I'm so ashamed. I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thepainwithin, Jan 9, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I hooked up with another guy! I can't even look at myself anymore. Am I gay??? I don't want to be! It's just been over 2 years since any physical contact with a woman. It was one thing to act out my fantasies with a woman but a guy?!?! I wish I wouldn't have. I wish he didn't look at me. I wish I was just a normal person that knew what to say to girls. I'm so lonely. I'm so ashamed. I want a wife and kids. And now I have this secret. I hate having secrets and a dirty conscience. I want to die. I feel so awkward so ashamed. Why can't I just meet a girl and be happy? Why? It hurts
  2. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. First off sexual orientation isn't something which is 'chosen' it is something you are born with. Also this doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual either. Have you ever considered the possibility you could be bisexual, since you talk about fantasies with women? It could also be something which just happens once in your life and never again. Recently I was reading Christopher Hitchens memoir and he talks about his sexual experiences with guys as a young man. Didn't stop him from only having relationships with women later in his life and it surely didn't stop him from having a wife and kids. I repeat you have nothing to be ashamed of.
  3. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    This is one of things about our society that hurts so many of us. Guilt about sexuality. You have nothing to be ashamed of, the hatred too gawddamn many supposed "christian" assholes spew about a purely normal desire that some people have, is THEIR problem, not yours. You may be gay, or not, or as Ryan said, you might be bisexual. That doesn't define you as a person.

    I've known I am bisexual almost as long as I can remember and while I don't rub other peoples nose in it (it's really none of their business) I don't feel the least bit of guilt for what turns me on. I didn't ask to be bisexual, but since I am, I just accept it. Cripes, I got enough freakin' guilt over stuff that does matter to carry that too.

    Maybe you'll never be with another guy again, or maybe you will. Just don't beat yourself up because you tried it. One encounter doesn't define you, the sum total of your experiences does.
  4. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    It has nothing to do with Christianity or morals. I'm straight. I like women, but after my last girlfriend broke up with me in the worst possible way, I haven't so much as kissed a girl in 2 years+. My parents want grand kids. It's up to me to keep the name going. I let some friends convince me I needed to change the way I went about getting girls, and this was after a time I'd had more girls in my life interested in me than ever before.

    12 tries later things just got sad. Rejection after rejection. They finally tried to set me up with a total ***** who most likely had Down's syndrome.

    So while they went off and fucked their girls at night, I slept alone.

    My ex was awesome, despite the fights. She was into everything. EVERYTHING. I'm too ashamed to get close to a girl now.
  5. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    Well my friend, I'd work on your view of women as being people, instead of being sexual targets. Given your last reply, I wouldn't want you seeing my daughter. JMHO
  6. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    Ya maybe came off bad, I think just the opposite though, I don't treat women like target, at least anymore. I admit this was several years ago, I'm still not over it. The point was these guys convinced me I needed help getting a new girlfriend after my ex broke up with me. They tried to set me up with a s l u t... they brought their girlfriends out to the lake and then one of their "friends" who they were total biotches too. I wasn't going to sleep with this girl they tried to set me up with, even though she was throwing herself at me... it's not who I am, it's never what I had been. This was on when I had just broken up with a girlfriend. I'd tried moving on and finding a girl but I was just so awkward after to girls after that. Then they tell me I need help, and it just makes my interactions with girls worse.

    And about that other girl. We had been IN LOVE. She knew everything about me. We'd been together 3 years. I guess the point is I feel like I'm never going to find a girl like her again. It's not that I treat them like targets, in fact just the opposite.... I don't talk to them. I have the same insecurities they do. Except they learn defenses from guys always hitting on them. I'm too shy to even approach! Or make light conversation with the girl sitting next to me in class! There are a lot of things I want to keep hidden, that if I ever got close to one it'd be the end of it if they'd ever found out. I've been lucky to have had girls who will keep my secrets. But after a few embarrassing blows to the ego, I'm kind of a joke around town, or at least I am in my head. A lot of people know me that I don't know. When stuff like that happens it changes you. It makes you worse when you mess up. Despite how much they say they are helping you.

    It's just been a lonely 4 years.

    And now I feel so dirty. Just the guilt of keeping this secret. How will I do it?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2013
  7. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    TPW... I am so sorry you're struggling... its not an easy situation. As a woman I just wanted to tell you about my husband in the hope that maybe it will reassure some that we do not have to be eternally defined by our actions.

    One night after we had been married for a couple of months my husband & I were chatting & he had obviously been stressing about telling me that he was with a boy when he was in his teens, experimenting - he was in an all boys school... anyway he hated it and felt much as you do now, & he decided he was straight & wanted to get married etc. for me I really just wanted to know if he still thought or wanted to be with guys & after he reassured me he didn't that was enough for me! We all make mistakes... or do things we regret but it does not have to define us. We have been married 17 almost 18yrs now. Had our share of problems but who doesn't, Anyway this is about you - I don't know how old you are & it doesn't really matter what age you are, but you have your whole life ahead of you & I know it must be hard but please try to give yourself a break...

    Take care
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am sorry hun you are feeling so isolated and alone. You hun can only go with how you feel and if it is to be with a woman then perhaps moving away from w here you are may help you heal some Get to a new place meet new people and leave the past in the past hun ok h ugs
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.