I'm shattered I keep thinking of suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ace, Nov 12, 2006.

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  1. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I cant help it I keep thinking of ending my life:sad: ,I've been feeling like this for so long and recently I've just under gone ECT it has helped my moods dramatically but still I'm pondering ending it all and I'm trying to force myself to break down and I just cant.I don't seem to have the motivation to get on and want to do the simple thing's in life and cant bare this struggle anymore.
    I feel I'm so screwed look at me I'm 31 years of age suffer from Bi Polar severe Major depression,severe Ocd and Bdd I'm a pure nervous wreck.I can't let go of wanting to die all I think about are the bad things that happened in my life and especially the rotten year I've had that's led to me feeling like this.I'm a total wreck and don't have virtually any fight left,I have no optimism for the future also.:sad:
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    Im so sorry for everything that you're going through. Sounds like you've got a lot to deal with at the moment.. are you receiving psychoterhapy/counselling since your ECT? Is it helping? Does the counsellor/doctor know how difficult you are finding things? I wonder if it might help?

    I wish i could say something that would take your pain away or give you hope.. but i can only offer a supportive shoulder and a listening ear (or a reading eye?).. if it helps at all to know that you're not alone, then you have come to the right place.

    Please keep talking if it helps.. i'm thinking of you and here if you need me
    Jenny xx
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi Jen and thank's for replying to me:smile: ,since my ECT I haven't received any psychotherapy or counselling as yet.I still have to see my Psychiatrist in which I have an appointment set up,somehow when I think of suicide I get this strange feeling of comfort because I will have my pain taken away.I can't stand going on like this anymore,I told a couple of my friends I was in hospital and neither of them asked how I was going:sad: :mad: .
    I really don't know what to do anymore despite the ECT lifting my mood dramatically,I still have the strong urge to end it all as I just cant bare to go on anymore.:sad:
  4. Pitt Bull

    Pitt Bull Member

    I understand what you are going through. Everyday I think about trying to kill myself but fortunatly I think of my family and do not try it. It is exhausting to think about suicide everyday. I wake every morning wishing I was dead. I can see the good in my life but that does not matter I still live in a emotional world. ECT has not been offered to me yet but it has been discussed in therapy. I feel for you and hope you can find the good in your life to keep on fighting the urge to die.:cool:
  5. What is ECT?

    Suicide ideation really saps your motivation. I *know* it's hard but try to do something you enjoy doing.
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    ECT is short for Electoconvulsive therapy also known as Shock therapy or shock treatment,it is used especially for severe cases of depression when medication hasnt been able to lift the depression.ECT is used as it sought of gives the brain a seizure and knock your brain into place,where as the lengthy time of medication is very often a consuming wait especially when the depression is at a severe point.
    Somehow I get the feeling of suicide and it gives me a strange sense of comfort as I can leave this strenuous and hell of a world.I'm tired of feeling like this and nowadays especially it's just the feeling of what's the point anymore?I do think of family and friends but I can't handle this pain anymore even though the ECT has helped my moods.
    I'm constantly mulling over the same things as my Ocd is so strong,why do we have to go through this hell?Just last night again I was thinking imagine leaping over the biggest bridge in town and the feeling of going down,it's sad to say but I had a strange sense of delight at seeing myself escaping this hell.
  7. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    suicidal thinking is a lot like OCD, it's a cumpulsive thought. You are convinced that suicide will "end your torment" but we don't know what happens when we die. You believe it will give you peace and you continue to obsess about it. This only makes sense.. your mind wants to find a way out of the agonly, you believe death will do it, so you are continually thinking about it.

    Keep in mind suicide is not a solution, it is an end before a solution can be found. It can't be considered an option because an option means we have a choice and death robs us of both option and choice. Death is also an irreversible act that does not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind.

    Now, if you could belive in something else that can help you, deleiver you from this agony thatn THAT would bring you peace and motivate you towards a future. But like me, a future is sometimes a very hard thing to believe in. Fortuanately, you don't have to run full circle. You just need a Plan of Action for right now. Something that can help you get through this crisis and feeling a bit better.

    When I say the word, "soothing" what is the first thing that pops into your head. Music, a warm bath, a walk outside.. whatever it is.. think of something soothing and fully experience it. If it's hot chocolate than be mindful of every taste, the cup it's in, the way it feels when you swallow it. Fully experience soothing. This will help detach you from the current crisis some and put you into a better state of mind to think about solutions. Next, think about what is the next step you need to take to feel better.. is it a med adjustment? (You mentioned you are going to see your psychiatrist soon). Is it therapy.. maybe you need to make an emergency appt. Is it a phone call to a friend? Maybe a movie, playing the piano, or reading a book.

    You need to keep yourself safe and stay alive to get through this. let go of the idea death is going to fix everything. thats all it is, an idea.. a belief. You have power over your ideas and beliefs. There is a lot of substantial data that tells us depression is cyclic. It comes on strong.. then passes, comes on strong.. then passes.

    Have you tried DBT calsses yet? Ask your Dr. about those, they're great.

    As long as you have life you have options and choices. Don't push yourself but do what you can and give yourself a pat on the back for all you HAVE accomplished. You have been through a long and hard journey but your still trying! That's great! Keep trying. Depression may have taken away your energy, your motivation, your hope.. but believe anyway. Because hope is there, you just can't see it with depresssion standing in the way. Focus on moving the depression out of the way, not on death. Ask for help, seek safety and support. You can do this!
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Thank's for your sweet reply Luliby:smile: ,I am struggling with the thought's of suicide and that they will fix everything:sad: .It's also a case of not wanting to go on and tackle the simple thing's in life i.e wake up in the morning and go to work,put petrol in the car,eat and look after myself.It's all become such a burden in a way and I feel like I don't want to worry about these thing's anymore.
    It seems like so much has changed I just keep thinking of how thing's used to be and how they wont be as they once were,and my best option is to bail out of this life and escape this wretched pain.I feel I'm so tired of this pain and so often think what's the point of going on with this existance?especially as I will encounter the same exhausting problems day by day.
    I did see my Psychiatrist and it went very well he was helpful as he's alway's been,but some how I'm struggling to grasp on to the reality of life and thing's as they're and just see the way of escaping this world as a better idea.I'm struggling to see much light into the future and as bad as my Ocd is I ruminate and obsess over the bad thing's that have happened and catastrophise over them.
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