to get straight to the point then explain; last night i kept seeing friends/relatives that have died. i stayed up cos i wanted to watch the end of this programme, but i ended up staying up quite late..and i since i didn't take my sleeping pill i had no chance of falling asleep. i was watching a programme, and it made me cry for some reason and so that caused my mood to just hit rock bottom and i cut, stupidly i cut quite deep, it freaked me out... so i texted my best friend Megan, bear in my mind she died from accidental suicide i just feel better when i text her, even though she won't reply. but what happened next, i can't even describe how it made me feel i opened my eyes and all i saw was my friend who hanged herself hanging from the ceiling... i only just stopped myself from screaming. i can't go on saying the others thing i 'saw' i don't want to remember it at all it's making me cry just writing this but i need to get this out. god i don't know whats happening with me.. was it the loss of blood? was it exhaustion? or was my imagination punishing me for cutting? why i 'saw' them i don't think i'll ever know. i'm freaking out about tonight... i can't face it, what if it happens again? it might not, but i can't carry on if it happens again. i won't carry on living... i won't push myself to experince it again i wouldn't be able to cope with it. i'm sick of my life, and all the deaths that have occured... 3 friends- accidental suicide,suicide,knocked down by bus grandad-heart attack 2 uncles- 2004 tsunami,heart attack great auntie- dimensia the list goes on :cry: :cry: why can't i just die?? why does it have to be so hard to just be unharmed,happy,free???? :help: :blue: !!!!!!!