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I'm so damn alone

VioletDawn

SF Supporter
#1
I'm so alone, and so freaking angry at those who don't get it. Those who tell me to just go out, those who tell me that I won't get it that bad because I'm "healthy".

I'm not healthy. I've been sick for 3 months with what I'm told is gastritis, but I don't know that I even believe that. On and off fevers for months, a cough that's only just starting to get better after 3 months, fingers that get stuck bent and are incredibly painful to straighten as if I've gotten arthritis all of a sudden. Then there was the mystery rash and full scalp breakout of terrible dandruff, and the sudden appearance of exercise asthma. Not that I can exercise anywhere near what I could before I got sick. At first I could barely walk up the stairs. It's taken months to be able to do extremely light exercise for maybe 5-10 minutes if I'm lucky.

I got advised to get a covid test the other week when the fever came back, and I wasn't surprised when it came back negative. It would have been far more useful back in March when I most likely had it!

And now I'm still left feeling like my body is messed up. And the pills I'm told to take for my stomach are making me feel completely unhinged yet I've been on the phone to the doctor too many times in the past 3 months, not to mention 2 trips to a&e by ambulance. I'm pretty sure they think it's all in my damn head by now.

I'm left with the dilemma, keep taking the pills even though they're making me crazy suicidal and paranoid and a million other feelings as it's only for another 4 days and hope it's ok, or stop and don't tell the doctor even though the pain in my side isn't any better whatsoever. I feel so damn stupid when they don't even listen when I try to tell them that I think I had covid and this is the after effects.

I'm so alone and so scared. And I'm so angry at the people who just don't get how hard it is to be this alone. There's a reason solitary confinement is a punishment. I'm going mad with isolation yet the thought of being around other people horrifies me now. The walls are closing in and I want it all just to end. I'm tired of feeling like a damn joke. The idiot who's too scared to go out when everyone else can do things like go to the supermarket, or go out for walks.

My life is over because even if things are slowly starting to open up again, I'm too scared to even contemplate going out there. And the fact is, there's nothing out there for me anymore. I don't want to be this joke anymore. I don't want to be in this messed up world anymore. I was only just managing to live in the world again after being a recluse for 15 years and now it's all for nothing.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
*hug I'm sorry Violet. I can relate to some of what you said, I don't think you're an idiot for being scared. I'm scared. I'm sorry to hear your health has been so bad in addition.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
I wish I had something hopeful to say about all this, but I don't feel it either. I guess I'll say, the only way through is forward, so we might as well hold on and see that through. *hug
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#5
I'm going mad with isolation yet the thought of being around other people horrifies me now. The walls are closing in and I want it all just to end. I'm tired of feeling like a damn joke. The idiot who's too scared to go out when everyone else can do things like go to the supermarket, or go out for walks
This is exactly how I feel too. So goddamned alone, and yet, the thought of having to go out into the world absolutely sickens me. I don't want anything to do with it anymore. I don't have the energy, patience, or motivation. So I just sit here and fucking rot. It's a vicious cycle. The less you go out, the less you actually want to go out, but you still feel alone as hell.
 

Sleeper71

Well-Known Member
#6
This is exactly how I feel too. So goddamned alone, and yet, the thought of having to go out into the world absolutely sickens me. I don't want anything to do with it anymore. I don't have the energy, patience, or motivation. So I just sit here and fucking rot. It's a vicious cycle. The less you go out, the less you actually want to go out, but you still feel alone as hell.
I feel the same way. Never used to be this way, now I absolutely hate leaving the house.
 

VioletDawn

SF Supporter
#7
I'm so sorry that so many of us have similar feelings about going back into the world, yet it gives me a small bit of comfort that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Just because it's not the majority, doesn't mean this feeling isn't a completely normal human reaction to a very difficult situation. Thank you all for reminding me of that fact.

My adoptive family act like it's no big deal. We have a weekly "family chat" over WhatsApp where basically my sister puts my toddler niece on camera so nobody can have an actual adult conversation. It sucks and I hate it but for the first time in my life I'm actually being included in family activities. Until today that is.

I got myself looking smart even though it's the last thing I felt like doing, and find a message from my mum saying we should now make it once a month, starting August 2nd! Like wait.. what happened to July?? I was waiting for my weekly chance to see another human being, and this is what they pull. They can all get stuffed. I'm so hurt and angry. They're all starting to get back to "normal" and I'm dropped like a stone.

My whole life I was told I'm not included in anything or invited to anything because I don't engage or make an effort. Well I've been engaging and making an effort and they still don't care. So very, very hurt.

I might as well start talking to myself in the mirror, though I don't think my reflection likes me either! Right now I feel like the troll that lives under the bridge that nobody wants to come near!
 
#9
It's a really bad day again. I figured I'd add to this thread instead of starting a new one. The fatigue is so incredibly bad after bit of exercise this morning. I'm exhausted and so emotionally spent. I hoped my energy would have evened out by now but nope.

I'm going to try yet another gp phone appointment in the morning though I know I'll probably be fobbed off again. When I had a cough for months, it was post viral cough, the fatigue was post viral, the gastritis is blamed on my bulimia even though I've never had gastritis in my life and now 3 times in 3 months. And yet not once has anyone even looked at the possibility that I've had covid even though I'm told I have all these post viral issues.

I've had it up to the eyeballs with having to "manage" all this alone. And by manage, I mean be in varying levels of pain every single day and take the ppi medication that is making my mood so awful and not bother the docs that helping all the people with REAL problems.

I just want to cry for a week, and I would if it helped, but nothing is helping and the docs don't care. I was referred back to the mental health centre weeks ago and told they would discuss my case at the weekly patient review but of course I've heard nothing since. I'm just so fed up of everything. I want to sleep but I have to stay up because I couldn't get a food delivery until between 9-10pm!

Rant, rant, rant.. *rant
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#10
:( I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy. Do you need a doctor's order to get a COVID test? I'm not sure why they wouldn't want to rule that out first thing.
 
#11
I got a covid test in June, which came back negative, but it's not surprising as I first got sick in March. There's been more coverage in the news in the UK about people suffering loads of lingering effects post virus. I'm going to mention it if I can get a doctor's appointment tomorrow. If they'd tested me when I was in a&e in April, it might have been a different story though.

It's sad to know that there's so many people left with so many similar issues and very little help or advice from doctors on how to cope with all this. On the one hand it's such a relief to finally know that there's others in the same boat, but at the same time it's so horribly depressing.
 

Imy

Well-Known Member
#12
This sounds horrible, I'm sorry ....

It's a lot of change in a short period of time and having familiarity taken away can feel horrible.

One thing I would try to bare in mind is that we don't know how things will evolve in the future, how your support network may change and how you may end up in an even happier position... But I know that can be hard to believe right at this moment.

Over time, you will adapt to the changes that are happening. You're not alone. Many others are riding this journey with you
 

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