if it really starts to hurt you, you might want to talk to her about it.

    I'm so sorry you had to walk in on your friend in that situation...you must be so scared about what could happen. Unfortunately, all you can do is try to trust your friend, while paying attention to her moods.

    PM me if you need anything :hug::hug::hug: xox
  10. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Joe, Shauns, Patch :hug:

    Thanks all for your kindness :smile: