i'm so confused, please help if you can.

[earlgreytea]

perhaps this isn't the right place to post this. it's hard to put into writing how i feel. i'm fourteen and began self harming half a year ago. it came and went, but a couple months ago i had a particularly bad episode of depression; i was having almost daily suicidal thoughts and was self harming frequently. a teacher found out through a friend and now i see a school counsellor weekly. this is the story i tell other people, but it's not the story i'm going to tell here.

this is something i've never told anyone else. it's something that's pretty common in teenage years, please don't roll your eyes! i have a crush on a teacher right now. he always stares at me and makes an effort to see me. this has been happening for a year. he's quite young, many people in my all girls school find him attractive. my friend doesn't know i like him but she likes him as well. lately, she's been gushing about him all the time. he's been ignoring me recently; he never looks at me, but puts himself in a position where i can stare at him. this is completely different to what happened before. today i saw him staring at her, this hasn't been the first time. i know i'm not the only girl he does this to, but seeing it happen to her was so painful.

i've always had low self esteem; the smallest thing can make me feel worthless and unworthy of living. my mum has contributed to this. i don't really like my body, i've always been underweight and i'm at the age now where people around me are starting to get curves. but i digress; today i felt so low and worthless i felt like self harming in school. i'm being crushed by self doubt. i cut yesterday. is it ever going to stop?

sorry about the length of this. please give me some advice about him; i know we can never be together and nothing will ever happen. but when he looks at me he makes me feel beautiful, like i could do anything. without him, i feel empty, ugly, worthless, uninteresting, like a terrible person.

 

[Charliex8]

Hi @earlgreytea Welcome to SF!

I'm sorry but I have no experience with crushes on teachers but I can assure you no one is going to roll their eyes. Everyone here is super nice and no one will judge you! Well done for sharing this. I know how hard it is to open up. I'm glad to hear you are seeing a school counsellor. Do you feel you could tell this to them? Honestly, they are probably going to be the best person to help you. But if not, I want you to know that although I may not be good at giving advice, I am pretty good at listening so if you do want to talk, I'll be around ^_^

 

[earlgreytea]

@Charliex8 thank you for replying! i don't think i can tell my counsellor, i'm quite a private person. i couldn't even tell my friends for a long time and then i was too scared to tell a teacher. a friend ended up doing it behind my back. i've already told her a lot about reasons for self harming, suicidal thoughts etc. i'd love to talk as i've found that it's great to get a new perspective on things.

 

[Sand and Sun]

Earlgrey, welcome. Since you are relatively new at self harming, it’s best to nip it in the bud. You must learn other ways to deal with your uncomfortable feelings. Talk to cutters here on SF. They will tell you that it only gets worse. I think a mother/daughter talk with your mum is necessary. Sometimes parents don’t realize the damage they can inflict on their kids. Many are oblivious. Few aim to hurt their kids. If you are embarrassed to talk with your mum, talk at length with the school counselor. If he/she knows little on cutting, ask for a referral to someone who has dealt with it.
As to your attractive teacher.....it is quite common for young teens to have a crush on a teacher. The teacher on the other hand is an adult and under no cases should flirt, tease or touch a student. Teachers who do that often end up in jail. If you really think the teacher is acting this way, it should be reported to the school counselor and realize, that although the teacher may seem cute, he is a dirt bag and is violating ethical behavior.

 

[Petal]

i feel empty, ugly, worthless, uninteresting, like a terrible person.

You are absolutely none of those nasty words you just called yourself. Being 14 is hard enough without your confidence being in the toilet and your self esteem so low. You know this already but private person or not, you need to be open to your counselor otherwise there is zero point in seeing them. They are there to help so open up in your own time, just be yourself, don't set your levels by other peoples approvals or disapproval, you are worth far more than that. Welcome to the forum and I am really glad you joined, this is a safe site where you can open up and be yourself but of course like anything, it takes time. Wishing you the best and be sure to keep us updated

 

[Charliex8]

Your welcome @earlgreytea ^_^ I completely understand about being private. I find it so hard to share things with others too, especially face to face. How are you finding talking to your counsellor? Do you find it useful to talk? I've found that talking helps a lot! Though I'm still working on it...I still think you should try to talk to your counsellor if you can. Have you thought about writing a letter? I often write letters. You can write them in your own time and get out exactly what you need to say ahead of time. It's still pretty hard handing it over but I've told a fair few people how I feel that way. Feel free to message me anytime I'm pretty slow at replying though so bare with me! Or we can carry on talking here if you like ^_^

 

[theedda]

Honestly, this is probably gonna annoy you, because I for one absolutely hated hearing this at your age (and even older), but I gotta say this, because I wish so much that I had realised this when I was in my teens. My depression began when I was 14 as well, so I understand how those feelings can be very real at your age, I am NOT trying to take away the legitimacy of your feelings in any way.
But, when you think about it, your life has essentially not even begun yet. You're laying the foundation for your future life. It's difficult, but if there's any time in your life to just bite down and push through it, it's now.
Let me tell you, I don't spend a second of my day thinking about the girls I liked when I was 14, or 16, or even my ex from when I was 18. I don't spend any time thinking about how awkward I looked back then, or how behind or ahead I was in terms of my physical development compared to the other students.
But do you know what I do regret, what I do think about? Cheesy as it sounds, how I didn't focus on my studies. I was practically obsessed with a girl when I was 17, and that messed up my final exams. Coulda gotten into a much better university if I tried. I regret not taking up music, or acting, or writing. I regret not going out more with what few friends I had, and not being more open to the people who gave me a chance to talk to them. Hell, I'd go so far as to say I regret not watching more TV and movies, not exploring more genres of music, not experimenting more with different clothes and hairstyles. Maybe I'd at least be more cultured and interesting now.
I know it's hard, but try to take it easy. It may not seem like it, but you have all the time in the world to figure things out.