I'm so embarrassed these days...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cooki, May 6, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm drowning in self-pity and shame. Today at school I again made people think that I'm the most stupid human-being on earth, and my marks are getting worse. I don't know why to live even one more day, if it's just getting worse each day. My classmates used to be the only people at school to hate me, but now it feels like the whole school is against me. People are talking and laughing about me, my ex boyfriend, the only person at that goddamn sschool I can talk to, doesn't listen to me anymore, since he's always having fun with all the other kids that don't want me to exist in library. One of the girls in there was yelling at me today, because I'm not old enough to really know what the last bundeskanzler of germany was doing or who he was. Though I actually knew who he was, just not what he did and when and how long and so on. But as I am socially awkward, I couldn't say "I know who that is, I was just kidding" or so. And now I have to learn for a latin test tomorrow, but I don't really have time (or am in the mood to do so....) so I'll just read the vocabulary through once or twice and then I have to go to violin lessons and the choir. I know that I'm overrating my so-called "problems", but it's too much for me... I can't cope with any problems. It's the little things that make me feel awful. For example in maths today, some guy in my class said "keep a safety-distance from me, I don't wanna loose my soul!" and then he pointed at my hair. I'm not even a real ginger at all, I'm just a reddish blonde. I'd actually prefer normal ginger hair. It's these things that are getting on my nerves. Or this morning, my dad wouldn't let me chomb my hair or pack something to eat or drink for school. He told me to wrap the birthdaypresents for my mum (it's still two days to go....). I told him that I wouldn't make it within 20 minutes. And so I came too late for school - again.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    My dear friend Cooki-
    I remember my school life. It was HELL. I too was socially awkward. My folks moved me around a lot and eventually I gave up on making friends. They were torn from my life so what was the point? Clearly; I had a bad attitude. I was bullied for being an outsider, bullied at home by a drug addict step dad. I was born redheaded, but it turned to a strawberry dirty blond. I always had pale white skin, still do, and those dreaded freckles!!

    My advice to you my friend is this:
    This is the time when you are to learn and figure out what type of person you want to be as an adult. Those kids at school have no clue that their actions can truly harm someone else. It's a scientific fact that until your twenty your brain isn't fully developed. The part that is not developed is the part that can comprehend long term thoughts. Meaning kids can only think of the here and now. They give no thoughts to long term effects from their actions. It affects everyone. This can make it easier for you to forgive your animal like classmates. I homeschool my kids because to me public school is a human zoo, and why not when they are taught we come from monkeys! Which I do not agree with.

    I know that this is your world now and it's as real as anything. But please keep in mind that you are there to get an education to move on to be a successful adult. Do not let anyone hinder you from doing the best you can. I know your bright; a deep thinker like myself. Please do not continue to punish yourself with food. Instead of doing that; work towards perfecting yourself inside out. To your standards of course. Is there something you don't like? Positively work to make it better. Please do not worry about your hair. In fact strawberry blond is so rare, natural anyways. You are you for a reason. You offer something unique to this world that only you can. It's your laugh, your smile, your beautiful personality. I know your self-esteem is possibly at an all time low. Do something to boost it. Workout, clean, buy a new outfit. Donate to charity. Go volunteer at an old folks home. Your an amazing person. Truly. How do I know? Because you are full of so much potential. As a human being ; a young lady. Your just in a slump right now. But don't fret slumps don't last if you don't want them too.

    Once you get your confident up, and you shine your smile around. Others will notice. There are other people who feel just like you. When they see you bounce back they are going to radiate to you like a mouth to a flame. Give it time. Give it positive effort. It will pay off and these will be memories you can laugh about with your new friends someday. Remember; you cannot please everyone. So don't try. Please yourself. Love yourself. You have my thoughts and prayers. :hug:
    shine
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2014
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew at your age that I could reject the judgement of others. I wish I knew that by taking them upon myself I allowed others to mold me into something I am not. It was actually my parents job to help me become a successful adult who possessed both assurance and confidence. But I didn't have that. If you are in the same boat; know that you can get help in forming your character by other means, spiritual books, etiquette books, self-help books..
    All of these are helpful. Homeschooling has opened the door to a whole world of endless free teaching materials for molding young capable minds. Books are teachers, and if your folks aren't able to offer the teachings in character that you would like; seek it out in books. I love to read. I love to learn. Having these two passions will get you far in life. You can learn anything, and aquire any skill. Remember; you don't have to accept the labels other push on you. You have the power to form yourself by your own mind, and the teachings you absorb and claim for yourself.

