im so fucken over it !!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TJ, Mar 30, 2012.

  1. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    for the last 18 months Ive been going thru more intense hell than normal ... my life seems to be just hell anytime but lately its been worse , they've messed around with my meds and such and NOTHING is fucken working .

    the options they have given me isn't really want i want to consider tbh , Ive heard both good and bad reports of what they are suggesting and i just cant risk it , im already scared on the outside enough let alone on the inside.

    its a daily battle that is getting more and more impossible to fight ... its like i have to live in constant depression , anxiety , and phycois . im trying to stop Self harming but that's proving to be harder than what its worth. i really just want the pain and the suffering to stop but im not getting anywhere anytime soon... Ive been seriously thinking about taking my life as i feel that's the only way to stop this hell and ill be with ones that i love and miss so much . but its to do it without anyone here (where i live ) knowing ... and getting all the required things ready.

    the transgender stuff is proving to be so difficult , some ppl accept it others don't , and then there's the ones who just sit in the middle and don't accept it and don't not accept it , Ive lost friends over it. and yeah i was expecting that but its like IM A FUCKEN HUMAN JUST LIKE U ARE .... get over it UGHHHHH .
    my Pdoc asked me if it was more multiple personality's rather than being trans and i near hit him , i mean what the fuck ?? i live in such a backwards city that's munted and nothing worth doing ...

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Sweetie...sometimes, people can just be so cruel...who cares what gender you are, you are you and that is enough for me...know I care and that I wish it were easier for you...thinking about you and please text me to let me know what is going on
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Thinking of you, Traa, and thanks for who you are here...sending some hugs your way. :hug:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry people are so dam ignorant hun dam eh please don't give up okay You know you are cared for here hun no one judges you here hugs
  5. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    thanks guys , i guess things have been happening to much for me recently and its all just gotten to much ...

    that old saying suicide happens when our resources go beyond our coping skills , is so true for me at the moment , i feel i have no coping skills left in me and i feel like no matter how hard i try i cant handle the pain that im left with.

    Ive been thinking alot lately of those few people who greeted me and took me in as there own when i first came to this forum , those that deeply cared and wanted the best for me, it seems that there's less and less of these people here now days , im not saying they have all gone but Ive just been reminiscing lately of those who i haven't heard from in a long time , i wonder whats happened to them , i wonder how they are and i hope they are well but i know deep down that at-least 2 of them have passed on from this world. and that makes me sad. makes me feel like i didn't do enough to help them i didn't give them all that i could have.

    i do try my best to be available and help people where i can but often its not good enough and i wonder what im doing wrong. this is just as much in real life as well as on the forum , in the last 18 months Ive lost over 20 people (death) 16 of them were on one day and i know there's nothing i can do about that day it happened and there was nothing i could do to change it , it was out of my control . but i wish not on my worst enemy what i saw that day and the screaming and the ppl being brought out of the building and dead people being laid on the ground cos there was no where to put them with covers over them. Recently in chat someone thought it was funny to wind me up over earthquakes , i don't actually think they knew the extent of what i had been thru but still its brought it all up for me again.
    as for the others that have passed on this last 18 months i wonder what i could have done to make it better for them , to help them hold on , its said don't stop 5 mins before the miracle happens. for me Ive held on so long that it seems impossible for me to have that miracle Ive been in the mental health system since i was 13 , didn't receive treatment till i was 17 , im now 26 - 13 years is a long time to have these continuing thoughts and feelings.

    i just want the pain to stop
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry for the many losses you've experienced. You're not doing, and have not done, anything wrong. :hug: Those who made a decision to end their own lives took that action themselves, and nothing you did/said, or didn't do/say is at the root of their choice. You did all you could (and that was probably more than so many other people would do). The people you lost in the earthquake...I have no words except that I'm sad for you and hope that your pain eases as time passes. I've never understood why such things happen so randomly and regardless of the good people that are taken from us.

    Looking back and thinking, "I should have done this or that, or been there more for them, or taken them here..." It's easy when we are sad and missing someone to blame ourselves for not being better - no matter how hard we tried or how much we did. I'm quite sure you were a very good and very caring friend/relative and that people knew just how much you really cared. How about looking back and remembering the good things you did, the times that felt good, that made sense, the shared ups and downs of life with these people? Regretting or beating yourself up for things that "might" have been done only leads to more pain. I doubt that any of the people who are gone would want that for you.

    If someone in chat winds you up again about earthquakes (or anything, for that matter), I hope you don't just "suck it up." That's a form of bullying and picking at someone that is truly unconscionable. It's not teasing or funny to make someone hurt.

    I know you've got all sorts of things on your plate right now. Ease your mind on these issues. You are good person. You take care of people as and when you can, and you do it willingly. I'm sure you did for these folks, too. I'm also sure the people you lost who knew you cared just as much about you and they would want you to be strong and proud of yourself for all that you've done for others and for yourself in the last two years.

    Please know that I care and if you need an ear, drop me a PM. :arms:
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am sorry you were harassed in chat hun No way that you should have to put up with that. Just know there are many here that care hun and you can pm us anytime okay hugs