i'm so depressed, and i feel like such a coward

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I left with my ex girlfriend recently, she was raped over 10 years ago. I'm a male in my early 20's. My ex was raped by a stranger, it was very violent and a knife was involved. I always knew it wasn't her fault, and tried to comfort her as best as I could, i'd hold her, tell her that i'm here for her and that it wasn't her fault. When we would get into verbal fights, I feel she would use her attack to try to hurt me, and nothing hurt me more than her telling me she had a knife to her throat out of the blue, or saying "you wouldn't say that about my rape", it made me feel so worthless and small I just hate the world so much now, I feel like the only way I could ease my pain would be to kill her attacker, but I know that will never happen because she doesen't know who it is, maybe it's better she doesen't know so I don't murder him and ruin my life by going to jail. I just couldn't take it anymore, every word she used against me was like a million daggers in my heart. I'm too sensitive to violence towards women, my mother was physically abused by my father and I witnessed it at a very young age, and my best friend in highschool was raped by her stepfather numerous times. I don't know what to do, the only person I have ever loved is gone away now, I moved to a different city and we're very far apart. It's not like I can't find women, I just don't want anyone else. I left my ex the day after the anniversary of her attack, I feel like such a coward, that i'm worthless, that i'm not a real man, that the one person she confided in about everything left her when she needed me most. I just don't know what to do, I feel that me leaving her at that time just scarred her even more. There were other things involved, but I just couldn't take it when she would say those things, I know you all must think i'm scum, especially the women that visit this forum, i've been having thoughts of suicide lately, because I don't know how I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life, I just really hope it passes, what should I do?


Staff Alumni
hi there

first off i do not think you are scum... the thing you need to remember is that you can not heal her.. fix her or pull her out of the trauma of her rape.. she needs to see a rape therapist and stay with it for as long as it takes..which may be years cus she has held it in so long..

if you want to be helpful to her ... suggest it to her and just let her know she can call u if she is in need of a friend..

do not allow her attacker to take and destroy another life.. meaning yours..

if you feel really bad.. go volunteer at a rape crisis hot line... on shelter.. turn your helplessness into action...

it may show her the way...

hugs and support
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Thank you for the kind words, it truly lifted my spirits. She told me she did go to therapy years ago before we met, maybe like 4 years ago if I recall, but she stopped for reasons I don't know. She told me it helped her a lot, and that she wouldn't be here today without it, but it's hard for me to imagine her being worse off than she was while we were dating, cause it was extremely bad. She was seeing a therapist while we were dating, like maybe 4 times she went, but the issue was never discussed, she stopped seeing her because she said it upset her too much, and that she wasn't ready to talk about her attack yet with the woman, and she would go back when she's ready. I feel like now that I left her she will never go back to therapy ever, which just adds even more amounts of guilt that I face. Why does this upset me so much? Why does something that happened over 10 years ago make me feel this way, when it didn't even happen to me! I feel like most guys would be like "i'm sorry to hear that, i'm here for you" but i'm almost treating it like I was personally raped. I just wish I understood my feelings...


Staff Alumni

one thing about men is that when they are faced with a problem they feel like they have to solve it.. and if they cant it makes them feel like a failure. but the thing is .. most women do not intend that u solve things .. just that u listen... and u did do that..

and you most likely feel like you added to her pain bye leaving.. when in reallity you may be helping her to recovery... you may have been a crutch for her.. some one who supported her and kept her standing... now she will have to stand on her own.. and that may be the best thing for her..

i understand about her leavin therapy. ... it is as hard as the trauma sometimes.. but unfortunetly it is the only way to healing.. left burried our problems fester and rot... like a boil... it grows filled with poison them bursts .. only to fill again...

sounds like that is what you experienced.. as for the guilt.. try to put it behind... you loved her for as long as you could..

like i said.. try a rape crisis unit.. to give support to you and to other woman who you may be able to help...

u will learn u did what u could.. and it would do her no good for the two of you to go down... sometimes love is saying i need to save me .. cause i cant save us both...
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