    P.s. just look up free homeschool curriculum. They even have a site called flashhcard machine. Its free and has an android application. Problems in math? Khan accademy is awesome. There are plenty of sites that focus on helping young people like yourself learn. Don't worry about past grades. Don't feel motivated? Try to imagine wasting this precious time and waking up twenty years old with bills and even less time to accomplish anything. Imagine waking up still traumatized by the hurtful treatment from your peers and proving them right by never letting go and being controlled by their actions thirty years later. If you don't let it go now in forgivness you'll have a higher chance of being stuck in this rut for who knows how long. That's not living believe me. I hope only the best for you. Sorry if it sounds like I am lecturing you. I am desperately trying to keep you from ending up with the demons and pain that so many suffer from in this life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2014
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I fixed typos. :p
     
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm a fast-learner actually, I usually just have to read something once and I'll remember it for years. But about half a year ago I made one subject my favourite one, IT, so I don't really care about little mistakes in other subjects anymore. I do a lot of small mistakes in subjects like maths and latin, so I don't get the 1 (=A) I'm used to, but a 2 (=B) and sometimes even a 3 (= a bit better than C actually, we have 6 different grades here) at subjects like social studies which I'm simply not interested in.
    But I don't really care about other people anymore, I found out it's better not to care. Our school definately is a zoo, my class most of all. Noisy kids that think they're old enough to be smart. The most terrifying fact is, that they're all older than I am, and I'm still always thought of being one or two grades above. People that were just told which grade I'm in always say I behave like I was much older, which is a compliment I guess.
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I knew it! :) What an amazing capability you have. While others have to study and study you only have to read it once and remember. Wow! And being younger than anyone else. I can understand why you are intimidated. Have you considered that others can be intimidated by you as well? Not a lot of people your age or above are able to learn that easily. There are a few, but there are those that aren't able to learn as you do.
    I blame the school system again. If there is one thing that I have learned teaching my own children is that there are those who are like you; that can grasp everything with one go around. But then there are others who need more time to figure it out. Schools do not care about the individual, but the whole. Either keep up or get pushed on forever behind.

    Have you considered tutoring? It is a great way to help others, and people can get to know you on a more personal level. Just a thought. :)
     
  7. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm not allowed to tutor. People my age are not permitted to work, tutoring is only allowed for me if I do that with special order of the school, so teachers must come up to me and ask me to tutor a special student, otherwise tutoring as being my age is against laws.
     
  8. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Around here, there are three types of schools, so that the difference between the students is not that large. We have one school everyone can go to, where you actually just learn the basics. Then there's another school for the average students, with a bit more stuff than just the basics, and there's a school for "intelligent" people, but it really feels like anyone can get here, since there are so many people from my elementary school that were not that qualified at all, but they've come here and hold the rest of their class back because the teachers always have to look for the "weakest" ones, so the measure of how long it takes until we finally close a topic is the slowest person. There are also some schools that only take people after making a test and finding them talented enough to go to that school, but my parents would never let me go to an extra-ordinary school. They wouldn't even let me go to the school my little cousin is in, it's a girl's school (since my problems are mainly existant because of the boys in my class, this wouldn't have been a bad idea at all) in the only city nearby. But my parents were affraid that I could only see the good side of people for a long time. For me, everyone is a nice person, until I find proof that they aren't.
     
  9. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Tutoring was just a thought. Are you interested in any clubs or sports? Singing? I enjoy singing it lifts my spirit and releases stress.
     
  10. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm in the school's choir, the school's orchestra, the school's band, art club, chemistry club, drama club, musical groop, english-drama-club, library groop. And I'm in the city's choir. I love singing, but my brother hates when I sing, and since he's older than me I have to obey. So I'm only allowed to sing when I'm not at home.
     
  11. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I'm busy doing everything not to have to go home to my parents and my brother... But being at school is also a bit dumb, because there are only people that hate me...... I'm still not really over my ex, since I could never understand why he left me alone although he knew that it would hurt me more than anything else. Okay, I'm better off with my boyfriend, but it hurts that he's not at school anymore, so I'm lonely at a school where nobody seems to want to talk to me at all...
     
  12. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Do you really think they hate you? Or perhaps they just don't know you. Try reaching out. Can it be any worse than what treatment your getting now?
     
  13. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    It can always get worse. That's kind of the only social thing I've ever learned. The whole school knows me, many know me as "that bastard's little *****" or as the nerdy jerk from 9th. They do know me, although I don't know all of them really.
     
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