I feel so useless as a human being anymore. I get into toxic though patterns that end with me either crying, or falling asleep so I dont have to think about it anymore. It feels like Im broken, and everything is just so wrong. I love school. Ever since I was a kid, Ive always been a straight A student. However, I cannot afford to get into college, and Ive already wasted 2 years away from it. I feel like I will never accomplish any of my goals. I really wanted to be a doctor, but I dont see this happening at all. Ive been working full time for a year, and still havent even saved up enough for 1 semester of college. Its a futile effort to continue, so Ive just stopped going to work. My family is broken. My sister has chosen a life of drugs, partying, and is now 7 months pregnant with a drug dealers child, who is currently in jail. She has gone and ruined my family. Her latest antic was stealing 3000$ from my grandma, causing huge problems between my dads siblings and my parents, and huge amounts of chaos. She shows no remorse for anything. Instead shes actually the happiest of any of us. I have almost no friends. In reality I talk to about 2 people, both of which not too frequently. However there are times where I go days without talking to anybody. It completely messes with my mind, and I feel like Im being tortured by my own mind. I was in love with a girl, but my depression caused me to lose her. I made so many mistakes, and Im so sorry for what Ive done. She doesnt believe me though. She calls me selfish, and a liar, and tells me how I never cared about her. Meanwhile, shes all I really care about at this point. Ive tried everything to just be in her life, but I feel like everything I do is wrong. If I just say hey to start a friendly conversation, she will rarely respond, and later accuse me of ignoring her. If I try to tell her my feelings she gets angry and wont believe anything I say. I dont think she will ever love me again, and that hurts a lot, because I would do anything for her. I feel so out of control of everything, and I feel so much pain on a daily basis. I dont know what to do anymore.