I'm so confused!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Heather~, Oct 8, 2010.

  1. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    I want to tell people what's wrong with me when they ask! I really do but I'm afraid of being belittled all the time. I always keep it in until I let it out into incoherent and broken sentences barely making any sense at all!
    I came here for help and I can't even get out what's wrong! Part of it is I don't even understand why it bothers me so much that I would want to take my life.

    I'm so afraid I wont have a future. I went to trade school to get a career where I can help others. I graduated now I can't even get a job! How can I help anyone if I can't help myself? When I hate myself for who I am. I can't trust anyone even doctors or people in my profession and people just make me sick! I make myself sick because I'm not any better than they are!

    And I'm so scared that I won't be able to have a family. And the worst part is I think I did it to myself. I think that I've ruined my from being such an idiot. I should have listened.

    Now I feel so alone because my friends have deserted me and family relentlessly dragged me through the dirt. They make me out to be the one ruining the family, and now I'm not sure anymore. I must have done something to deserve this right?

    I'm sure everything is my fault but I'm so angry that I feel like this.
    I can't eat and I can't sleep. My hair is falling out more than usual, I just can't stand myself anymore. I hate being around people but I get so depressed without them.

    What did I do to deserve this?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You don't deserve it but mental illness hits everyone and it does suck You should get talking to your doctor though maybe get different medication
    I hope with new meds maybe you will start feeling stronger okay new therapy even don't be so hard on you okay try to do something kind for you today.
  3. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    violet's right, you don't deserve it.

    I don't think anyone here would belittle you. If you want, you could just type out what you want to post in a program like notepad, and save it as a text document. When you're ready, you can copy and paste it. Even if you never post it, it might help just to have typed it out. It's something I sometimes do.

    Sometimes it takes a while to get your career going, even in a good economy. All you can do is work at it and wait and hope for things to start happening.

    Why is it you're afraid you can't have a family?
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Heather. You didn't do anything to deserve this. Depression is rough and leaves you feeling awful. Don't get discouraged about not finding a job just yet. It took me a couple of years of substitute teaching before I was able to find some long term teaching assignments. The economy is rough right now and you have to make do. Don't give up hope. :hug:
  5. ~Heather~

    ~Heather~ Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply guys :)

    ~violet~ - I actually don't take any meds, Ive never talked to a doctor about it. I'll try to soon though. Thanks. :)

    bluebird - because my current family is terrible I want to cut ties with them and start my own. I'm worried I can't because I think birth control has made me infertile as well as when I had a short battle with anorexia. I'm afraid I wont be able to get pregnant. And thank you for the advice.

    Dave - Thank you, I needed that :hug: