i'm self destructing... and no one cares

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by TheGreatBelow, Dec 24, 2007.

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  1. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    so ive been living in my car for the past month. ive been homeless a few times before, so i igured id be fine. well im not. at this point ive completely given up on life. i have these horrible mood swings that i cant control... one minute i'm happy, the next im cutting myself and crying. i havent cut in 3 years! why is this happening again? i cant sleep anymore, all i can think about is suicide and hurting myself. the last week has been the worst. ive been spending all my money that i had saved up on pointless things. like this $300 cell phone... im going to be out of money soon. my parents hate me and think im a failure... and i agree. im just a worthless piece of shit... my friends tried to help me. i told them im going to kill myself. and im going to very soon. but last night i told them to go fuck themselves because i was really upset. now i have no one. no friends, no family. im going to be alone for xmas. im scared to be by myself... but it will all be better soon and no will give a shit that im gone
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get round to the closest friend, apologies. If you're living in your car I'm sure your friends will realise the horrendous pressure you are under at the mo.
    And I tell you what, I bet your parents don't hate you, how about giving them a call on that cell phone :hug:
     
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I agree with Terry. Contact your parents, even if it is to wish them a Merry Christmas. Life can be extremely difficult at times. What happened that has caused you to once again be homeless? I hope you are able to get yourself back on track soon. You deserve to be happier. :hug:
     
  4. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    im homeless again because about a month ago i just decided to quit my job, pack some things, and move across the country. i was just trying to get away from my problems and my depression... it didn't work out at all, so i just came back. my parents dont even want to talk to me, but thats ok, i never really had a relationship with my parents. so now that im very low on money and cant go back home or afford a place to live, im pretty screwed... i have no chance. and i know that i need help for these suicidal feelings i have, but i have a habit of pushing people that care about me away. these thoughts are so strong and i cant get away from them... just like the last two times i tried to kill myself... so im scared, but at the same time i welcome the thought of death... i dont know what to do anymore.....
     
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    It's a horrible thing to live with when you feel a failure to your parents. I have always tried to seek approval from them and it was a waste of time. I figured whatever I did was never going to be good enough for them because actually they had their own set of issues they needed help with, in fact I realised eventually that they are far from perfect. Lol. What matters now is me, and how I see myself and how I undersatnd myself. I bet you too have some very good, and positive sides to you and that behind the distress you are a lovely person, you just need to discover that still.
     
  6. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    thats what all my friends say about me... that im a great person that they love to be around. but they only know that side of me.. they dont know how i really am because im so good hiding it and faking being happy... they've finally got a look of the real me lately. some stopped calling me to hang outand some just got worried and tried to help. the thing is, i really hate when people try to help me. it gets me so pissed for some reason... one of my friends wanted me to spend christmas with her so i wouldnt have to be alone. she was just trying to help, and i basically laughed at the offer and said hurtful things... im so unstable right now and everything around me is crashing down. i know i need serious help, but i refuse to get it. instead, i tell the people who care about me to fuck off. something needs to change, because i refuse to start another year of this life. im just a fucking piece of shit. and time is quickly running out
     
  7. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Ouch it sounds like you are absolutely fed up with life. I have often found it difficult to ask for help too and it's hard to try and be happy when the truth is your sad and hurt inside. My lover visited me today to make things better, but I pushed him away told him to go. It's bloody hard to get close to anyone when you are feeling all sorts of emotions at the same time. You want help, yet we push away the one's we love and care about. I think for me it's that fear of rejection.
     
  8. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    i didnt think things could get worse, but they did. i was sitting in my car on christmas when a cop pulled up. he said i was doing drugs in my car and he wanted to seach it. i said sure because i dont do drugs and have nothing to hide. whenever i deal with cops, i get nervous and stutter a bit. he said i was stuttering because i was on drugs. he called an ambulance to check me out. meanwhile two other cop cars pulled up and were going through my car. the ambulance showed up and theywere looking for track marks on my arms. they saw the cuts on my wrists and i just started crying... they took me to the mental hospital and i told the doctors that i was completely fine. they let me go after being there for 7 hours. at first i was happy to be out. then i realized that i just fucked up my chance to get help... and now my family knows about everything. now they're acting weird.. and now everything feels so much worse. i shouldve stayed in the hospital and got help. but whats the point... i only have a few days left
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Please go back to the hospital and check yourself in. You haven't fucked up your chance and it's never too late.
     
  10. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    You should never tell a suicidal person to check themselves into a hospital.
    That is the worst place because they only put you in a room and watch you and if you are bipolar you can just get meds and get better without comitting yourself.
     
  11. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    call the United Way and they can help you get numbers of shelters and other services that can help you.

    I've been right where you are and I have gotton ahead a little. I'm nolonger living in my car and i'm starting a new job tomorrow.
    I am bipolar and not on any meds or seeing any counselors.
    I really wish I had a pill for when I freek out so I can just calm down and go to sleep. I just need to find the right people who understand.
     
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I disagree. People who are in imminent danger of harming themselves and know that they belong in a hospital should definitely go.
     
  13. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    There are other options is all I really ment by my comment.
    Of course if you have a gun to your head call 911 or someone else needs to but comitting yourself when you are having suicidal thoughts is a mistake.
    Talking to someone is the most important thing.
    I was going to post about my suicidal feelings when I saw this thread and I relate so much to what she is going through.
    Talking to anyone will help.

    No one belongs in a hospital.
     
  14. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    I'm so sorry things did'nt work for you but you can start again.
    I did the exact same thing. I'm still starting over after two years in a new state.
     
  15. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    livingonlight, i understand where you're coming from... i know i need help, buut i refuse to seek it. and there's no point. im going to be dead new years day. im not goiing to live another year like this. fuck that. and yes i think im depressed and possible bipolar... because of my horrible mood swings. im at the end of my life and i just want to say im sorry to all the people that care about me. im sorry i hurt you, but i dont care anymore. i love my friends but i want to die. so fuck you all haha. there is nothing you can do about it so fuck off. yea, be mad at me, hate me...it will only make it easier... i dont care anymore. haha spit on me at the viewing and the funeral... it would make me feel better... just dont care about me, it will be easier for all of us... i am truly sorry, but this is how it has to be. dont forget me... everything will be alright eventually, and the world will be better. im finally at peace with my decision :)
     
  16. livingonlight

    livingonlight Active Member

    there is someone who is near you that can help you get through this, a church is a good place to go or shelters, the salvation army.
    I was way too proud to seek the help I needed on many ocasions:)
    I'm glad you are still online i needed to hear from you too!
    Thanks
     
  17. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    no problem... ill be on here for the next few days... i donnt want to seek out help, thats not what i do... i accept that its too late for me. im going to kill myself in a few days and i dont have much hope haha... sorry everyone, but im pretty much dead aready
     
  18. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    well it seems everything is against me... i woke up with strep throat today... and no money for a doctor. great. i cant even swallow food
     
  19. TheGreatBelow

    TheGreatBelow Active Member

    sooo.... im still alive despite a failed attempt... i am doing better i guess... but my emotions are up and down... they go from being extremely happy to planning my death... i dont know whick feeling i want yet, but everyone tells me i should be happy. they seem to want me to act like everything is ok.. what do they know? i am lost right now. i actually want help now... which is weird.. how do i stay happy? how do i keep my suicidal thoughts away? but those thoughts give me peace.. i feel so calm when im planning my death. it feels like a safe place and it makes me happy.. its the happiest ive been lateely. death makes me feel commfortable.. i cant explain it, but it is a euphoric feeling.. what do you all think? i need someone to talkk to me.........
     
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