I'm So Alone.

[anotherFailure]

I'm 21 and I have no friends (pushed away what little friends I had a long time ago).... Have never had a girlfriend. Had crushes but never made a move because I was, and of course still am pathetic.. being this old it's now majorly PATHETIC (I'm a good looking person.. well Cute is the word that everyone has used to describe me ... that was never the problem). The problem is I've been depressed. I've been depressed as far as I can remember (since I was very young).

I used to blame my dad for my problems when I was young. He was an abusive bitch when I was little. He used to beat the crap out of me with his belt over the smallest things. After he would beat me I would go to my room and take out a knife I hid under my bed, and push it up against my belly while crying my eyes out. I would try to push it through, but I was to much of a wuss (I really wish I had.. life has only gotten worse).

Another thing that has added to my depression is that I have a lot of stress whenever I'm around people. This always made school very hard for me, or anything for that matter. My heart races and I can't stay calm. So I have just ignored everyone and anyone as much as possible after i dropped out of high school at 16. I would stay in my room and go insane even more i guess.

I'm so deep in a constant spiral that I will never be able to fix anything.

I'm so very very tired and want to die.

 

[FlipsycKill]

OMG finally someone whos been through the same as me when I was younger but replace your dad part with an uncle man I hated my uncle abusive b****** just because he failed his school doesn't mean he had to put his anger on someone just to get his kicks

 

[anotherFailure]

These types of people don't deserve to have kids.

I want to put them all in a line and shoot em.

 

[TheBLA]

Your not as alone as you think, I'm 19 and haven't had friends for years, never have had a girlfriend, most likely never will, been really depressed about it and such.

 

[anotherFailure]

Ya, i never will either.... no one wants to be around a depressed person. This will never change for me. The only reason I'm still here is that I had this idea of hope in my mind that things could get better for me. But of course it has only gotten worse, and keeps going. The older I get, the harder it gets.

I'm currently living with my bro (which won't last long). Him and his wife are going to get a new house soon and i'll be homeless. I'm not going to get a job and work my ass off living on minumum wage (this is something I will not do). I have no future... and a bad past... These are the new problems of mine stacked on top of my old ones which I couldn't handle in the first place.

Right now I'm just trying to think of a good way to end it before this crap hole existence of mine gets even worse.... :sad: