I'm screwed for eternity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aimlessdrifter, Jun 20, 2012.

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  1. aimlessdrifter

    aimlessdrifter Well-Known Member

    Hello, I'm from India.I'm a 23 year old female.I graduated in 2010.I have never had a job.I'm very shy and timid.I've always been like this right since my childhood.I've been bullied a lot in school and college.People used to target me because of my timid nature.I was an average student.I did not used to concentrate in class.I tried to pay attention but I couldn't.I managed to get through school and college by mugging up answers(even math). My father wanted me to pursue Information Technology.I never had a career plan. I was very naive back then. I was not guided properly career wise.So I went according to my fathers plan. During those four years of college I discovered that I was not capable of studying engineering.I did not work hard because I was not at all interested and I did not understand anything in college.However I managed to get a degree by getting pass marks.After graduation I wanted to take one year break.I did not attend any interviews because I had no real knowledge.I was scared of facing interviews because I had no real skills and that is the truth.I have a degree but it is useless.I knew I will not get selected so I saved myself from the embarrassment.During the one year break I tried very hard to know what I was interested in.I wanted to know my passion.I did a lot of soul searching but I did not find any solution.I don't have any talent, interests.I'm good at nothing.I'm a loser.I have low self esteem, no self confidence.I have no communication skills.My English is not good.After the break I decided to try for a government job because I had no other option.I wrote a couple of bank exams.I failed in some.But I got qualified in one exam and called for interview.That was my first job interview.I dread interviews.They will ask questions like why are you choosing banking after B.tech.I don't know how to answer this because if I tell the truth they will not select me.Luckily in this interview they did not ask that question.I did quite well in the interview.They asked questions mostly about their organization.I prayed to God a lot to get selected because I was sick and tired of writing exams and I did not want to go through the process of interviews again. The result came yesterday.I did not get
    selected:wallbash: I was really very hopeful of getting selected:sad: I have no plan B. I'm feeling very devastated right now.My mind and heart is dead.I really don't know what to do.Time is ticking so fast.Two years have passed and I'm still stuck in a rut.I have no motivation left in me.I have no hope now.No one will hire me because of the 2 year gap and there are other reasons too.I'm an embarrassment to my parents.I wish I was never born.I'm very incompetent.I'm scared of people.I live in fear.I'm stupid.I'm pea brained.My life is a waste.I'm a piece of shit.My parents want me to search for jobs related to IT.I tried very hard to make them understand that I got a degree by mugging up answers but they are unable to understand.They are saying that I'm lazy but it is not the truth.I have many personality issues.I don't want to deal with people.I have all the symptoms of avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, GAD.When I tell my father about this he says that I'm trying to escape from my problems.He's not understanding my problem.I don't want to blame anyone for my problems.I loathe my existence.I feel very bad for my parents.I so wish I had the guts to end my life.I can't live, can't die.I'm creating problems for my parents.I wish death comes to me soon.I feel so stupid.I can't even express my feelings properly.I'm very complicated.I hate myself.Suicide seems like the only best option.
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am a parent.
    You are not creating problems for your parents. They love you more than you will ever know and probably more than they can ever show. It's difficult to show sometimes how much our kids mean to us.
    Hang tough. Suicide is NEVER NEVER EVER the solution or the answer.
  3. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    How about just find a temp work you find relaxing , selling clothes , working a in factory , or just go do some volunteer jobs .
    It is not about money and future , it is about getting into the ritme of things .

    Honestly your post is very well stated , so that means your mind is not dumb , neither is your insight into things .
    23 -25 are the wild years , getting a wellpaid job doesn´t mean you will be garanteed to keep it .
    Sorry if you want to look gloom and doom , there is always a reason to look gloom and doom .
    Maybe just believe a bit in fate and luck , since you are not dumb person . average scores or cum laude don´t mean a thing .
    What means a lot is ability to overcome failure , accept rejections even if it cause a lot of pain and it hurts badly .
    2 years is nothing , trust me have 7 years no real work , but I can start tommorow if I wanted it .
    And I do not have a age advangetage unlike you .

    Just sometimes doing normal stuff or lower paid job , gets you back into the keeping up with the jones fast lane .
    Even if in India , it is considered below your class or society , doesn´t mean it is permanent , consider it a working holidays .
    Find enough jobs temporary , then decide to apply again for the big fish , explaining you needed some working and life experience .
    Before you wanted to really settle down .
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