I'm so empty.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gabski, Nov 12, 2008.

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  1. gabski

    gabski Member

    I'm 18 years old. I'm miserable, and I can't remember what it's like to be happy about existence. Since I was 13 years old in 7th grade, I've had depression. My parents are both family practitioners, I've had a very lucky childhood, one older brother, seemingly good friends...it doesn't matter though, I hate everything. There's a girl who is a good friend of mine- very different but I love her to death, I want her to be happy but I hate when i can't talk to her, see her etc...She knows pretty much everything about me, she knows how unhappy I am and how I don't want to be here, but it's obviously something she can't completely grasp- as she does not suffer from this. She's become more involved with a guy now and I feel as though I'm completely losing her- I hate it, everyday I grow more withdrawn from not only reality, but myself. I look forward to nothing and would rather not feel anything anymore. I've been seeing a psychologist for nearly 2 and 1/2 years now and I take a daily dosage of antidepressants. It doesn't seem to matter though, I hate the state of "being". I'm sorry.

    -Gab
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Hi Gab, and welcome. I'm glad you found this site. You will find many of us struggle with the same thoughts. For myself, it really helps to share how I'm feeling and to get that extra support. Perhaps you have accomplished as much as you can with this therapist and need to see someone new? It is also possible that you are on the wrong anti-depressant or on too low a dose. That's something your doctor can help you work out. I was on 4 different medications until they found something that works well for me. Anyhow, as I say, welcome and keep posting!
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Gab,
    It sounds like you are mourning the loss of a good friend who you have been able to talk about anything with. Are you sure that she didn't want your relationship to go further? Maybe she stuck with you for so long that you didn't notice that things had changed between you. Don't give up on her.Give her a call and ask her if you can talk face to face with her? It is just a thought, I sence that this is part of your problem!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Gab,
    It sounds like you are mourning the loss of a good friend who you have been able to talk about anything with. Are you sure that she didn't want your relationship to go further? Maybe she stuck with you for so long that you didn't notice that things had changed between you. Don't give up on her.Give her a call and ask her if you can talk face to face with her? It is just a thought, I sence that this is part of your problem!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  5. Rock

    Rock Member

    hello gab
    I know what you feeling i suffered that too and i really support you but you really need tell everything what you got in mind to her because if you dont gonna do it now you gonna regret this just talk to her and remember this i am with you man
     
  6. gabski

    gabski Member

    hi everyone, yeah I've told her all I can tell her- I've told her how I feel about it- it doesn't seem to matter. I just don't want to be here suffering anymore...so much for a happy life. What's the point if I hate it?
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    What do you mean by(how I feel about it)? That doesn't sound to romantic to me. You have been able to talk to her about everything so why are you having such a hard time telling her how you really feel? Hell buy her some flowers and send a note with them asking to see her again. This time speek from the heart. Sit down and right out what you want to say to her. rehearse it and by all means don't take it with you. I know you are young and I remember being awkward at that age. You need some practice before you see her. If you love her then don't be afraid to tell her!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  8. gabski

    gabski Member

    Well im not "in love" with her...I just love her. She's in a relationship now and it sucks because I feel like Im going to lose her- I've told her that and she insists that it won't be that way, but I don't know what to think....she's a major reason why I'm still here I think...so its hard for me when things get weird. It blatantly sucks because I literally feel like I can't be happy on my own and want to live on my own- and if things are not right with her- then everything is terrible...I am a really independent person so feeling as though I rely on another being is so bad.
     
  9. jeff2674

    jeff2674 Member

    Seems like you are putting your own self-worth into her. You are grasping at reasons to not 'do the act'. That means you really do want to live, but you want to be happy. You want contentment, you want the ability to look forward to things.

    It's hard to get out of that 'rut', I was there myself. It got to the point that even the thought of my family was not enough to stop me. The morning I was bound to do it, I was crying.. Trying to find a reason why I should I be alive. I wrote the letters, the apologies, the reasons why. It's not that I didn't love them, it's just I didn't have hope. I didn't look forward to anything.

    What stopped me was that someone I knew, was kind enough to listen to me. As long as I had her to listen, I could manage. Perhaps you feel this way? You are afraid of losing that person? It's good that you are talking to her, be couragous and branch out, talk to others. That's what I did and it saved my life.
     
  10. gabski

    gabski Member

    She is someone that is keeping me here...her and my mother. There's been countless times when I've gone to end my life and my mother comes into my head. The thought of how she would feel if I did something sickens me and has stopped me thus far on countless occasions. Things are changing though and I'm starting to feel as though the reaction of others isn't enough to keep me from doing what I feel needs to be done...I don't have happiness to strive for so I don't feel as though I want to continue to pretend like things will get better.
    -Gab
     
  11. Twelve

    Twelve Member

    Gab,

    Ever hear the saying "the world may mean nothing to you, but to someone you may mean the world"? Your friend who found 'another'.. you will always be a cornerstone and pillar of her life. In hurtful thoughts.. we always forget the impact we've made on others, opposed to the impact (or lack of) that people made on us. I understand truly what it means to be independent.. but need someone. And that's ok. Making connections while independent is difficult.. but in a sense, you 'are' "one of a kind". It means you have something special in order to do just that.
     
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