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I'm sick of this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morgana, Dec 12, 2010.

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  1. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    [Sorry, I use bad language.]

    I really, truly am. Does it ever fucking end? I don't think it does anymore. Every time something negative happens, I spiral back down to here. No matter how trivial it is. It doesn't matter. I become instantly convinced that I am a worthless, pathetic, useless fuck-up.

    I used to think it got better. My father started molesting me from the time I was 4 years old. I kept hope. He r*ped me when I was 8-10 [long, convoluted story as to the ways and wherefores, and very triggering and disturbing, so...yeah]. Still kept that one tiny little bit of hope. R*ped and abused by a boyfriend when I was 20...thank Gawd he's an ex. STILL kept hope.

    What the fuck am I keeping that hope alive for? What? It's all the same. All the fucking same. I'm a hopeless wreck. I have a laundry list of mental disorders. Depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, several phobias, an eating disorder, self-injury, sub-clinical OCD, PTSD, complex PTSD, and DID [or possibly DDNOS--not officially diagnosed as of now]. My physical health is shit. I can't seem to fix my relationship. I'm not equal to him. I'm not good enough for him. I know this. Why he doesn't see this, I don't know. I've known it the entire time I've been with him. I am not good enough for him. And all of this is why. Who wants a pathetic, broken girl when they can have someone normal? Who wants to deal with all my issues? Who wants to end up talking to a 4-year-old alter? NO ONE.

    I feel defective. Like there's something so horribly wrong with me, the only thing left to do is scrap me and start over.

    I've been suicidal off and on since I was 9. I'm twenty-two now. No, it does not get better.
  2. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    i am tired. i havent slept for a long time, maybe that's why i can't find anything neutral, not to mention positive in your short resume. i just wonder, is there not a single reason not to try to find a final, untimely rest? that tiny tiny hope, it's extinguished? if so, there is no answer you would take except one, and i guess you wouldn't be here, where you can find other spirits in just as dire straits, and if not healing, at least understanding and some friendly ears who would share some of your grief.
    Please keep posting, it might help.
  3. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I guess it must still be here somewhere, or I would have now...I mean, I don't think the fact that my roommates would, well, find me would be enough to keep me from doing it. I can't stand them. :p

    I guess my boyfriend might miss me...even though I fail as a girlfriend and as a person, it seems. He's finally starting to acknowledge that, it feels like HEY took you long enough, honey, I told you I was broken. :( He doesn't want to hear about all the abuse stuff, but I mean...who would? He's already had to hear so much about it, it's enough to make anyone sick of it. I'M sick of it, only problem is I can't make it go away, it's just always there in my head.

    There's gotta be some reason I'm still alive...I just don't know what. :huh: I was almost hit by a car the other week, but I wasn't. So there must be some reason I'm still alive. Some "purpose." But what??? :( And is it important enough to bother with?
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're alive hun because you're a survivor and that's a really good thing to be. Survivors inspire the rest of us. So you're also an inspiration
    A survivor and an inspiration. I feel honoured to meet you.
    First things first - You can't possibly expect to be fully recovered from the childhood you've had by the age of 22. That's just not possible. The road to recovery is long and hard going but you'll do it. You're a survivor remember.
    You need to stop beating yourself up about how you're reacting to the situation. It's all part of the healing process and you are definitely moving towards healing. If you weren't, you'd still be with the ex bf. You had the strength to get away from him and you'll have the strength to get through this too.
    I'm not surprised that your physical and mental health have suffered. There's a limit to what can be done to a human being without that person suffering consequences and you've been pushed well past that limit.
    Now you have to be practical. You need to concentrate on getting well. It might seem like an impossible task but you're already on the way to completing it. You've recognised all the mental health issues and lots of people don't get that far. You've recognised the physical health issues and you've recognised that you need help. All good.
    You need to deal with your self image. You're not broken. Far from it. You have suffered though and its affected how you see yourself. You need to get help changing your self image from one of being broken to one of being the survivor that you are. Coping strategies and 'unlearning' negative behaviour patterns will help a lot with this.
    You also mustn't expect too much of your boyfriend. He's not a trained medical professional and probably doesn't have a clue on how to handle what's happened to you. It must be very frightening for him if you think about it.
    He did choose you so he obviously sees a lot of good in you and lots to love. Let him concentrate on those things to help with your self esteem and leave the counselling for when you're with professionals. Or come here and rant. You can pm me if you feel more comfortable talking in private.
    Mostly though, don't expect to get well overnight. Its going to take time but you will get there. You're far stronger than you realise.
    Sending hugs

