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I'm sick of this world!!!

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Hi, I'm new here and my first post is going to be a rant about this sh**hole of a world we are bound to live in.

I don't really know where to begin...
Maybe I'll tell you a bit about my biography so you understand where I'm at and where I'm coming from.

As a child I already had difficulties to find friends, I always got bullied and got in trouble and in the end I always had the to cart the guilt, even if it wasn't my fault. I got kicked out of two kindergartens and finally got to a school for "difficult children". By the age of eight I got into the foster care system. I've switched children homes 6 times until the system just spat me out with no life skills whatsoever when I was 18.

My mom, died from cancer 3 years ago, always had mental health issues, so she never was able to be a functioning, loving and caring mother. I have an older sister, and due to a backstory from before I was born, there was this ever ongoing conflict between the two of them. I was always in between and was forced to take either ones position.

Four years ago I finally got diagnosed with Asperger's autism. I wish I had this diagnose earlier. It would've saved me so much pain and misunderstanding by teachers and my family.

To make it short, nothing in my life is what would be considered as normal.

Now to the world:

Most people are living in fear of losing a job they hate and work their arse of for a piss of a salary and are barely able to pay their bills. At the same time they're slaves to big corporations and with the money they've earned as slaves they give it back to the exact same corporations for the sake of consumerism.
We're polluting the world, species are dying, children are starving and so on and so forth.
And if you confront the avarege Joe with these issues, they just shutdown or get aggressive, because it's too challenging to think for themselves and to admit that they're living a lie.

Then there's this political correctness bullsh** going on and everyone feels offended by nothing and white people got to decide what's racist against blacks.

I could go on forever...

So here I am now, with severe depression and daily suicidal thoughts...
It's not that I don't want to live, I just don't want to live in this digital zombie world, where noone cares about anything unless they get attention for doing so.
I'm sick of this world and I don't know how long I can go on.
If I had a safe method, I probably would've done it already. I'm just scared to fail and end up disabled. I don't see any hope in humanity anymore.
I'm fed up to keep telling myself that its gonna get better, while everything around me is only getting worse and people become more and more selfish.

Rant over
There's certainly a lot wrong with the world, I don't doubt that. On the other hand, things could be worse, just because they could always be worse.

So let's say things were a billion times worse than they are now, so people were expecting things to be that bad. If things then got a billion times better, and they were back to where they are now, people would be jumping for joy. So as far as the world goes, without denying that the world is fucked, my perspective is that we should try to make things better, but take nothing for granted, and try to be grateful that the world isn't more fucked than it could be.

I don't want to try to sling that attitude of gratitude stuff at someone whose been through some heavy trauma though, which obviously you have been. I'm sorry that you went through that.

Is your sister your only living relative? Do you have any connection to her?
@may71 I just don't feel like I belong into this world, hence my username... It's so against what I feel is right. And as I wrote, I could go on forever, but I don't really have the energy to write such a long post.
No, I don't have contact to my sister, I don't want to, because she's a selfish control freak and always judges my own decisions. She's the only relative that are kinda close. I got more relatives out there that I've never met, due to family conflicts.
Maybe being here, talking to other folks would help is some way.

There's other folks here who have been through some heavy stuff. At least a few seem to have been able to get a point where they don't want to die anymore, but obviously the worse you've been through, the harder it is to find something in life that you can salvage. I hope there's a way you can get through this.
@may71 thanks you! Yes, it's not easy to see the good when you're stuck in your depressive tunnel vision. The problem is, the depressive periods are getting longer and more frequently with the time. I still got the music wich gives me drive, but on some days I don't even enjoy playing anymore. Everything seems so blunt and pointless.
You're welcome!

I don't know if you write songs with lyrics, but I think writing songs about painful things is one way creative musical people can help deal with pain.


1 Peter 5:7
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Hey @RenegadeMisfit Sometimes I feel sick of this world myself. I can't stand how people treat each other. People don't take the time to get to know one another. I'm glad you found SF. There's some great people here who are understanding and want to listen. Feel free to join us in the chat room or share your thoughts in the forum. You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you, and we're glad to have you here.
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