im so angry and stalled

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Axiom, Dec 8, 2010.

  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I hate this feeling. What's happened isn't important. I hate trusting people and being used and then ultimatly discarded. I thought this was different. Things seemed to flow properly. Now im left in a nothingness. Everything that touched it I dont care about because it reminds me. I hate feeling weak
     
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry Blake, can you feel good that you were able to help even if you were being taken advantage of.
     
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    How do you mean help? As in help being the aspect of enjoyment on the other parties end?

    its hard to write about it because i dont want to talk about. But i want to talk about it. If you can understand what I mean. And It's so hard because when I write no body gets what im saying or what im writing comes off as completely over complicated bullshit. Its just who I am though..i ruin everything it seems or fall prey to things. But this, this issue I attached too much to it, and it feels like someones thrown a soft explosive gernade where my desires and motivation are. It doesnt hurt that much, it just feels very very bad.

    I dont know what you mean, but im desperate too for some reason.. If anything to re-strucutre myself or run away from these feelings or lack of. I suppose I could just forget about it.. but that would inevitably mean forgettng about what is hurt and what was before, and what may be in the process... Fucking life I suck at it.. Every damn thing.. Ive tried to stay hidden so I dont put myself on any spotlights so I dont get knocked down so I dont remember all the times ive been knocked down so I dont snowball to extremes.. but this.. i fucking attached parts from everything into it. Small bits.. but just enough so now that this has been fucked about, im spiralling out and connecting everything together and remembering everything together and feeling every damn failure again. It's so bloody heavy. This wont kill me. But fuck me if id ont fix this i dont know about next time and the next..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2010
  4. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    fuck it just fucking fuck it to fucking hell
     
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I can get what your saying, why do you stay in the corner so much, why not let yourself shine a little, get out there and show yourself that you can do it. I like how you put your words, like the grenade comment, I feel that way to, but im more why even try when I know the outcome, atleast thats what my brain is telling me. But in reality I dont know how things will turn out unless I atleast try.

    You ever feel like your in this huge empty space where its just you and your so small, I get that feeling alot, like Im the oddball out of everyone else and they are the "sane" ones, that maybe I should stay in my corner because noone will get me, or like me. This is why I hide so much, I cant seem to get the nerve to actually get off my butt.

    Keep talking.
     
  6. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Usually I just dont understand people or why they find things funny or interesting. That sort of perception drastically affects my expression because I hate lying and being fake, so itend to be either try really hard to be nice, which ends my conversation flow really quickly, or i dont know what to say so i dont say anything. Im not a quiet person, Ill stand up and say something when it's facts i can play with.. wtf i dont care about this part of me.. ill get over those issues i reckon over time.

    I feel better from this situation when im doing something else.. but the moment i look at it, i feel like every connection inside of me is dissolving away, like a seriously fast infection spreading, dissolving every aspect of everythingi sde of it.

    What I really really fucking hate, if it was all real, if I hadnt been the tool in it, I wouldh ave been so happy. but now everythings ruined, so is that dream. and I hate that one dream after another is ripped apart and the idea replaced by the memory of the destruction ive let happen.
     
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Just because one dream ends doesnt mean that theres not more of them to come. You just got to open yourself up to it.

    Yea by your words Im ate up in depression, suicide, blah, blah and it takes over so quickly and spreads so fast that my mind cant keep up with the fight on most days, but I cant stop trying, I have to see whats around the corner, not knowing drives me crazy.

    Im also one that believes things happen for a reason, can you believe that, after all that I went through I still believe that. So what do I do with it, I guess I live with my mistakes, my memories, my past, I try to live with myself and the mistakes that Ive made and the ones that was made against me. If I dont then I get consumed by rage that this world can be that evil that spiteful and thats just torture.
     
