I'm so exhausted from everything

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Aug 27, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Ever since I was 19 years old I always knew something was wrong, I knew it was brewing up inside of me. For years everything seemed fine, especially when I'm in Middle School and as I got deeper into high school I think I started feeling depression when I was 19 years old, when I first got my heartbreak. I loved him at the time and thought he was wonderful. I've been out on dates and I've had relationships and a lot of them failed. A lot of them didn't seem to love me or cheated on me, some found someone else or their friends didn't like me or I broke up with them because they asked me to change something about myself. One boyfriend asked me to dye my hair black and get tattoo's, I don't mind people who have black hair or tattoo's. It's just not my thing I guess. Right now I'm at a stage in my life I'm happy with what I look like and have confidence in my looks, but I don't walk around like I'm beauty queen or anything like that. I've even dropped wearing make-up. The one thing that exhausts me is that I'm constantly always worrying what people will think of me or thinking I'm stupid or not smart or talk about interesting things, I feel boring. Sure there's things I know and I love talking to people, I just constantly worry that I'll get made fun of or teased. I've noticed how sensitive I am, that I can't even take a joke because I've had so many people be mean to me that I've cried so much. There's times where I cried so much that I started getting stomach problems and having high anxiety and I was very angry at everyone, I hated everything pretty much. I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder, PTSD, anxiety and I know my self esteem is very very low. I'm also known as a highly sensitive person and I've been picking this up a lot lately. Last year and this year is so mentally draining and I'm exhausted. I cry but I don't cry a lot as much as I'm used to anymore. Right now I feel kinda numb, I know I'm here and everything but at the same time I feel very lazy, weak and I'm starting to realize how I don't care really much anymore. People keep telling me to get over it so much and it hurt me so much whenever they said that, I used to sob really hard and wipe my tears away with my hoody. I wear a lot of hoodies a lot lately because it makes me feel safe whenever I wear it. I'm also noticing that I care and love people and I hate saying because it made me sob thinking about this but I can't help people anymore. Back in the day I used to help everyone and try to comfort everyone, it's literally impossible for me to try to be there for someone. I feel so numb inside and I just hope this passes because I want to be able to smile again and laugh. I can't even laugh really that much anymore or even smile that long. I used to be able to smile all the time too and I barely even smile. I know I updated last night but I needed to update again because I have so many thoughts going through my mind. Bi-polar literally drains me...... I want to be happy again and I'm sick of this sadness.
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that you're beginning to feel disconnected from people-it is a very disappointing feeling to have, like you can no longer trust your own instincts. These feelings you describe can also be warning signs of trouble ahead so I wouldn't under-estimate them. If you are not already seeing someone (a professional) about your feelings of isolation and sadness, I would begin to do so. At this point you can learn some new coping skills while you are still young and prevent a major crisis from happening later. Secondly, it seems like you might be socializing with people who are not a good fit for you. I suggest that you find some different clubs or groups that you could join and begin participating in, so that you can be around people who think more like you do. They're out there somewhere-when you find them, they will remind you of what a valuable, beautiful person you are and inspire you to reconnect with life and start believing in yourself again. Good luck-LT
  3. Iggy01

    Iggy01 Member

    i agree with LT here on possibly seeing someone. also about the trying clubs or groups part. one thing that has always helped with my anxiety, depression, and PTSD has been wrestling. i wrestled for years and now i coach. summer time gets down a lot because of the lack of wrestling, but winter time i'm actually truly happy sometimes
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I can only relate to some of the things you are feeling. I did have a numb phase of my life for years but I soon tired of it and chose to force myself to be happy. Not everyone has that option or capability though. I hope you're taking meds to help you. I don't know how bad bipolar can be but everything I've read about teaches me that one needs to be on meds to manage it. Therapy, as others have said is a great option if you have the money for it. If not, you have to find self-therapeutic ways to help yourself.

    And a note on those who tell you to just get over it?.....this angers me because all of my (now ex) friends and family members were the same way. I just let them all go. I stopped contact with all of them because they all made me feel worse. It wasn't an overnight process and I did grieve because it's like they were all dead to me in one fell swoop. But hindsight tells me I made the best decision by eliminating those who dismiss, mock or just don't care about me from my life. Unfortunately I'm in that situation again with my bf, but that won't last.

    I am highly sensitive as well, I cry daily. It feels like a release from stress for me and I'm not ashamed of it. I know I will always be highly sensitive, but the positive side of that is I have a HUGE heart, I'm capable of so much love and I love so many things. How about just doing something small to begin with? Every night before bed, write in a journal. Write everything you need to get out, or type it on a private blog, but just write. Add photos, captions, write however you want in whatever language you want. But at the end, write three things that made you grateful for today. Fake it until you make it as they say. Even if you don't see a thing that you should be thankful for, they are there. The sun warming you, the chocolate you ate that comforted you, a prayer or a cute squirrel you saw, someone who was kind to you...anything that makes you feel better.

    I was so distraught the other day when I joined this forum that the only thing I could be grateful was a response to my post. And not just a response, a response that wasn't angry, mocking or dismissive. My dog just rolled onto his back for a tummy scratch, I feel grateful for that...if you just try a little bit, you can make yourself feel better, it really does work, but it takes time and patience.
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