I'm sick of all this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    So I'm a self harmer, have been for a while.
    Anyways I had a good friend, friends with him for yrs.
    He was messed up and all depressed, what you would call a "emo," thought life was awful even though nothing really bad had ever happened to him, he tried to make up he was this dark, depressing evil person with no soul and believed in Satan ect, embracing the role of a goth.

    He's started school I believe, and he's told either some people there, or some people on a social networking site about me, and they are all saying I'm a user ect.
    And a couple weeks later I asked him a question and he implied he was repulsed by something about me, so I asked what repulsed him about me.
    He said my mind was repulsive, and nothing was wrong with me and I was just wanting attention and I was not at all "mad" or "insane".
    This made me remember how he said that when girls get raped in the future it would be my fault, and when they are having abortions and killing themselves it was my fault because I did not report a guy making a pass at me. I refused to do anything about a 15 yr old lad who tried to get me to do things with him, so he said that when this boy grows up and rapes girls it'll be my fault because I could have stopped it.
    I was kicked out of my home by my mother and I've caused so many problems because I sided with this lad.(I'm back with her now) Now he's basically told me to f*ck off.
    He's told one of my friends on a site intimate details about me, sexual things about me. And he's done so before. He's still angry or upset or something because he accidentally hurt me and thinks hurting himself should prove how much he's cared about me.
    He's ruined so many things, he's said some nasty stuff to me. He's lied to me and made me feel as if he really cared about me then ditched me, saying he could never love somebody who caused him so much pain. He's spent about £200 on me in 1 day... it's not right in my opinion there is something very weird about it.
    I'm so angry with him and he's on this website I love and have many friends on. And I just want to hurt him because he's embarrassed me, and I believe he's saying things about my personal self to people on here.
    A girl told me to go onto her profile and into her inbox and I saw the messages he sent her, saying similar things and saying he could prove it because he has messages from me.
    I'm 14 yrs old I don't want these kind of things going to other people, I've learned from my mistake not to trust others with information that is personal, but now he's just told me to leave him alone and ignores me, but I'm so angry that he's getting away with all he's done.
    I don't know what I can do. He's betrayed me in every possible way, both his actions and mine have alienated my relationship with some of my family and it's only their understanding that has made me able to bring back the relationship to what it was. He's still got his family, nothing has changed for him.
    He has aspergers so I've always understood things would be difficult to understand and he would not understand the consquences.
    But the worst part of it all is because of a stupid thing he did which I told a teacher, it was reported as attempted rape and now it's on my file. So it could be used against me if anything happens to me in the future. So if I get sexually assaulted in the future, because of how messy the whole thing was it was deemed to be a misunderstanding, so to put it bluntly I took back what I said and refused to talk to them, so it's on my file I said something and then said it didn't happen. That's not the case at all!
    He never told his family what happened so they think either I'm a attention seeking weirdo, or my family are really over protective, he says he feels to embarrassed and ashamed. So he got out of it by portraying me as the bad person, he says his family blame him but I've got a feeling they blame me, he's gotten out of the worse of it because he refuses to tell them exactly what happened out of "shame" *rolls eyes*
    I'm so embarrassed and I'm upset that he's manipulating other people and making me seem like I'm a horrible nasty person. I made mistakes just like he did and I was very naive, but I'm so mad he's making it almost seem like it's all my fault and claiming he feels responsible. Even our teachers who knew him recognized he was a bit... manipulative
    I'm really struggling to get past it as I feel so betrayed and angry. Please don't call me foolish or anything like that, I already know all this.

    Sorry this is so long :/. I need advice, please? What should I do?
    I can't bear this anymore I feel so depressed after all this, I'm being portrayed as a slut and a user and I feel so much shame, I can barely look in a mirror without needing to look away. I can't self harm to stop these feelings because I'll be put into a psychiatric unit.
    Please somebody give me some advice.
    (by the way I've blocked him on all social networks)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun he is hurting you this way can you not go on the sites he is on and get all his posting deleted If you contact the site like facebook or twitter ect and tell them he is spreading vicious lies they will block him from their sites You are doing good to just block everything that he belongs to your phone everything hun don't respond to him If you can talk to someone you trust at the school a councilor a teacher someone hun that can help you ok hugs to you
  3. Drakenmark

    Drakenmark New Member

    Don't be embarrassed. He's got the problem, not you. You reached out to him and he threw it back at you: his issue, not yours. Just tell your family that you tried to see the best in him but they were right about him in the end. You're obviously a nice person who will do a lot of good, but this guy didn't want that. His loss.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Ellie. I'm sorry to hear about the things you've experienced.

    It seems that this emo guy is confused about things. I'm not sure what he means when he says your mind "repulses" him, but I can assure you that I don't think you have a repulsive mind. Quite the contrary...you seem caring and intelligent. Also, he is out of line in suggesting that you could ever be responsible for that other guy raping someone (or for abortions related to that, etc.)...We are responsible for our own actions. Period.

    Emo guy doesn't seem to respect your privacy and the information you have shared with him, as he is apparently telling others about you. If he is spreading outright lies about you, you could report him to the Admins of the website and see if they can reprimand and stop him. (Hard to say as I don't know the nature of that site or what he's saying and to whom. I know that here, staff would look into the situation for you.)

    I can certainly understand that you trusted him and now feel betrayed and manipulated...As hard as it is, maybe it's just time to cut your losses and move on. He doesn't sound as though he deserves you, to be honest. Almost everyone goes through caring about someone who then breaks their trust. It's part of learning about ourselves and what we want long-term in a partner. But at any stage of life, no one needs the negativity he brings to you. You are a smart young woman, realizing that you don't need his nonsense at your age. What you deserve is to be with a person who truly cares about you, not with someone who blames you for things, who tells your secrets, who lies about you, who says hurtful things about you.

