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I'm so alone. So I have to do this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by j86, Mar 8, 2008.

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  1. j86

    j86 Well-Known Member

    Note: Heavy language.

    It's been there my whole life and no one seemed to care. This big hole inside of my heart. No one cares if another one is hurting. They only care about the one and only - them. This whole society has gone mad and everyone is unaware about the mental abuse they cause to so many people from different backgrounds.

    And society has somehow influenced me in ways too but not enough to control me.

    My name is Jordan and I was born and raised in the most boring state of all USA - Ohio. I will not tell you the town I live in because you wouldn't want to waste your time visiting in. I will tell you this - it's full of either little kids or old people. That's why I am completely alone. I do love my family though but I can't do the things friends do together. Ever since I graduated high school (which was in '05), all what were my friends are now gone and God bless them - they are saved.

    This town is boring no matter what season and right now it's winter.. or spring. As depressing of a season fall is, it is my favorite. At first I hated it but the thought of leaves falling and the smell of autumn is such a wonderful thing.

    So I am alone here. In the winter. And I am left alone - why I will never know. Maybe during my high school years, the jocks thought I was gay. Of course I've questioned my own sexuality but all open minded artists do. It's like a natural thing. It's automatic. I'm not going to just sit around and bash something before I try it, you know? I'm not like that. That's not something an artist does. And for the record, I am fucking gay. And even if I wasn't, I wouldn't bash because I want as many friends as I can regardless of sexuality and race.

    Let me further introduce myself. I'm Jordan. 21 years old. Live in fucking Ohio. Graduated high school. Everyone left to move on. I decided to go to college too. I was going to, well, more like I did - took music courses. Haven't noticed yet, but music is my passion. Like that question, here's my answer. If I was stranded on an island, I would bring all my records with me. And I would kill to have been a teenager in the late 70's. Sadly, I was born in the late 80's. So I missed all the good punk gigs. And the punk gigs going on now aren't even punk. Or music for that matter. Fucking sucks, doesn't it? See, I still act like a little kid. For a 21 year old, I act like i'm 14. Why? I was deprived from my childhood. There's 2 to blame - myself and Ohio. I don't blame my parents for raising me in such a sucky state but they didn't have to move here. I love my parents. I would never purposelessly blame them for anything unless we get into politics. I'm the right one there, buddy. Anyway, Ohio deprived my youth. This town had and has nothing. It's a village.

    My sister tries to tell me different but i've lived here longer. I know. Of course she's not like me. Yeah, she's a "prep" but she's okay. She listens to all those awesome hardcore bands like me but I don't blame her for her beliefs. She's smart as hell. For 17, she can sure pack my head in with comebacks and can sure put up a good debate. As pretty as she is, I don't understand why she doesn't stay close to her friends - while she still can. I would do anything to have made more friends in high school. Of course, no one there shared my same interests except for the ones I already knew but here's hoping in the past.

    My sister has two sides - my side and her side. My side is the likes of me and her side is the side she likes. Confusing any? Oh well, meaning she has her punk side and then she has her preppy side. PReppy isn't bad when you're in a workplace. I try to love my sister but she sometimes can get evil. And sometimes she breaks my heart.

    Anyway, why I blame myself for depriving. I didn't live my youth up while I had the time. Well, my town doesn't help much but when I went to college, I had the opportunity again and in a larger city. So I did. And that led to me dropping out. I got involved in drugs and didn't go to class. I'm rather upset but satisfied. First off, my landlord (like most) was a bitch of a ****. Secondly, change the system! Why fucking pay for college? We shouldn't have to. Now, i'm in debt thanks to the bitch lord and the college. TWO colleges to exact. And the gov't wants my moneys. My moneys I don't have. See how fucked up our system is?

    Free country? I think not. We have to pay to live in the USA. Who would've thought our country would be this greedy? Satan? But in all reality, no matter who gets into office, our administration won't do jack. They don't want to help us. They only want the fame and spotlight. They want to be well-known wordlwide and they lie! Oh do they life. Makes me sick. So our gov't, law, school systems, hospitals, they are all fucked up. You can't feel safe and secure in this country. Isn't that wrong? And why is it i'm the only one to feel this way? Because the others are afraid to say differently. They are afraid to speak out. Hell, i'm not. Look at me! But the only way I can speak my mind would be to go along with it.

    Some would say i'm an anarchist. No, i'm not. I'm a Libertarian. I believe in a gov't but one that has less restrictions. Even a democratic gov't would still screw us.

    So why live in a world that isn't safe? That you feel hurt you live in?

    I don't know. Maybe because if you die and are in debt, it's not possible to get away from. Our fucking gov't would hunt down my family and by godd that sound upright rude and fucking illegal.

    Right now, I feel as if out gov't is being controlled by those dictators who are now dead. They all had visions but they went down the gutter.

    So, finally, here I am living in fascist America with no friends, no job, yes debt. How miserable do I feel? I feel disgusting that i've let my family that I love down for not completing my college education because you can't get a musical job in a shitty Ohio. So I realized that after being drugged up on dope and thinking about fucked life really is while kissing my ex boyfriend that I planned to marry - or is gay marriage and abomination in politically correct Ohio? What is politically correct in these modern times?

    I've had it. I've had it. This country - this world is going down the drain and I guess I will too.

    My only saving grace would be to move to Canada because my current (and drug-free) boyfriend lives there. To be honest, he's planning a trip down here to visit me by the 20th of March. However, I don't think my parents would be okay with it - but since i'm at the edge of my life, I really don't give a shit about what they think. This would all be for the best. I could start a new life instead of wanting to destroy this one - because this one has no future.
  2. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    I'm walkin down the block and you say 'that's him, there goes the guy with the funky sound" the Beastie Boys you know we come to get down because I got the flow where I grab my d*ck and say, 'oh my god, that's the funky sh*t'

    Best Bb song...ever. have you heard the freezone remix? best

    Music is one of very few reasons that life is truly good...with people who know this, it resonates in them on a level that improves your health and mind...if you can enjoy music for what its worth then throw yourself into it. Expand your genres, what have you. Just get through it. Bb are some good nonsensical stuff, bob dylan is also good, marley- people who understood life is f*cked up and you have to embrace that it doesn't make sense, and it never will....

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2008
  3. -exposed-

    -exposed- Member

    hey j86, I can definitely relate to feeling like you missed out on most of your childhood because I kindof withdrew from society and isolated for the past 3 years.

    The only advice I could give you is to move up here to Canada, if you plan on getting married to your current boyfriend you could establish permanent residence here. And for the most part we are very accepting to gay marriage. (I, being a straight male have no problems with it at all.) Anyways goodluck my friend.
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