  8. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I havent jumped to an overview perception yet. Where present moments combine with past events to create future wonders. I dont want to let go of this dream that has been shattered. It's pissing me off so much. I've jumped from all the elements of the dream to the idea of the dream... Soon it will be the idea then just the memory, another brick in the wall. I HATE BRICKS IN THE WALL. why does every potentially damn good thing have to fall apart and be a damn learning curve for me and thus another brick in the wall to lead to a better good thing. This would have been perfect.... I fucked it up again. I hate it.. I hate fucking up I hate being a loser and an idiot. You know what gets me 5 years on this forum and I've got like 2 friends on here. That's NUTS. Just like me. nuts I dont make sense. Im disjointed idiotic, infact im a bloody joke and so are my perceptions OMG fuck that word fuck my wording.. I cant stand the way I think it's bloody useless. It's unspecific crap wording that works in any situation and always spells the same bullshit "KNOWS fuck all"

    OH man im really pissed i think

    This aint fair on you. You're being so nice by responding to me. I appricate it alot.. <-- I think I do. I dont know. Fucking hell. I just hate wasting peoples time, especially when I know they are trying to be nice. Fuck this shit. I love the interactio, but I hate the waste I create in the wake of it. Sry for the nutty responces...
     
  9. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im not sure why you think your wasting my time, I could just ignore you if I wanted. Im trying to read between the lines your giving me, trying not to assume anything. So here goes. We all make mistakes in our lives, if you didnt learn the first time then damn it you better learn the second time around.

    We are only human, and shit happens. Yep we F up alot for ourselves, we wish away things that will help most, we waste energy that we should be soaking in.

    Ever think that I want to die, I dont want to kill myself I just want someone to end it for me, where the hell does those kind of crazy thoughts come from, bc I have them all the time and thats not sane is it. But you know what, who the hell cares, this is me, and you are you, right, if your not happy with it then change it. Thats all that you can do.

    But then again, Im totally full of BS, and if it was that easy then I wouldnt be here myself.
     
  10. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Sometimes the pain and suffering during a loss feels more alive then the moments when you know youre going to get over it. I fucking hate the idea of getting over this. It's frustrating. Making the same mistake twice is not something I do easily, but my desire for the same situation is there in some idea. So I might just make the same mistake from a different angle. I don't really care, that's forethought again, I hate forethought in this situation. I hate the situation, I hate the future from this situation, I hate .. Yippie looks like ive filled my void with hate of the situation, GREAT... Perhaps I'll use it as a motivation to overcome the negative feelings. YIPPIE.. Fucking typical. Useless, repetitious tactic, Oh wait lets re-divert it to understanding and calm. Same useless progressive shit. Ug..... now lets dodge the whole issue and jump to, perhaps Im just tired of the same old things time and again and how life seems so linear.. blah blah blah blah... Right now Im sick of jumping.. im sick of bouncing im sick of surviving. I feel like I could burn.. I wish I could burn.. maybe it wouldnt be true then this whole situation. maybe if i endured enough id see I was mistaken in the overall. That's backtracking though, living in the past. Great.. Fucking great. How about I stare at a wall... Ug,.. ill just forget. But i dont want to .. torment atleast lets me know im alive.... fucking hell my position shifts like butter on a hot pan.

    You're not full of BS. It makes sense and I know what you are saying and trying to do. It uncomfortably helps. Like forcing me to see something else. Though at the sametime, dissolving what I love..d. Which was a lie to begin with. I can almost not remember the feeling of the realisation that I can't have it.. I feel.. normal. AND i hate this almost as much as I feared the truth in this situation. im a fucking sad individual
     
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Can you walk out, close the door on the past, start fresh, no its not where you want to be but hell you dont want to be where you are now either. Im sorry about your loss, its hard when something leaves you with a feeling of want and longing for it back. Is it the situation or the actual thing, ask yourself that?

    I enjoyed chatting with you, I love the way you put your words, makes me think instead of just reading, if that makes any sense. Im sorry but I have to go round my brats now and ring the dinner bell. Hope that we can do it again.

    PM anytime.
     
  12. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    This may help...or not, as the case may be. :)

    "asemia"
    loss or absence of the capacity to express thoughts or ideas by written, spoken, or gesticulated means.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2010
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hi hope your having a better day.
     
  14. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    lol No not really. I don't have any conditions mate. Im just angry. But I suppose thanks? Just for future reference, please don't post "conditions" for me. It bugs me, because anything can be considered a condition, which is jumping the gun in my opinon. Though, I appricate the thought and time for the post NMTP



    My days ok. I get on and survive like everyone else I suppose. It's just frustrating when when something you care about that matters deep down is ripped away. Everything associated gets twinged, because it's as if the part that is ripped away has hooks too all other aspects of who I am, and it creats alot of hostile friction, so it is painful.