I left with my ex girlfriend recently, she was raped over 10 years ago. I'm a male in my early 20's. My ex was raped by a stranger, it was very violent and a knife was involved. I always knew it wasn't her fault, and tried to comfort her as best as I could, i'd hold her, tell her that i'm here for her and that it wasn't her fault. When we would get into verbal fights, I feel she would use her attack to try to hurt me, and nothing hurt me more than her telling me she had a knife to her throat out of the blue, or saying "you wouldn't say that about my rape", it made me feel so worthless and small I just hate the world so much now, I feel like the only way I could ease my pain would be to kill her attacker, but I know that will never happen because she doesen't know who it is, maybe it's better she doesen't know so I don't murder him and ruin my life by going to jail. I just couldn't take it anymore, every word she used against me was like a million daggers in my heart. I'm too sensitive to violence towards women, my mother was physically abused by my father and I witnessed it at a very young age, and my best friend in highschool was raped by her stepfather numerous times. I don't know what to do, the only person I have ever loved is gone away now, I moved to a different city and we're very far apart. It's not like I can't find women, I just don't want anyone else. I left my ex the day after the anniversary of her attack, I feel like such a coward, that i'm worthless, that i'm not a real man, that the one person she confided in about everything left her when she needed me most. I just don't know what to do, I feel that me leaving her at that time just scarred her even more. There were other things involved, but I just couldn't take it when she would say those things, I know you all must think i'm scum, especially the women that visit this forum, i've been having thoughts of suicide lately, because I don't know how I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life, I just really hope it passes, what should I do?