I'm so alone, and so freaking angry at those who don't get it. Those who tell me to just go out, those who tell me that I won't get it that bad because I'm "healthy".
I'm not healthy. I've been sick for 3 months with what I'm told is gastritis, but I don't know that I even believe that. On and off fevers for months, a cough that's only just starting to get better after 3 months, fingers that get stuck bent and are incredibly painful to straighten as if I've gotten arthritis all of a sudden. Then there was the mystery rash and full scalp breakout of terrible dandruff, and the sudden appearance of exercise asthma. Not that I can exercise anywhere near what I could before I got sick. At first I could barely walk up the stairs. It's taken months to be able to do extremely light exercise for maybe 5-10 minutes if I'm lucky.
I got advised to get a covid test the other week when the fever came back, and I wasn't surprised when it came back negative. It would have been far more useful back in March when I most likely had it!
And now I'm still left feeling like my body is messed up. And the pills I'm told to take for my stomach are making me feel completely unhinged yet I've been on the phone to the doctor too many times in the past 3 months, not to mention 2 trips to a&e by ambulance. I'm pretty sure they think it's all in my damn head by now.
I'm left with the dilemma, keep taking the pills even though they're making me crazy suicidal and paranoid and a million other feelings as it's only for another 4 days and hope it's ok, or stop and don't tell the doctor even though the pain in my side isn't any better whatsoever. I feel so damn stupid when they don't even listen when I try to tell them that I think I had covid and this is the after effects.
I'm so alone and so scared. And I'm so angry at the people who just don't get how hard it is to be this alone. There's a reason solitary confinement is a punishment. I'm going mad with isolation yet the thought of being around other people horrifies me now. The walls are closing in and I want it all just to end. I'm tired of feeling like a damn joke. The idiot who's too scared to go out when everyone else can do things like go to the supermarket, or go out for walks.
My life is over because even if things are slowly starting to open up again, I'm too scared to even contemplate going out there. And the fact is, there's nothing out there for me anymore. I don't want to be this joke anymore. I don't want to be in this messed up world anymore. I was only just managing to live in the world again after being a recluse for 15 years and now it's all for nothing.
I'm not healthy. I've been sick for 3 months with what I'm told is gastritis, but I don't know that I even believe that. On and off fevers for months, a cough that's only just starting to get better after 3 months, fingers that get stuck bent and are incredibly painful to straighten as if I've gotten arthritis all of a sudden. Then there was the mystery rash and full scalp breakout of terrible dandruff, and the sudden appearance of exercise asthma. Not that I can exercise anywhere near what I could before I got sick. At first I could barely walk up the stairs. It's taken months to be able to do extremely light exercise for maybe 5-10 minutes if I'm lucky.
I got advised to get a covid test the other week when the fever came back, and I wasn't surprised when it came back negative. It would have been far more useful back in March when I most likely had it!
And now I'm still left feeling like my body is messed up. And the pills I'm told to take for my stomach are making me feel completely unhinged yet I've been on the phone to the doctor too many times in the past 3 months, not to mention 2 trips to a&e by ambulance. I'm pretty sure they think it's all in my damn head by now.
I'm left with the dilemma, keep taking the pills even though they're making me crazy suicidal and paranoid and a million other feelings as it's only for another 4 days and hope it's ok, or stop and don't tell the doctor even though the pain in my side isn't any better whatsoever. I feel so damn stupid when they don't even listen when I try to tell them that I think I had covid and this is the after effects.
I'm so alone and so scared. And I'm so angry at the people who just don't get how hard it is to be this alone. There's a reason solitary confinement is a punishment. I'm going mad with isolation yet the thought of being around other people horrifies me now. The walls are closing in and I want it all just to end. I'm tired of feeling like a damn joke. The idiot who's too scared to go out when everyone else can do things like go to the supermarket, or go out for walks.
My life is over because even if things are slowly starting to open up again, I'm too scared to even contemplate going out there. And the fact is, there's nothing out there for me anymore. I don't want to be this joke anymore. I don't want to be in this messed up world anymore. I was only just managing to live in the world again after being a recluse for 15 years and now it's all for nothing.