Ever since I was 19 years old I always knew something was wrong, I knew it was brewing up inside of me. For years everything seemed fine, especially when I'm in Middle School and as I got deeper into high school I think I started feeling depression when I was 19 years old, when I first got my heartbreak. I loved him at the time and thought he was wonderful. I've been out on dates and I've had relationships and a lot of them failed. A lot of them didn't seem to love me or cheated on me, some found someone else or their friends didn't like me or I broke up with them because they asked me to change something about myself. One boyfriend asked me to dye my hair black and get tattoo's, I don't mind people who have black hair or tattoo's. It's just not my thing I guess. Right now I'm at a stage in my life I'm happy with what I look like and have confidence in my looks, but I don't walk around like I'm beauty queen or anything like that. I've even dropped wearing make-up. The one thing that exhausts me is that I'm constantly always worrying what people will think of me or thinking I'm stupid or not smart or talk about interesting things, I feel boring. Sure there's things I know and I love talking to people, I just constantly worry that I'll get made fun of or teased. I've noticed how sensitive I am, that I can't even take a joke because I've had so many people be mean to me that I've cried so much. There's times where I cried so much that I started getting stomach problems and having high anxiety and I was very angry at everyone, I hated everything pretty much. I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety and I know my self esteem is very very low. I'm also known as a highly sensitive person and I've been picking this up a lot lately. Last year and this year is so mentally draining and I'm exhausted. I cry but I don't cry a lot as much as I'm used to anymore. Right now I feel kinda numb, I know I'm here and everything but at the same time I feel very lazy, weak and I'm starting to realize how I don't care really much anymore. People keep telling me to get over it so much and it hurt me so much whenever they said that, I used to sob really hard and wipe my tears away with my hoody. I wear a lot of hoodies a lot lately because it makes me feel safe whenever I wear it. I'm also noticing that I care and love people and I hate saying because it made me sob thinking about this but I can't help people anymore. Back in the day I used to help everyone and try to comfort everyone, it's literally impossible for me to try to be there for someone. I feel so numb inside and I just hope this passes because I want to be able to smile again and laugh. I can't even laugh really that much anymore or even smile that long. I used to be able to smile all the time too and I barely even smile. I know I updated last night but I needed to update again because I have so many thoughts going through my mind. Bi-polar literally drains me...... I want to be happy again and I'm sick of this sadness.