I'm sick of this...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bluekangaroo, Jul 16, 2007.

  1. bluekangaroo

    bluekangaroo Active Member

    GUH. My dad. I know I love him, and I know I don't hate him. But sometimes...*sigh*
    Okay, so I'm no where near thin. But I have a "healthy" BMI. It's 20.4, where 19-24 is healthy. So I'm not obese. But this evening for dinner we had baked potatoes, and I brought out some cheese to put on it, because it can be quite tasty. My brother had cheese on his without any remarks from my dad. So I take it out, and my dad just gives me the nastiest look like "oh my gosh, you're going to EAT that, FATTY?!" and this is totally not the first time he's done this. It's like he can't stand to see me eat. I cannot eat in front of him. And i don't know why it bothers me so much, but it just ticks me off. And it seems like he's always criticizing me. He'll just say stuff that makes me feel like such a failure. And I don't know if he does it on purpose. But I can't help but notice that he doesn't do it with any of the other kids (I have three siblings). And it's not like it's just because I'm the oldest or whatever, i'm the middle child.
    plus, i've been looking at pictures lately, and i've always been the fattest kid. And i am the stupidest. and the ugliest. and the all around worst child.
    I hadn't been cutting for a few days, but that sent me over the edge, so now i have "you don't deserve to live" and "oink" and some other stuff. GUH.
    I hate how fat I am. My sister just got married a little while ago and I can't watch the wedding video. I can't stand to look at myself.
    Is it weird that I just want to become anorexic and have him find out about me cutting just so he'll be nice? Although i'm convinced that if that happens he'll make fun of me more, along with my siblings. I hate how no one knows how upset i really am all of the time. And the two people who do know about me cutting don't even care, which just makes me mad for some reason. It's just like... I love these people and I only told them because I felt I could trust them and maybe I could get a little help or something? But idk...they kinda laughed it off. And maybe it IS something to laugh about.

    I know I really shouldn't be talking-- I mean, i'm not diagnosed with depression or anything. So it sounds like i'm being all whiny and complaining and like making fun or whatever, but right now i honestly cannot stand my life.

    GAH i am such a LOSER. i hate myself. i have no achievements. nothing to be proud of. I'm sorry for being here. I'm sorry for being a loser. I'm sorry for being a failure. I'm sorry for being fat. I'm sorry for not getting all A+'s last year. I'm sorry, okay? I'M SORRY.

    and I'm sorry for this long post.

    you know, that felt kinda good to get off my chest.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have nothing to be sorry for. Although your father may not be physically abusing you hun there is a form of abuse going on. It is emotional abuse and can be just as detrimental if not much more so than physical. Your BMI is within normal range so you are not fat hun. Don't listen to them. Don't let their thoughts influence your own. Often times in abusive situations the abuser concentrates on one person. It sounds like you are that one. I a sorry you or anyone has to go through that. You can rise above it. Stand tall and be proud of your accomplishments. Your grades are exemplary and may be your ticket out of there. For now, do what you can to survive. Your cutting issues bare probably ignored by your friends because they do not know what to say about it. If they ignore it, they hope it will go away. Try not to be too harsh on them. They really don't know what to do. Take care and stay safe. :hug: