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Im so confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by coupet, Nov 6, 2010.

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  1. coupet

    coupet New Member

    I feel so useless as a human being anymore. I get into toxic though patterns that end with me either crying, or falling asleep so I dont have to think about it anymore. It feels like Im broken, and everything is just so wrong.

    I love school. Ever since I was a kid, Ive always been a straight A student. However, I cannot afford to get into college, and Ive already wasted 2 years away from it. I feel like I will never accomplish any of my goals. I really wanted to be a doctor, but I dont see this happening at all. Ive been working full time for a year, and still havent even saved up enough for 1 semester of college. Its a futile effort to continue, so Ive just stopped going to work.

    My family is broken. My sister has chosen a life of drugs, partying, and is now 7 months pregnant with a drug dealers child, who is currently in jail. She has gone and ruined my family. Her latest antic was stealing 3000$ from my grandma, causing huge problems between my dads siblings and my parents, and huge amounts of chaos. She shows no remorse for anything. Instead shes actually the happiest of any of us.

    I have almost no friends. In reality I talk to about 2 people, both of which not too frequently. However there are times where I go days without talking to anybody. It completely messes with my mind, and I feel like Im being tortured by my own mind.

    I was in love with a girl, but my depression caused me to lose her. I made so many mistakes, and Im so sorry for what Ive done. She doesnt believe me though. She calls me selfish, and a liar, and tells me how I never cared about her. Meanwhile, shes all I really care about at this point. Ive tried everything to just be in her life, but I feel like everything I do is wrong. If I just say hey to start a friendly conversation, she will rarely respond, and later accuse me of ignoring her. If I try to tell her my feelings she gets angry and wont believe anything I say. I dont think she will ever love me again, and that hurts a lot, because I would do anything for her.

    I feel so out of control of everything, and I feel so much pain on a daily basis. I dont know what to do anymore.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Coupet and welcome...many of us know the feeling of seeming broken, like we cannot work in our own best interest..are you getting help? Sometimes, talking about how you feel, to someone who understands does help...please continue to tell us what is going on for you and welcome again, J
  3. coupet

    coupet New Member

    Ive been to several psychologists, but no one really understands. Its funny because my major at university was psychology, and I really enjoy helping other people. But no one can really understand. I dont know what Im supposed to do.

    Pills just dont do anything either.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it was my experience that i had to try a few therapists until i found one that i clicked with and that was truly helpful to me. same with medication, i had to try more than a few before i started to feel well again. don't give up. you are worth fighting for. welcome.
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're not broken, you're ill. It's going to be a long hard fight to get better but you can do it. You just have to give yourself time to do it and accept the limitations on the way. CBT will help with the toxic thought patterns (you can do the course online) and it's really good that you recognise that they are toxic thought patterns. Many people don't get that far.

    This is just so sad. Are you in the USA? I don't understand the education system in the USA. Here in the UK, you'd be able to get a student loan to pay for college. Is there anything like that where you are?
    If you can't be a doctor, what's plan B? Can you go into nursing? In the UK it's possible to train as a nurse and then do a 'conversion' degree to become a doctor. It's a cheaper way to get there since you earn a living whilst nursing. Do they have that where you are?
    I don't think you've stopped going to work because it's a futile effort to get into college. I think you've stopped because you're ill.

    I doubt that there's anything you can do to help your sister, she has her own path in life and must take the consequences of her choices just like the rest of us. You need to distance yourself from her. You're not responsible for her. I can understand the effect that it's had on your wider family but it shouldn't affect the relationship that you have with them.

    Isolating yourself is another sign of how ill you are. If you don't have a friend to talk to, then phone a crisis line, or come on this forum. Sometimes it's a lot easier to talk to people you don't know and aren't likely to ever meet.

    I'm sorry but I think this girl is messing with your head and you need to avoid her.

    There's no easy answer. You just have to ride it out. Recognise that you're suffering from an illness. Try to get help and counselling from your doctor, try the CBT thing online.
    Sending lots of hugs, hang in there. You sound like a really nice sensitive person and the world needs people like you. x
  6. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    hi. i see youre under a lot of stress and the 'toxic thought patterns' certainly don't help. youre a straight A student. that is amazing! you have no idea how many people wish they had mind like yours. what country to u live in? can you not take out loans or with your grades even grants and scholarships? Please don't lose sight of your dreams.

    iIm really sorry to hear your family is going through such tough times. Unfortunately there's not much we can do about others' behavior. We can only control how we react to it and hope they change. I hope your sisters wakes up and sees the hurt she is causing to your fam.

  7. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Hi Coupet, your message came across as so honest and straight from the heart. I don't know why things are going so badly for you but believe me when i say eventually the universe will do it's thing and things will slowly swing around in your favor again. You are a good man and you deserve better! :)
  8. coupet

    coupet New Member

    There is no real option for me to go to school without accumulating a large amount of debt in the process. Ive heard all too many horror stories of students who take student loans from companies which are little more than loan sharks. There are too many people who will honestly spend decades paying off student loans after they graduate, and its not something I want to do. I remember one girl had a debt of 200,000$ and got a job making $7/hour. Its terrible, and even the government doesnt really care.

    In my family I get the short end of the stick on everything. When my sister does something terrible, first I have my mum crying to me about her, and then shell get moody and angry and can have a very short fuse at me, like if I forget to do something. I know she doesnt mean it, but sometimes she can be really mean to me. In my childhood, they would punish me a bunch by taking things like the internet box away, and then let my sister do whatever she wanted. It was such a double standard.