    It's not easy just closing the door on broken friendships/relationships, and I don't mean to sound as if it is. I think maybe you'd be generally happier if you were to concentrate on the people who are good to you rather than on this emo guy who is hurting you so much. Once you have really put this behind you, you will meet more people and hopefully find a guy who is a lot better to you.

    Until you have reached the point that he's out of your system, I hope you'll keep posting.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there someone IRL who is an adult and knows the people better than we do, who can tell you who you can trust and discuss this with? Most people, when they do not get an angered reaction escalate the situation, but then it will pass. How old is he? If he is legal age, then he should be real careful...and is there a counselor you can talk to so that you can try to get all of this on track again...please realize, you are not doomed for life...I had many things said about me when I was younger, and now, they are just a faded memory...and as it has been said, he has real issues, so please stay far away from him...so glad you are on the right course...proud of you, and in no way are you being foolish nor are you seeking attention...this is a real problem, which you have expressed quite well
  6. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    Hi Ellie!
    It is not your fault sweetheart, it never is with men. This terrible thing happened to you, not your fault.
    Not your fault what actions they go on to commit, as you did your best. Go to the owner of the website and state your not sure, but believe nasty comments being said about you.
    Ignore these vile men, you are not. It is them who use you that are the disgusting people not yourself. As they used you, so don't feel bad they will have the guilt not you. As you didn't do anything.
    Take care
  7. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    Thank you all it means so much to me!

    I have my uncle who I can talk to about anything, my mum really doesn't like talking about it.
    The website is called VampireFreaks
    He knows where I live and he knows my school (I know neither about him as he refused to tell me where he lives and I don't know which school it is)
    I'm scared if I get him removed he may go to my school, or end up telling my friends IRL about me. However the way he is he probable would just get angry and leave me alone.
    He says I'm an attention seeker and that I repulse him because I seek attention, I think he means my problems are not good extreme enough to be considered anything other than "seeking attention"

    The worst thing is, when I lost my father (was murdered) I became so vulnerable and I felt as if there was nobody good in the world, and he seemed the only person who cared.
    So in the end we got together, and he slowly started to manipulate everything and get me to have sex with him. I still feel shame that I did the things he asked. I hold equal blame because I agreed and did what he asked.
    He is 14 now. We we're both 13 at the time.
    He completely ignores me now and my friend stuck up for me when she went into my inbox and saw the messages. He told me to leave him alone, and now he has told her to leave him alone.
    He's now "dating" another girl on the website.

    He complains that he struggled to deal with me and wrote "I spend 1 f*cking hour trying to sleep because of the stress at having to deal with YOU"
    I feel like saying "Imagine not eating and sleeping because of the stress you give me constantly, imagine what it's like to be sent to hospital over a suicide attempt which was triggered over you and your so called ""problems**, imagine what it's like to be thrown out, be called a slut and know if your family found out how much they would hate you"
    But that would be putting blame onto him, when it was my own fault. Even though I would love to send that to him I won't because I won't stoop to his level.
    After what he did to me I became very scared of men/boys. It took me a while to get over it.
    It's the humiliation I lost my virginity at 13 to a boy who never cared and now has ditched me. I feel as if I'll never get over the humiliation at how naive I was.
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Oh, Ellie, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your dad and to murder into the bargain. That would be extremely hard for most people. (Further information that this guy who has hurt you doesn't seem to have a clue about how real your pain is.)

    I'm glad you have your uncle to talk to. Have you raised these issues with him? He might have some consoling words and a new perspective for you.

    What I think is that you made a mistake, Ellie, but you did not commit a crime. I don't judge you or hold what happened against you. I'm sure the name calling from your family hurt, but I feel hopeful that they have or will forgive you. Maybe start by forgiving yourself. You were 14 and probably didn't have lots of experience with guys to base things on. After being hurt, it's normal to be less trusting. Actually, it helps us to go more slowly and make sure that people have earned our trust.

    This guy doesn't seem to have a lot of empathy or caring for other people in general and you in particular. I'm shocked that he would say you are just attention-seeking. Also, it sounds as if he manipulated you at a vulnerable point in your life - when you felt that there was nobody good in the world. And then he drops you after that? He is not good enough for you. You deserve so much better!

    Please, keep talking to us here, and maybe talk to your uncle. Is there a guidance department at school or a favorite teacher who might be understanding? Just remember that you are an individual, filled with spirit and life and ideas, and you are deserving of good things. :hug:
  9. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I have a teacher who I talk to about everything.
    I'm embarrassed talking to her about those things because when it got reported I had to talk to a female teacher and write everything that happened, and the other teacher saw it.
    He tried a sex act on me. I've never felt such physical pain before in my life.
    A few days later he stopped contact with me for a couple months.
    And he said all these stupid things like "I love you I'm sorry" and I got back with him, then this...
    *hugs* to everyone of you. It means so much you all are there.
    I tried to kill myself when I was 11 and 13 and I feel the same way because I feel used.
    But I know I can't leave my mother behind. So I'm making sure that I do something about it. I'm going to lose weight, study philosophy and Buddhism and work through my anxiety problems.
    I'm going to be a better person than he is, I'm going to live, not for him or for the memory of my father or mother. But for me,
    I don't feel that right now, but eventually I'll start to respect myself and I'll learn that I'm a better person than many others are.
    Thank you Acy
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