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I'm so confused...

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Hi, I'm new here... :hieveryon

I don't know, it seems so pointless... My life sucks, untill recently I thought things will get better with time, but now I'm depressed again, and this time I have no more illusions that it will get better... :(

(the boring part)
In elementary school everything was just horrible:blub: , I was a bit shy and probably the smartest kid in the class, so almost everyone harrased me, and those who didn't acted like nothing was happening... They insulted me whenever they could, they made me think that I'm dumb, whatever I said, they said that I'd better shut up because I can't talk properly and that I'm not amusing at all, that I'm a dumb, ugly, smelly, weak and worthless jerk, they laughed at every wrong move I made... And I really thought I was such an idiot, I had almost no self-confidence left...

When I got to high school, although these were all new people, I couldn't talk to them because I felt they'll hate me too, and my grades went down too, so I felt completely worthless and depressed :sad: , and started thinking about suicide. With time, I realised I wasn't ugly and incompetent at all, and started feeling better, but I still couldn't relax around people because by then they got used to seing me on a distance, therefore I had almost no friends, I had closer contacts with only a few people, but I never hung out with them really, and when I tried, I felt like a stranger, by then they all knew each other, and I felt so embarrased and inept...
That was terrible :hiding: , being 17 or 18, and not having any friends to go out with, they all partied and so, and I could just stand aside... Of course, not socializing with anyone meant also no socializing with girls, therefore no experience with sexual stuff...

But, I thought everything will get better when I get to college, I thought I'll meet new people, I'll study what I like, and everything will get better... Well, now I study what I like, and I met new people, I made a few good friends, I started going out with them, but I started feeling depressed again with no special reason...

And then I got more reason to feel bad, I quit the study group at which I have most my friends, and at the other group I have only one really good friend, I think he's my best friend, but whenever I told him we might go talk to other people, he ignored it... Well, I couldn't socialise with others and leave him alone, and whomever I met at that study group he ignored them (with other people I knew he behaved OK, though), and whomever he met at that group he made me uncomfortable when talking to them, in such a situation he either talked to them, or to me, although I tried hard to communicate with them he made it so hard... It was so confusing...

And I never had no sexual contact, ever, not even kissing, and I'm 20... And knowing that I look good makes me just more confused, but I can't approach to a girl when I miss so much experience, I mean, it's just confusing...

And I'm not worried only by socialising, I can't do anything without thinking that I'll mess it up, even now when finishing this post I feel like I should stop and do something else, and when I do something else I think I should be doing some third thing, and when I start thinking what I should do untill the and of this week, I feel so nervous :no:, I'm scared of the most simple tasks, and when I think what I should do until the end of this semester and beyond, it all crushes me... All the time I get feelings that just everyone is more competent than me, that everyone knows everything better than me, that passing a test well is just a coincidence... And, also like with socialising, I realize that I'm intelligent, but I feel I can't do anything about it, whatever I do I feel like running away from it...

I can't take it, nothing makes me happy for more than a few moments, and my mood goes only from calm and melancholic to clinically depressed, I never actually felt happy (they call this dysthimia, don't they?), social activities make me anxious and frustrate me and I've started avoiding that again, and I feel just more and more incompetent with studying... I don't think I'll take it much longer now... Coucelling didn't help me much, the councelor proposed me that I should think about starting a drug therapy, but I doubt it will do any good really, I feel like it would only postpone the inevitable... Even when I'm not totally depressed, I must supress thinking about suicide, everything I do makes me question myself and eventually makes me feel confused, incompetent and unworthy... Sometimes I spend hours thinking about ending it, and sometimes when, for example, I see a truck passing by, I feel it would be best if I jumped in front of it right that moment, and sometimes I wish so hard that it goes over to the sidewalk and ends it...
It's all so painful... A life between being disappointed and disgusted by oneself, and on the other side only being a bit calmer and confused, waiting for the pain to return... :sad: What's the point of living like that? Could that be called living at all? :cry:
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Hi hopeless,

From what I've read its seems everyone has just treated you way unwell. I don't know about drugs either. It seems you need some new company to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your best friend seems..well seems a a bit mean too. You should definately find a good friend to boost your confidence!

I can understand high school. the little runts don't know any better = / (!)
College people grow up a bit...Anyway what I'm trying to say , your a Good Person. You should remember that. I don't know. About friends. I Hate how your so scared = ( .

And girls. You'll defin. meet someone. Someone kind. I mean it. You have alot of aptitude and ability. I mean it = )

Your psychologist. lol (and friend)



School can be fun can't it. Its one of those things you just almost have to put behind you (I know easier said then done.) I have done sorta the same thing you have done with school with my job, ever time I move up I keep thinking it will get better, everything will go away and everything will be alright. I know how it feels to have a hope like that dashed and find yourself back on the same street as when you started. I am not really sure what kind of advice I can give except keep your chin up, going to collage in itself is something to be proud of.

Socializing can really be a handful, I know how many nights I have sat staring at a post and editing over and over again to make it sound just right. I truly think everyone that reads my posts must think I am some kind of idiot. All of that to say I am glade you fought you instincts and posted this, I think it’s the same with talking with girls, you just have to bite your bottom lip and give it a try and realize the worst they can really do is say no.

I guess what I am really trying to say with all of this is to hang in their the best that you can, I know the feeling of not wanting to be around people afraid you will screw things up (again for me its feeling like I am making a complete ass out of my self.) Take it with more of a grain of salt as most of it is just self doubt.

I am not sure any of this helps but you can feel free to PM me anytime and talk.

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