im scared

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dying_inside, Jul 2, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    im hurting so much and im so alone.

    im so scared of looking inside of myself, admitting stuff, identifying and feeling my feelings...

    im just hurting so much. and so scared to face myself, the truth...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I truly understand how that can be so frightening...I think it is very brave for anyone to take an honest look at who s/he is and what s/he feels and thinks...maybe from this frightening place can come some understanding...I also know how important it is to look at one's self through the eyes of compassion...I have always found this very difficult as I am very critical of what I do...J
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I know that fear and that sadness sending you lots of hugs okay:hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I can relate to that feeling hun. It takes a lot of bravery to look inside and figure out how we really feel and for that you are so much braver and have more courage than I ever will. If you ever need a chat, please feel free to pm or post on here. Sometimes keeping a diary in the let it all out section helps as it allows you to get out what you are feeling at the time. Just a thought hunni. Sending lots of hugs, keep safe and take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  5. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Sorry to see you feeling like this...

    Just wondering - have you told your doc or therapist about what you are looking at inside yourself now? Maybe looking together with a good therapist can be helpful and not so scary…

    You know you are brave…you don’t even fear death…the mind can make it scary facing yourself or the truth…what they really are is nothing to be scared of…don’t let the mind trick you…

    I hope you get the help you need and you know you have what it takes to make it through. You can have your freedom by defeating/going beyond the tricky mind…or you can set yourself free by seeing/knowing the truth as the truth...

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
     
  6. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    i have been avoiding looking inside myself, it scares me too much... but meanwhile im doing scary things as well.

    today i've seen my abuser. it has been a bit triggering and ended badly.

    tomorrow i'll meet up with my pregnant friend, i've been avoiding here for more than a month because her pregnancy reminds me what a failure i am, how lonely i am, how hopeless i am... seeing her scares me too.

    on wednesday i'll have a job interview, my first one and it is scary as well...

    on thursday i'll see my T and i feel i should go in there bringing my deep feelings and thoughts but im still too scared to look inside myself. too busy worrying about surviving.

    maybe this is living... i wish it was easier, less scary and with something good too, along with the bad. why nothing good ever happens to me? why living is such a continuous fight?
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    On the one hand, I feel you have the awareness of what is going on inside you; on the other hand, you still allow the mind to trick you. You know you have the power not to let the mind scare you with tricky thoughts…

    Re the abuser - just to remind you that forgiving the past is for your own well-being. If it’s very difficult to let go, do it with your therapist’s help…you know you have what it takes to do it - to let go… (I recommend a book called “Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin. It’s a very useful book to help people let go of things and be set free. I feel you may find it helpful. There are sections entitled “The Secret of Letting Go of Fear and Axiety” and “Escaping the Tyranny of Guilt and Shame”. Here is a link with some info. You may be able to download the book for free, but I‘m not sure how the free download works: http://www.scribd.com/doc/1475201/Download-the-Sedona-Method-Hale-Dwoskin-Free)

    The success in life is not necessarily dependent on the life situations. You are not a failure for the life situation you are in now. Again, this is how the mind tricks us. As you may know, some people seem to have everything in their life situations but still feel miserable…

    About your job interview, I encourage you to meet with the interviewer as equal - as you ARE. Get the scary idea or thought out of your mind or ignore or go beyond it. Nothing scary would happen as you cannot lose what you have not got - so you have nothing to lose but only the possibility to gain - to get the job…

    About the fear to look inside yourself, I can guarantee you that when you face the fear, you will see that you are way more powerful than the fear…

    Living itself is not scary, but the mind can trick us into believing that it is scary. Good things can happen to you when you accept and love yourself unconditionally instead of fear…

    I’m not saying these things because you need to hear them but because they are true…

    You know you do have what it takes to face the fear and embrace the reality!
     
  8. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you LoveBeing.

    yes, i am aware of what is going on inside of myself, but until i dont write it down it doesnt feel real and it allows me not to fall apart. so... im still avoiding it.

    about the abuser, i have already forgiven him and im over it now. but yesterday he got mad at me because i didnt let him touch me. i didnt want to make him mad but if there is something i've learned from 10 years of abuse it is to say no and so i used it. now he doesnt want to hear from me again and even though it is ok for a part of me, for another part im sorry about it. i loved him like a father, in spite of all the damage he has done to me.

    i loved how you explained about the life situations, but i cant help feeling a failure because i dont really have friends, practically never got a boyfriend, never had sex, dont have a job, have given up studying and dont have hobbies and passions for anything. only a stupid wish to create a family that will never come true. and seeing my friend having all this makes me feel horribly.

    about the job interview, yes, i have nothng to lose. i'll try to remember it, but talking and talking with strangers is still hard and scary for me.

    Accepting and loving myself unconditionally... im not sure what i feel about myself anymore. it used to be hate... now i just feel so completely numb... from where should i start?
     
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You have such a soft heart - you “didn’t want to make him mad”… hon, “all the damage he has done to you” is far more than how you make him feel. You need to take care of yourself first before you can really love others. Allowing others to abuse you is not love. He needs to learn how to respect you and your feelings so that he would respect other girls instead of abusing them like what he did to you when he gets a chance. So please do not feel sorry about the “no” you said to him - you were helping him in a way and you are helping yourself and other girls in another way. I’m proud of you for saying “no” to him…

    Whatever happened in the past was beyond your control (even when it appeared that you might have had choices). Do not feel ashamed. Do not fear that you would fall apart - fear is when the mind is working against you by tricking you into believing something that is not real…

    It’s not a stupid wish to create a family, but it may be wise that you focus on healing yourself first. You can have all those experiences that you have not had in life. You need to start to believe (because it is true) that you are as worthy as anyone else with a very loving heart. Instead of feeling horrible while seeing your friend, be open to what she has and get well…as you can have what she has, too. Just do what you can and/or what needs to be done at this moment…

    I understand how you feel about talking with strangers. “Strangers” are also human beings like you and me. It’s funny in a way that we may fear talking to other human beings when we may not even fear death. Don’t you see? Again, fear is based on unreal thoughts when the mind is working against us...

    You asked “from where should I start?” Good question. How about start from allowing yourself to just be...be a good friend to yourself...not sorry for saying "no" to the abuser?

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
     
  10. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    The meeting with my friend went pretty well, i didnt feel much of anything and pretended everything was normal and i had no problems with seeing her. i was happy when it was time to leave though.

    This morning the job interview went pretty well too. they said they'll let me know after mid august.

    LoveBeing, thank you for making me feel better about the "no" i said to my abuser. i knew it was the right thing, but it made me feel mean.

    i think i have started to feel i can have and want to have a boyfriend and a family one day, like anyone else.. but it only makes it harder to accept that there are no chances for it to happen to me. and it hurts.
     
  11. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    I’m glad that the meetings went well. They are proofs that the actual reality is easier (not really scary) than what your mind has been telling you…

    The “no” you said to the abuser did not really make you feel mean. It’s the interpretation your mind had that distorted the reality and made you feel that way. It’s not your fault that the mind is working this way as your mind has been conditioned in a certain way by your surroundings/experiences since you were very young. You can break the thinking pattern of the mind that does not work for you. Now you can be aware of this and observe your mind. Your own well-being is the priority, especially in this case - there is no question about it…

    We do not know the future, but the right one for you is out there somewhere. You have such a soft loving heart. The chances are definitely there. Keep your heart open. Know that you are worthy. Smile at life. Life will smile back at you…

    Do what you can at this moment. Be okay with the reality of your inside and outside. Be a good friend to yourself always. Remember you have whatever it takes to live a life your heart desires…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug::pinkrose:
     
  12. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    "Keep your heart open. Know that you are worthy. Smile at life. Life will smile back at you"

    "Remember you have whatever it takes to live a life your heart desires"

    Dear LoveBeing, Thank you for your answer and for these words. i've read similar sentences and been told similar things during these years but i've never really listened to them or believed them. Now i dont know why but your words have struck me and im starting to believe them, feel they are true and think i should give them a chance.

    i've been putting off writing here today because i was scared of what and how much it could have made me feel my feelings.

    today my parents have found out i've been hiding pills. i've broken their trust again and im sorry for that, but i need to have a way to OD. it makes me feel better knowing that if i want i can end it all.

    my mom has tried talking with me, asking me how i am, what i feel, whats wrong... but i didnt know what to answer. i honestly didnt know what to say.

    thats what i think i should know and admit even to myself but im too afraid to look inside myself. i feel that being ready to OD explains it all, explains what is inside of myself but i cant find words to explain.
     
  13. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Thanks for telling me that the words have struck you - it is a sign that you may be ready to actually act on these words to respond to the truth of life/reality…

    You can get over the fear and have the courage to feel your feelings. When you allow yourself to feel your feelings, you will be able to see that there is really nothing to be scared of. It’s really nothing comparing to your thought of OD. It’s like reversed psychology about reality. Whatever you are scared of can be healed while OD may have a “final” result…

    You know that your mom loves you. If you love her and trust her, you can answer her just the way you feel, including your fear. However, if you simply don’t know what to say, be okay with that, too. There is no such thing that you should know something when you really do not know.

    I do encourage you to look inside yourself as it’s almost certain that there is really nothing to be scared of when you see things as they really are. Being ready to OD does not really explain that you should be scared of what is inside you but shows that the mind tricks you into believing that you should be scared of what is inside you...