  5. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    what you ask is no more no less than the "holy graal". What is the purpose? Is it important enough to keep going?
    Dear girl, (dont mind calling you girl), you are a lucky one, even you don't realize this. You do have a reason. A purpose. You have to find it, and this search should become your purpose. How i envie you, for you still have hope, despite the trials you suffered and still suffer. This is what life is about. Looking for a purpose. And even if you don't find it until you die, be assured that not many humans find theirs, or reach their ideals, or if they do they are happier by doing it.
    You do have problems. Most of them can be if not solved, at least kept under control, with help from professionals. What they cannot give you, is the belief that life, your life has a reason, beyond mere duty or obligations. Keep this spark alive, and try to live by it, and even share it if you have the opportunity.
    i already feel better for finding a little light, even in a darkness that is not mine, and i thank you for it.
    whenever feel the need, keep sharing your thoughts with others, here or elswhere.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I'm sorry to hear about all of the sexual abuse that you've endured at the hands of your father and ex-boyfriend, but you have to believe that it wasn't your fault and that you're not messed up for life. You've been traumatized and you have to heal from the PTSD. Emotional healing takes many, many years to fully recover. Please don't give up. :hug:
  7. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Hi Morgana I can really empathise with what you say and feel I too was raped, sexually assaulted and have BDD and very low self esteem. I also wonder why anyone would want to be with me rather than someone 'normal'. So I usually push them away before it gets serious.
    I am 34 so a little further down the line in the healing and coping process, of course it is different for everyone how they deal with things like this. But I know in my early 20's I really didn't believe that I would ever feel any different but it does happen even if it is so gradual you don't really notice, with therapy or even a loving boyfriend who keeps reassuring you you are great and beautiful. That is as long as he treats you well, I hope so.

    Men tend to deal with everything very different to us, girls often want to talk about everything good and bad whereas men often prefer to keep it inside unless very 'in touch with their feelings' which is quite rare. If you think about girlfriends chatting together they will talk about everything in great detail. Compare that to guys getting together they wouldn't dream of chatting like that but more likely be about neutral topics like sport or movies rather than emotional or relationship stuff.
    So I think your man is being just a normal guy, it is not that he doesn't care but just isn't used to talking everything through even the good things let alone more delicate topics. He may also not want to upset you or see you get upset, many men like to protect their woman from getting upset. He may not realise it would actually help you to talk about it, as you may cry and some men and also women see crying as a bad thing whereas as many of us know it is a good release and a part of healing pain. Have you told him you would like to talk about it. You could explain that you don't ask him to try to understand or even say anything back or try to stop you if you get upset, just to listen let you tell him all that you are comfortable with, ask any questions he may have as it will be hard for him aswell and then just hug eachother quietly to take it all in then do something relaxing together like listening to music so your minds can both calm down. Maybe then you could agree a time, like a week later, to go through anything else that comes to mind as it will play over in his head and you don't want him just firing random questions at you for the next few weeks at any given moment.

    With regards to how you feel about yourself it can get better, maybe not totally but improve. Remember what you see or think of yourself is down to your self image not what you actually look like or your character. A person with anerexia sees someone much fatter than they are in their reflection and a person with BDD or low self esteem will see many flaws with themselves phtsically and in their personality, often a thing they hate about themselves is something others will compliment them on but they won't believe it. Your man wants to be with you therefore he must think you are attractive and must like you on the inside aswell. Nobody is perfect and not many people expect perfection so even the things you see as being a problem for him and why doesn't he go for someone without problems, because they are not you that is why, it is you he loves and that means with any problems that have happened or may happen, if he loves you he will deal with them the best he can, be patient with him and he may learn to open up more.

    One thing someone taught me which was very hard to do at first and even now is to accept a compliment with just a 'thank you' rather than saying you disagree etc. If he tells you something nice you may not agree but it is his opinion and he means it so it doesn't matter if you cannot see it. He wouldn't be nice to you for nothing. The same friend once said 'My opinion is always right otherwise it wouldn't be my opinion' meaning it doesn't matter if anyone disagrees it will still be his opinion and nothing will change that.

    So remember your man sees the real you inside and out not the you that you see due to what you have been through. It is normal to feel like that after abuse but it doesn't mean that is what you are really like. With a lot of time and patience with the right man you will slowly start to accept what they see and think and start to see the real you, beautiful inside and out. It will take time but you will progress I am sure of that.
    Big hug.X
  8. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Thank you, everyone, we're sorry we haven't replied sooner. Kind of silly of us that we seem only able to go to this forum when we're very near crisis. :rolleyes:

    Our bf is actually probably more in touch with emotions than anyone we know. He's always encouraging us to cry and stuff. But...we just suck at relationships, apparently. We suck at everything.

    Including class. We just failed a class. Because I was a fucking idiot and didn't recheck the time. I thought it was 8 a.m. today until 5 p.m. Friday. Nope, it ended 5 p.m. TODAY. She doesn't allow make-ups. So the chance of us getting to take it is pretty much ZERO. And...without the final, I fail.

    So that's all my fault. And makes me feel like the biggest fucking idiot to walk this planet.

    Finding it very very very hard to find ANY reason right now why we should still be alive. Honestly the only reason I haven't attempted is because I don't want to fuck the other parts over when they AREN'T suicidal. Of course, now most of us are. :sad:

    :blub: Why do I have to be so fucking USELESS?
  9. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Yep. I was right. I can't take it because she's already made the answers public. I didn't even think to LOOK at the fucking answers, but oh well. I fail.

    Maybe this is such a stupid, pointless thing to feel suicidal about. But SO MANY FUCKING THINGS have built up, that...well...it's too much. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. :blub: I don't want to anymore.

    Life hurts too much.
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