I'm screaming...but no one hears me.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HarleyTwin, Jul 28, 2013.

  1. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    I'm so lost right now. On so many different things.

    My personal life has just hit to the lowest fucking point.

    My partner, and best friend of almost 2 decades, is an addict. He got clean 5 years ago and has since relapsed recently. On top of this - my friends seem to not understand how fucking hurt I am, how scared I am that he's on the road to self-destruction to the point he's going to die. I've burst into tears and it feels like they just brush over it, or feel like I shouldn't care. I can't talk to strangers or people I don't trust 100% because the situation is so complicated and complex that it can put people in danger, including myself.

    I feel like I have nothing right now. My family doesn't understand - including the one family member who is an addict himself. My partner is *not* a normal addict. It's not a normal situation and I just feel like no one GETS that. And I can't even explain why no one gets it, because of the complicated safety issue.

    My very few friends who DO know of the situation, don't seem to care how I'm feeling, and that hurts most of all. I feel like they expect me to stop whining, when they're really the only ones I have - and yet they apparently don't want to be.

    I'm fed up at this point. Well and truly. I feel like I have no choice but to sit here and watch him die and I can't even express how much that makes me want to join him...
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hey Harleytwin..You are being heard on here at least, at least I can say I understand you because my boyfriend is an addict aswell and like you its not in a normal way. When people here the word addict, they think...violence,needles and whatever else but its not like that for me either, my boyfriend is well respected and works hard, only I know of his addiction. So what I'd just like to say is you are definitely not alone and you know where I am shall you need someone to talk to. In your case he was clean for 5 years, that's amazing, I believe if he cut the habit for that long in the past, he has the strength to do so again. Good luck :hug:
  3. HarleyTwin

    HarleyTwin Staff Alumni

    I'm trying to hold onto that hope, still. It's just hard when I can't talk to him about it. Even hinting that I know is a taboo subject worse than coming out of the closet to a Westboro parent. Even my one cousin couldn't understand that - but he's very open with his addictions (which sadly, he can be like the typical type most think off) so he didn't really get it either...

    I feel stifled, you know? Can't talk to him, can't talk to family, can't even talk to some of my closest friends. It's so damn frustrating and frightening. I picture myself in this huge dark room with no doors or windows, but no ceiling either. I'm looking up and screaming, but they're all giants and I'm not being heard at all. Like a flea in a matchbox.

    I hope I'm wrong, and I hope it's just a horrible horrible mistake - but I've suspected it for a while, and now it's just been confirmed recently - and it really scares me. I want to help, I want to fix it, but I can't and just have to sit back and watch without saying anything. He's running out of options and people, and I feel like I have neither all together. I'm terrified, that as much as a ride or die I've always been to him...it's not enough this time. I almost lost him the last time - permanently. I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to face that for the final time.