    I called a crisis line a few weeks back. I ended up apologizing to the operator, because I couldnt find any comfort in what she was saying. I told her it was nice to meet her and thank you for trying, and then hung up. Its difficult to convey everything I feel at times.

    I love that girl more than anything. If we have a 5 minute conversation about nothing, Im happy for days. However that rarely happens, and I dont know what Im supposed to do, or what Im supposed to be that will make her understand Im really sorry.
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I hear you on that one. I should imagine students all around the world do too. I went to University as a 'mature student' - I was 26 and I had three children under 10. In fact the youngest one was 3 months old when I started my degree. She's now 19 years old and I'm still paying off the student loan. On top of that, the job that I'm in, doesn't require me to have a degree.
    For all of that, I'm glad that I went and I don't care about the loan. University gave me some self esteem and some self respect. I spent 6 years in total (B.Sc and M.A.) studying, bringing up three children, looking after a seriously ill husband, an elderly mother, an elderly mother in law and working 30 hours a week in a local supermarket. It was hard but I learnt that I wasn't the weak and ineffectual person that I thought I was. You can't put a price on that.
    What I'm trying to say is that you will get a lot more out of it than a degree and whilst it's terrible that we have to get into such debt, it's not the end of the world either.
    If you seriously don't want to go down that route though, you need to have the Plan B. Whatever you choose to do will give you self esteem and self respect and both of those things will help you fight this illness.

    You're not the youngest are you? I always felt that I got the short end of the stick because I was the youngest (of six). My eldest sister felt she got it because she was the eldest. My middle sister thought she got it because she was the middle one. My brothers don't talk about it but they all left home at 16 so they could get away so presumably they didn't have a good time either.
    Family relationships can be soul destroying and seriously screw you up. The good news is that you get to grow up and leave. You don't have to be in them forever.
    Your mother sounds like she has mental health issues of her own. Try to remember that you are not her carer..
    Letting your sister do whatever she wanted hasn't really worked out okay, has it? It may have been a double standard but you got the best side of the deal on that one. Would you really like to be in your sisters shoes?

    I think it's almost impossible to convey everything to someone the first time you talk to them. You need to build up a relationship. Try to call a crisis line where you can speak to the same counsellor. Eventually you'll be able to talk. Or alternatively come on here. You can PM me if it will help.

    You're never going to make her understand. Not unless she trains as a psychologist or something. Or has her own mental health issues. I understand that you love her but if you truly love someone, you'll let them go. If they love you, they'll come back. I know that this is hard but the last thing you need right now is a relationship. You need to concentrate on getting better and it's going to take all of your energy to do that.
    If things are meant to be, then they will happen. Try to stay strong. You're already doing so well. You've recognised the toxic thought patterns, you've recognised the family issues, you've recognised issues surrounding relationships with other people. Plus you're talking, it might be on a forum and not in person but you're doing it. These are all good things.
    Sending lots and lots of hugs. x
  10. coupet

    coupet New Member

    Ive had several jobs, but all of them are so unsatisfying. I dont think I could get a job that would make me truly happy without a college degree. Every job just leaves me with this huge sense of emptyness. Not to mention the social aspect of college (I dont mean I want to go party and get drunk everyday). I met some amazing people at uni the semester I was there, and I really wish they were still part of my life.

    I am the youngest in my family. I meant my parents let her do whatever when she is home. They had no control of what she does when she goes out because she used to sneak out all the time to do drugs as a kid. Shes now pregnant with a drug dealers child, whose currently in jail, and it kills me that Im now uncle to a child who shouldnt even be alive, because it shouldnt have the pain of having my sister as a mother. My sister is using the baby just to get welfare anyway...

    I have so much trouble letting go of my ex girlfriend. It was my fault that she left, and I dont blame her for leaving me. I was in a terrible state, and didnt deserve her at all. Still I want to change for her, but shes always pushing me away, and she says things that cut straight to my soul, like how I never cared about her. In reality I used to spend hours upon hours everyday talking to her, and even lost a job because Id stay up so late with her that I couldnt wake up (like 5am). It makes me feel so helpless.
  11. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Well, there is a reason that they call them 'deadend' jobs. I've done more than my share of them. Particular nightmares include telesales (lasted two days) and packing cakes in a factory (managed three days on that one)
    They are unsatisfying. Sometimes you can get something out of them. I used to like bar work and waitressing because I enjoyed the contact with the public but the wages were dreadful.
    I've now got a job which a lot of people would love to have. It can be satisfying but it can be incredibly frustrating too. At times it makes me ill. No job is perfect, or at least I've never found one.
    Work isn't just about the actual work though, it's also about the people you meet and the experiences you have. Those aspects are just as important as the actual work.

    All the more reason why you should seriously consider getting the loans and going back. What's the cheapest way to go to Uni there? In the UK we have something called The Open University. It's a correspondence course aimed at people who can't attend Uni full time because of family commitments or what ever reason it won't suit them. They do summer schools where you get to meet the other students. Is there anything like that there? It's a much cheaper option.

    That's so sad but again, you got the best part of the deal on that one. I feel for the child but there's one good thing. The baby has a really caring and sensitive uncle (You!) so there is some hope. There's nothing to stop you from being a big influence in the child's life and if thats the only thing you ever achieve in your life, then your life is worth living.

    You're not hopeless, you are an intelligent caring and sensitive person. I know that it's hard to let go but you're going to have to do it. You need to cut contact with this girl because she isn't doing you any favours. Yes it will hurt, but in the long run it's the only option. At the moment you're spending too much energy on a situation you can't change. You need to focus that energy on yourself instead.
    You can do this and you can make your life better. You just need to get the illness under control first. x
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