    I’m here if you would like me to explore together with you what is really going on. PM me if you feel more comfortable that way…

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
     
  14. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much LoveBeing for keeping talking to me. You make me feel you really get what im saying and know how to answer. Your words are so wise and have such insight.

    I've seen my T today and i've told him i have the feeling that im not able to identify and say what i have inside, that i feel i need to do it but im afraid and i cant. i've told him i've the feeling that i keep beating about the bush without ever really getting there, even if i dont know what that "there" actually is. i've told him that i feel something is missing during our sessions but cant tell exactly what.
    and for the first time in over 4 years that i've been seeing him i got out of there feeling he didnt really get what i was trying to say.

    i'd say that my negative feelings are what im looking for... i've never cried, never expressed anger, and when i did talk about a negative feeling it was in a completely detached way, as if it was not mine. and actually i've done quite the same for the positive feelings too.

    what do you think? any idea of what i feel is missing?
    Thank you for being there.
    Hugs
     
  15. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are welcome…thanks for your openness...

    To answer your question, I’m not really sure, but from the limited info you’ve provided here, this is what I see:

    Your thoughts about what has been going on between you and the abuser may have made you feel unworthy, guilty or ashamed…especially when it comes to a relationship for having a family. Your mind may have made you believe and fear that your “future husband” would not accept you or feel that you are unworthy once he found out about your experiences with the abuser…

    Your feelings towards the abuser may be still mixed. The abuser was able to influence your thinking since you were only 10 years old. He was able to make you believe and feel in a certain way. He might even have made you feel a kind of love. You mentioned that you loved him like a father. Apparently that’s not what he has desired from you. The fact is that his behaviour towards you has caused you lots of internal conflicts and might have been an important factor that you have not had a boyfriend or sex. In a way, your experiences with the abuser may have become a mental block and cut you off with your actual daily life and feelings…

    To make it clear, your thoughts about your experiences with the abuser are likely still distorted and your feelings are your body’s response to your thoughts. Therefore your unworthy, guilty and shameful feelings are out of those distorted/untrue thoughts. The truth is that you are innocent no matter what happened in the past. You have a beautiful gentle heart. You are a warm loving woman. You are worthy. You just need to see and feel your innocence and know that you deserve a family. When you truly get in touch with yourself and feel your unconditional acceptance and love towards yourself, a real man will be able to feel what you feel and fall in love with you together…

    I encourage you to be firm with the “no” to the abuser - which may be the key to your well-being… You can let go and forgive...free yourself from the past...

    Just my limited observation. I could be totally wrong...

    With my kind wishes for you to be healed completely with your T’s help…

    and more hugs
     
  16. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Wow.. thank you so much LoveBeing.

    it is true that i think i am unworthy, that my feelings for my abuser are still mixed and that my experience with him is a mental block that has kept me from living for a lot of time.

    but i dont think my experience with my abuser has all the blame. actually i think im over it and its not affecting me anymore. maybe im wrong but i feel i have all the blame for the way i am living now. for the trap i have built around myself.

    and i feel i am stuck in a world without feelings that makes me feel im already dead inside. i THINK my feelings, very rarely FEEL them. maybe thats what i feel is missing, what i need: feeling my feelings. but it scares me because im afraid they'll come all at once overwhelming me.

    but there is also a part of me that does want to be overwhlmed so that i can act on impulse and end it all. because living costs so much energy and effort which most of the time seems worthless to me.

    Thank you for listening again,
    hugs
     
  17. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Maybe your experience with the abuser does not have all the blame, but if you are really over it, you would not feel bad or mean when you said “no” to him the other day…

    Also, the way you are living now may still have a lot to do with the thinking pattern which has been formed under the influence of the experience and the abuser. Have you thought about why you have built the trap around yourself? Is it possible that it may have something to do with your mixed feelings with the abuser and subconsciously you sabotage yourself?

    You are an intelligent woman. You are aware that you “think” your feelings and that you need to feel your feelings. There is nothing scary in feeling your feelings. Only your mind can make it feel overwhelming. You can go beyond the mind. You are the boss of the mind...

    When you can break the thinking pattern that has blocked you from your feelings (truly living), you may find life energy itself flow with ease and find living enjoyable again (like before you were 10 years old). See if you can quiet your mind and be in touch with your feelings. Some meditation may be helpful. There are lots of guided meditation available on youtube. Here is one you may check it out:

    http://www.youtube.com/user/OnlineMeditation#p/u/3/_BHPi4p2FpA

    I was just reading this below from an article at http://areason.org which link someone else posted on this forum somewhere. The article was written by someone you can relate to:

    Wish you well…and hugs
     
  18. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you LoveBeing, you gave me a lot to think about. im still not ready to try, but i will. right now i need a pause.
    hope you'll still be here when i'll come back.
    Thank you,
    hugs
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.